How to live with an OCPD husband?

Why do you think he has OCPD rather than OCD? For that matter, why do you think he has either?

I understand this is unusual behaviour for him. But marriage is a huge commitment. And can cause people to re examine their life plans. If it were me, I'd hang in there. Try to stay in touch with him. But without asking him for answers. Or complaining about the process. YES it's hard! But I'd worry about pushing him away further right now.

Dear ADA, you have no idea what it means to get your message...seriously you are God sent. The thing is, he is the one who told me about the fact that he is suffering from it, I was asking about the delay of me joining him to the new country where we plan to live after getting married. Then he wrote a long message saying that ' he knows that I'm right and that I'm an amazing woman who always understands him, he said he had OCPD, I'm quite sure he write OCPD and not OCD, he said it was not a big problem until recently where he was in another country for a job. He said he had it since he was very very young, and he was attending his further education via distance and he said he was disqualified because he couldn't concentrate and that there was nothing he could do about it, to be honest, seeing his family I wouldn't blame him, they are the most unloving and self centered people I have ever met, I even wondered how such a loving and caring guy he turned out to be. Most of our life is based in Africa, and now after we got married he told me his problem. He said he didn't do it till now coz he was afraid that he might lose me and the idea freaked him out. I told him I understand and that I will be with him till the end. But I want to be by his side, the distance relation is not working for me at all. We chat a lot before...after our last spat, he told me he is living to his home town Germany, that never happened as we always makes plan together. Then he doesn't reply to my text, my call all he said was that we talk soon. And I was worried, I thought something bad happened to him health wise or that he had a problem with his job...I write everyday telling him I miss and love him...that I'm here if he needs me...but it's January 27 since we really talked and I'm getting worried by the day. He called once and I was sad and asked why he was not answering to my calls and bla bla...I guess I shouldn't have done that but then I apologized and keep on writing him loving messages...he then wrote this
I am ok. "I know that's hard on you and I am sorry for it. I just have to find myself. I know you live me and care so much and you wanna be there for me. I never doubt that. You are an amazing girl." That was the last I heard and it's two weeks back. I write and can see that my messages are delivered, I stopped calling as he doesn't pick up and I thought that might put more pressure on him. Now I can book a flight and join him see his he is but would that be a good idea? Shall I wait till he opens up? He is loving and caring and fave me everything I have ever wanted, and I want to be there and help him. It seems the more I read his OCPD is the simple one, until recently as he said coz when we were together I never noticed an obsessive behavior....he is work holos and he spends much time at his work and I told him to find a balance, he is emotionally not expressive, when we have a fight he doesn't wanna discuss it after wards, I can see he is trying but that was hard for me, luckily we fight less. The other thing I notice now that I think about it is that he is negative about things, like why everything is not working, the traffic affects him..etc...and when he is upset he doesn't answer his phone answer text all day...and two times he asked me to stop the car and he walked all the way from town to home....I just am confused, I come from a culture where people have an expressive social life and he is from a family who doesn't even care for him at all. He said the only time he enjoys life is when he is with me and with my family...he said I'm cheerful and caring...I texted him to come but he doesn't reply. Pls write me back what you think. Thank you so sou much!!!

I honestly don't know what to think. Except how hard this is on you. Do you have any mutual friends. Where it wouldn't feel intrusive to ask if they know how he's doing?

It's already been a while. In terms of him having some space. [Because I can understand him wanting to have a week or two away. To think. But since the end of January?!]

Do you think he might be willing to consider couples therapy? Perhaps having a neutral third party present. Would help him talk through some of whatever's going on? [And OCPD can involve a high degree of conformity to a perceived "authority" figure. So a trustworthy therapist can work with that.] It seems like something else is needed. Before the two of you get to that point, though. And I'm not sure what that might look like.

Thank you so much for getting back to me!!! Yes. You have no idea how hard this has been for me. I feel a mix of emotions that I can't even seem able to prioritize and deal with one at a time. May I say he never ever done this...not once since we became couples. We lived two years together, we had distance relation and everything worked out for us. Now that we tied the knot after almost 7 years, I was Soooo looking forward to settling down finally and start our life together, establish my carrier which I hold for a while. I don't have a problem with what he is suffering, we all are human and we all have flaws, I will stick by him through it all. Few weeks after he told me I was not sure what to think, how to react, specially after he said I shouldn't come right away. We chat less and one time I blow out as to why he postpone everything, the same time he was disqualified from his the further education he was attending, coupled with the work stressed...I think it just drove him to the edge. To be honest, I apologized and told him that I love him and that he can take his time. Now I'm living at my parents house, waiting for him to ask me to join him...and it's really making me uncomfortable to be honest. I have a very close relation with my family but I can't cry, or look sad as they can sense everything and ask questions. There is absolutely no one I know, or a mutual friend, whom I can contact and ask his situation. Imagine he is only a two hours flight away from where I am. I can see some progress, like for example he wrote me this message on the 13th of March, after like two weeks not writing, and me writing Romanov messages almost everyday. He replied to what I write him about me going out and netting some friends.

"Good that you are getting better and that you spend time with friends. Hope everyone is doing fine. I send asap some money for the tires."

What I can really sense here is that, he is some how opening up, clearly he is less affectionate, but I think he is not ready to show his real emotions as he might fear if he is romantic I might start asking or bombarding him with questions again. Telling me about what he was going through via a text, and considering we didn't have the chance to talk about it face to face, it's really hard to know what kinda remedies to try and suggest to him. As a couple we never had major issues, except routine fights like why he left his soaks on the floor...lol I'm sure if I see him face to face everything will be alright, I'm just worried if I book a flight and tell him I'm coming he might not be ready...I want to wait till he opens a bit more...but the waiting is excruciating. He is my best friend, and I feel for the first time in my life lost and abounded. Nothing I do makes sense to be honest. He never ever hurt me in anyway, And I just have to be there as he wants me to be, no matter how hard it's for me right now. I meditate and it helps but I fear if I ever see him again...I know it's too extreme to think like that but my emotions are all over the place. I think at this time praying to have the patience that love demands and waiting is what I should do...and not go to where he is....at least till few weeks, a month...? What do you think. It's really helping to get a rational persons opinion at this moment. I'm sorry for flooding you with my life novel...but thank you for listening. I'm from Ethiopia btw.

I came here knowing that my husband has been diagnosed with OCBD. I came looking for other women who have husbands who have this same dx. Today, I seem to be at my breaking point. I just had to sit down and know that I am not the only one who lives this way. To my pleasure I was happy to see that I am in fact not the only one. I read the posts from others and it was like reading my life written by someone else. I actually thought I might have wrote one and had forgotten about posting it, but PsychForum didn't have my email so that confirmed that it was not me. BUT WOW, who ever has the husband with the sister who is a psych dr ....its creepy our similarities! Well, I won't ramble too long, just know that there are ladies out here in the world wrestling with a OCBD hubby. I loved him from the moment we met. I still love him, but hate him at the same time. For 17 years he has had my heart, but it seems more and more he is smothering that love with a new found hate. I don't want to leave him because I have two girls depending on us. I just needed an understanding ear to hear my cries of frustration.