Our partner

How to live with an OCPD husband?

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby butterfly35 » Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:15 pm

I just came across your posting and wanted to see how you are doing? When I read your post, it was like someone had just summarized my past decade. I'm so lonely and empty and tired of not being "wanted". My husband has held intimacy from me for 4 years now. The two times I attempted in the 4 years, he stopped because I would not do what he wanted. My punishment.... I guess to never have sex again in my life.

Everything that you wrote is the same with my husband. I think he tried so hard in the beginning because he wanted me for a trophy wife. Over the years he put off and put off having children, something that was very upfront and honest was a REQUIREMENT for a marriage. I never, ever would have married him if he did not want children (he had several from previous marriages (yes plural marriages and children). I brought in a young child that did not have a father. My husband promised he would adopt him and we could have lots more children so my young child could grow up with brothers and sisters.

He was very upfront and 'honest' about what he wanted. He wanted more children and a stay at home wife and mother. We agreed I would leave my career assume this.

I was naive and believed what he promised me. After I married him I found out he can't have children because he had a vasectomy --- what???/ are you f*cking kidding me?????? He convinced me it was an easy thing to reverse and he would get it reversed no problem--not to worry.
Well the one time I had saved up for it, he put off the surgery for 3 months so he could do yard work (his MAJOR OBSESSION). If he had the surgery at the first scheduled date, he would not have been able to do his yard work for a couple months. So surgery was put off and his department closed the following month post-poning it again.

Needless to say, 4 more years of my life and fertility have passed and I am teddering in menopause. It looks like the my chance to ever have the family I spent all of my life preparing for is all but gone and my only child will grow into adulthood with no other family. If something happens to me, what's to come of him? What table will he sit around at Thanksgiving? Who will have him over for Christmas?? My child suffers from an auto-immune condition and has all but overcome severe autism. He's the sweetest person I have ever been blessed to know. How can God leave him with nothing??

I see how my marriage is crumbling with my husband and it is exactly what happened with the other wives. How could I be so naive?? How could I believe what he told me? I was a business woman, college educated.... My husband has done a wondrous job making me feel like crap for the past 4 years I probably should not beat myself up so much but..... I mean, I really should have known this was coming right?? I tried to make him happy for so many years not really realizing all that was occurring. How could have I stayed for so long? I too am like you now, worn out from trying to work and handle the stress load of 10 people in a manner that 10 people probably could not do...I too have health issue from it.....

I don't understand how someone can literally act like they do not love you or really even like you.... and ending a marriage is not a big deal to them, in fact it's the more desirable option!!!... I suppose it's easier to walk away then want to put any work into themselves. They think they are prefect and absolutely correct in all areas so why would something so flawless ever need fixing?

So now I have a life to look forward to that is about as empty as empty can be. No family of my own, just my son who struggles significantly, myself, and a husband that is a stranger, the shell of a person I thought once was so wonderful.

He exists in full blown OCPD, giving myself and son the cold shoulder every day.

Any advise on how to move on? I have no parents or family so that is not an option.

Wishing this finds happiness warming your heart and praying for strength.
butterfly35
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 5:39 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 10:31 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby Arbie Wun » Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:36 am

Ladies, I am sorry that you have had to deal with OCPD husbands in that way and I do wish that things were different for you. I am a male OCPD and have had my own relationship issues to deal with and have to admit that intimacy was a problem initially in my relationships but that was mainly due to other issues in my life that caused me pain.

I have looked back at some of my relationships and it's funny that one of them I would actually ask my partner what she would want to do and when she came up with a suggestion I would say it was ok and go along with it but there were times when I would add my own spin, changing it to something more suitable to my needs thereby removing it from her control. I will be honest and say that I didn't know I had OCPD at this stage but when I found out what it was and how it caused me to act I could see so many more things clearer.

I know that I hurt my partners emotionally and thankfully I have never been a violent person, I guess part of that was due to my past and the things that had caused other effects on my relationships. That past also impacted on my OCPD and it unintentionally added to me being distant and not being emotionally or physically available in some instances when they needed me to be.
The bright light at the end of a dark tunnel could be an oncoming train, but it could also be the way out of the darkness...
Arbie Wun
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2502
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2011 3:19 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 17, 2025 1:31 am
Blog: View Blog (9)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby ocpdvictim » Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:05 pm

I read your post on how to live with an OCPD Husband, and it saddened me. I am going through the same thing. My husband and I have been married 18 years and have 3 children. I had a red flag on this behavior early on the relationship and I paid no attention to it. My apartment, which he moved into, was CLEAN. I had come home for lunch and left the plastic "safety seal/wrapper" from a cottage cheese container on the counter. When I came home from work that night, the wrapper was hanging on the exterior door knob to our apartment. Its like he had to make sure that I knew I had forgotten to do something, as if I had left a large mess for him to clean.

I was only 22 or 23 at this time. I had no coping mechanism for this. For years I would just blow up at him, and try to convince him that I'm not a slob. Is my house absolutely perfect? Hell NO. Is it in a condition that I would be embarrassed to bring anyone in at any time? No, its not. We are in couples counseling now, but the therapist doesn't know all the details yet. I have been reading many of the posts on OCPD and I firmly believe that my husband has OCPD to some degree. It just doesn't seem like I can do ANYTHING right!

Yesterday he came home and found that I had not replaced a roll of paper towels in the bathroom. Then it turned into....Its not showing me courtesy or respect. Then it became....why did you bother cleaning the basement (where our kids play) when it makes more sense to do the laundry first? Never mind that I had just finished prepping for a nice dinner, dealt with a screaming toddler with a tantrum, have a nursing 10 month old baby, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
It seems like it has to be done his way or no way. Then he tells me that I need to ask him what to help with/what to do, if I need help. He also said that he needs me to acknowledge that I forgot/need to get something done. What gives? Like I am some kind of omniscient being that can remember everything all the time. Like I'm always going to remember to ask him to help with something I didn't get to that day? Why can't he just jump in and help if something looks like it needs to be done? And the part where he said that I need to ask him to do it so that "I" am acknowledging that "I" need to get something done..... I feel like this is nothing more than the plastic wrapper on my doorknob, just in a different way.

Affection? What is that? its a foreign concept to him, unless he wants sex, then its another story. He can be watching TV or whatever/relaxing and will not even think to come sit next to me, put his arm around me....no, his comment to that is "I'm not a mind reader.....you have to ask me." He can't just take the initiative. That brings me to his emotional status. Please understand that I don't need anyone "slobbering" on me with their emotions, but sometimes I just don't know where the man is at! His own co-workers have told me "its like he's on lithium or something, he's just blank, you don't know where you are with him." Yes, you heard it right.... I have to ASK for affection.

It is always a good thing to set a high standard for yourself, but when you expect everyone to have the same standard, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. He has nothing good to say about his own co-workers with the exception of about 3 of them, whom he holds in high regards. Otherwise everytime he comes home, its always "so and so just shouldn't be here....he/she shouldn't be doing this job..."

I am at my wits end and I feel like I am about to leave. We are in counseling now, but as I stated I know I have probably added another layer of problems in my dealing with this. I guess maybe I am looking for some coping mechanism in dealing with this.
ocpdvictim
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:34 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 9:31 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby thisislabor » Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:27 pm

... not that i am the best to offer advice because I don't think I am, but what specifically did you want to change? when you start changing a person's behavior, it seems best to me to start changing it one action at a time. ~ i don't know if a whole personality level change is possible.

... I think you need to bark at your husband more. litterally. tell him that if he wants x and x cleaned he needs to go clean it himself. like immediately when he does something stupid you need to immediately inform him that it was stupid. not wait tell it comes out in counseling.

- Labor.
When the time comes there will not be enough people to bury the dead.
thisislabor
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1965
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:35 am
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 3:31 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby Walkthroughthestorm » Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:07 am

I have an OCPD business partner so I know the kind of frustration and stress you are dealing with.
In my opinion, it's really important to your girls that they understand OCPD. Knowledge is power and this will to some degree protect them from the kind of damage that critical father's can inflict on their sensitive children. Once they understand that Dad is the way he is BECAUSE, they will more likely not take it as personally or emotionally. The damage will be minimized.

At the core of OCPD is Fear and Anxiety. The more stressed and fearful he gets the worse the stubbornness, ridgidity and perfectionist behavior. Something that will help you is to understand that to some degree, OCPD is a behavioral drug. He needs to make his environment "Safe" and to his mind, everything being "perfect" will ensure this predictability and therefore safety for him.

There are days when I just want to put masking tape over my partners mouth out of frustration. There can never be any peace, harmony in his company. He pushes all the right buttons to get a rise out of me. These people are usually very serious and actually very unhappy.

There are a few things I've tried over the years. I'll share with you.

1. Joke a lot. Make fun of, laugh, keep it light. Do NOT allow him to drag you into confrontation or arguments. These OCPD people do a LOT of projecting. They are miserable so they want you to be as miserable as they feel. They are kill joy's. These people are extremly controlling "If" you let them.
This is a constant battle uphill trying to assert yourself, your way of doing things.
I've had to get VERY creative with my OCPD. OCPD's like to live vicariously through people, that's why they are always telling other's what to do and how things should be done.

For a while, I had a problem with dishes being left in the sink. I finally put my foot down and said, "This side of the sink is yours and this side is mine". You're responsible for your clean sink and you leave my side alone.
If you can, divide the kitchen table down the middle. Everyone who wants to eat with their mouths closed today gets to sit on dads side. Those who want to eat at ease get to sit on Mom's side.

You WILL have to ASSERT your boundaries and believe me, It's NOT easy.
When things get too much for you. Walk out. Inform your husband that he is stressing you out and in order to protect your health, you will need to take a walk or a drive to calm down. Ask the girls if they want to come along and just leave. Love you honey, we'll be back when you've had time to relax and our house is more my home than your boot camp. Your issues are not OUR issues.

For eating loud, hand him a head set, turn up the music, put on a head set so you don't have to hear him bitch. Hand out ear plugs to everyone around the table. Laugh!!!!! Put on a tape recorder to record the family eating. His bitching is undoubtedly more irritating than the children's eating.

He will NOT agree to therapy. He will NOT acknowledge that there is anything wrong with him. No drug addict will. Perfection IS his drug. He will not let go (of his crutch) and let God.

Assertiveness, laughter, fun, joking, and walking out when too much is too much are the only ways that you'll be able to temper this behavior. When you're walking out, do it with love. Sorry honey, you're too much to handle, we'll be back when it's safe and you can make our home happy for us. Since we're such a problem for you, it's best we leave so you can have your home the way you like it. Quiet, perfect. If we spent time away from this house, you could have it perfectly clean all the time. I wish you luck. There are other things you can do but I don't want to go into nutrition on this site. You are welcome to email me for support.
Walkthroughthestorm
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 103
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 5:52 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 7:31 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby thisislabor » Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:29 am

... your OCPD business partner sounds like my dad.

- Labor.
When the time comes there will not be enough people to bury the dead.
thisislabor
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1965
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:35 am
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 3:31 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby Sarey P » Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:25 pm

My husband had a breakdown about 8 years ago and since then I have suspected that he suffers from OCPD. He won't go and see the Dr about it as he doesn't see it as a problem. I showed him a list of symptoms and he admits that they are 'similar' to what he experiences but as he doesn't see that it is a problem he doesn't think that he needs help.
I find the best way to deal with him is to let him do things around the house his own way and if he doesn't want me to do things then that's fine and its not my problem.
About 5 years ago, his behaviour was very bad towards me including shouting in my face (almost nose to nose). I found this extremely upsetting and was worried that he might start Physical abuse. He did not and never has physically abused me. However, I had got to the stage where I seriously couldn't live with him the way he was was considering leaving him. I told him that if he did it again I would walk out and leave him. He was absolutely devastated and said that I was his world and would do absolutely anything for me. I told him that he had to act more like that and not in such a threatening way. It was a very difficult conversation as I do and always have loved him. Since then his behaviour towards me has been a lot better and our marriage has recovered.

I found him increasingly difficult to handle and ended up going to CBT counselling (as it was making the depression that I suffer from worse. I found this extremely useful.

It is still not easy most of the time but I just let him get on with it and try and be as supportive as possible. I also find that if I have some time on my own if he goes away at the weekend to see his widowed mother about 100 miles away, it also helps. I love him dearly and wouldn't be without him but it is hard. I have two late teenage daughters 18 and 20. My 20 yr old is at uni and hasn't spent much of the holidays here because she ends up arguing with him a lot which is difficult. I hope that some of what I have shared might help someone.
Sarey P
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2012 9:59 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 3:31 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby future ex-wife? » Wed Nov 21, 2012 6:48 pm

Wow, this stream has been quite eye-opening. I married my husband only 10 months ago - both of us in our 60's, my kids grown, he never had kids. A widower.
Our relationship was great, loving, generous, we went to great events and parties. He is smarter than any person I've ever known, he was affectionate. We lived in my home for a several months. When we got married, we moved into his much bigger home.
Then it was like a switch was flipped.
Everything had to be where it had always been. I rearranged some pictures on a wall. Three months later, he looked up while we were watching TV, and didn't see a piece of art that had been in a certain place. He went ballistic, ranting, pacing, shouting, and finally smashed one of my pieces of art.
I didn't walk out then. We went to counseling, and the counselor suggested a better way to communicate, which included active listening.
My husband declared he will NOT listen to me - - I am a control freak, all our problems are because of me, he has done NOTHING wrong.
He has rules, and makes up other rules, then refuses to deviate.
He tells me that he only knows his own wants and needs, there is no need to know anyone elses.
He gets vindictive - if I do something he doesn't like, he will swiftly deliver punishment. For example, I opened a checking account for "mad money" - just put 10% of my salary into it, to have to buy things that I see without cutting into our household money. He got furious, and decided that I should keep all my salary in that account, and he'll bill me for "my" portion of the household bills. Did I mention that together we have are very comfortable financially? So what gives?
Talking is futile.
I'm ready to walk.
I don't want to leave him, but I feel like a battered spouse.
Meanwhile, he seems to compartmentalize this behaviour - when I tell him I'm upset, he honestly doesn't know why. When I tell him, he shuts down.
I am thinking of either moving out entirely back to my house, or moving out intermittently until he calms down. I appreciate the suggestions of Walkthroughthestorm, and will give those a try.
Or should I just cut my losses and get out?
Thanks for reading/advising.
future ex-wife?
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2012 6:28 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 9:31 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby dayglow » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:53 pm

i am so sorry about your gals situations. I was in a relationship with a severe ocpd guy years ago, and it was very damaging to me. how ironic after finding out that I, myself, have ocd, and ocpd, many years later. I had prayed for years for God to send me a funny, lighthearted husband because I knew how uptight I could get about things, and eventually he did send me the funniest and easy going guy i had ever met. I had to laugh about the writer whose husband hung the cottage cheese wrapper on the doorknob--i do that stuff to my husband, and he holds it up, and smiles and says, "are you trying to teach me a lesson?", and I laugh and say, "yes". if someone gets mad at me, i tend to get angry, insecure, depressed, self-rightous---all which tend to exacerbate my ruminations and it's a downward spiral. If someone does it too much, I cut myself off from them to protect myself. I thank God that my husband and I can laugh together, but it wasn't always that way. i was extremely resentful at him for making messes, not putting things back, not minding my notes around the house, etc, not being a good enough parent to our kids, relaxing when he should be busy doing something productive. once a washing machine repairman came and saw a note i had left on the washer for my hubby, and he said, "if my wife ever left a note like that for me, i would divorce her!" I was irate, and thought, what kind of a stupid wife puts up with her husband being a slob????" anyway... fear, anger at lots of people and situations, paralyzing anxiety, and depression all led me to have a break down, and seek psychiatric help, not knowing what was wrong with me--actually blaming every one and everything around me for my upsets. i started an anti-depressent for anxiety and depression, which helped with the panic of things "not being right around me--people, situations, the environment" but I could not deny that i was in miserable shape. I had always known i had adhd, diagnosed as a teenager,quit those meds at 18 yrs old. this therapist asked me to google ocpd, and later asked if it resonated with me. I said, "it describes my mom!", she said, "what about you?", and I said, "i don't see it", but like a previous poster noted, it got my mind ruminating, and the more I looked into it myself, the more i could see similarities, but it took her working with me to see it. she is so wonderful, and i like working with her because she doesn't shame me, which i hate, and is gentle with me, not wounding me any more with criticisms such as "your're so stubborn!" or "i want to strangle you!" or, "there you go with your damned black and white thinking again!" or "you're so selfish!", or "you and your all or nothing thinking!". personally those things make me defensive and angry. i do best with a gentle, supportive approach, like my therapist and husband, who can make me laugh, and keep things caring, but light-hearted. my husband will say, "think that's a little ocpd?", and we'll laugh, and move on to the next thing. i am committed to therapy for myself, once i could recognize the problem. i pray your husbands eyes are opened and they seek the treatment they need.
dayglow
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:09 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 3:31 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to live with an OCPD husband?

Postby skater » Mon Oct 14, 2013 7:27 pm

Wow! I didn't realise so much time passed. I have been away from the forum for 3 years. Things have improved a little. We went to therapy for a little bit, but after we both had a acouple session separetly with therapist he quit. He has exuses/reasons, mainly money, time and that he is normal, I am the one causing problems. If I would keep the house neat and not spend money he wouldn't have problems. And also I have temper and communication problems, according to him. I agree that if I have been mother Teresa or Ghandi I would communicate much better. But unfourtunately for me and the girls, I am not. We had parenting coach who helped us a lot with our older daughter, he is much better with the girls now. He went to therapy alone to deal with work issues and that was great. Even though he didn't directly treat OC issues it was very helpuf when he talked to someone weekly. He also is a member of a music band, which is phenomenal. But when there are weeks when they don't practice he gets into depressions/anxiety. Anxiety is constant issue, stress always triggers OC behavior, cleaning, worrying about financials usually. This week is getting a new job offer, few weeks ago it was someone at work yelling at him. There is always something. There is never peace and quiet. For a while I was on anti depressants and it made it easier for me to cope with him. He is no longer in therapy. I am considering getting back on anti depressants.
skater
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:00 am
Local time: Wed Jul 16, 2025 7:31 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests