OCPD?

I stumbled across this site quite by accident and was startled at how closely so many of the things people say about people with ocpd apply to my wife, they could be talking about her! I realize (I think) she has OCPD!

For example,

- most items in the house has its designated spot; certain items "obviously" must be put in the first drawer, others kept in the second etc; she goes ballistic if I can't find something because it should be obvious where things are; sometimes she won't even tell me where it is; says "think! it should be obvious where it is".

- there are rules for almost everything; sometimes rules have to broken; fortunately she always has an excellent excuse to break or change a rule; unfortunately no one else has a valid excuse

- if things are not done in the "proper" way, punishments are meted out according to severity of infraction, minor infractions such as an item placed in the improper drawer would merit a scolding (“didn't your idiot of a mother teach you how to do things properly”) and silent treatment for an hour, more serious infractions could get silent treatment for a week.

– any criticism against her (e.g., any attempt to point out that there may be an alternate way to do something) is considered an act of treason, if by me it's silent treatment for a week, if by a friend that person is no longer a friend; he or she is permanently out of favor

- almost all our friends have been written off over such issues; we rarely (now less than once in 2 months) go out with anyone else.

- thus she adores pets; says pets are reliable unlike people.

- privacy is a huge thing with her; we live in a condo; she often insists on whispering even though the soundproofing is good and we never hear our neighbors' infants even.

- there has to be an answer for everything, a specific answer; if she doesn't know the answer or I can't come up with a "right" answer instantly, she gets extremely nervous, even if it's something minor.

- if I get sick, say come down with flu, it really stresses her out, she blames me for getting sick, as it is an infraction it may even warrant silent treatment.

- responsibilities freak her out; one bump on the road stresses her out; but if two or three things happen simultaneously, it's just too much; she totally freaks out and "all I want is to be left alone"

- a favorite statement: "I will never compromise on anything" (she's very proud of this)

- another favorite statement: "Never tell me what to do. I know what has to be done. Just shut up and let me do it."

- always thinks the worst will happen and agonizes over and over what to do if it does; any comment that it may not happen is an infraction and requires a lecture about not understanding her or the severity of the situation followed by silent treatment.

She's a really nice good-hearted person when she's not stressed. When she is (which is getting more and more frequent), look out!

Does the above sound like OCPD?
Anything I can do?
I've had no success trying to communicate some of my concerns. Since she knows she's right, I'm the one who has the problem and has to deal with it.

Hi, it sounds like OCPD alright, or even mild OCD. How have you been trying to communicate with her on this issue? Telling such a person that there's something wrong with them is like talking Dutch to a Chinaman... ...it's just not understood. Is she depressed in life, do you think? If she is'nt exactly depterssed, then that'll make it harder still to get through to her, because if she is happy then she has no real reason to change her lifestyle.

One thing you could try is to use personal terms such as 'I' and 'me'. For example, say to her: 'I am upset when you behave like this'; 'It hurts ME when you do that'. Right?

Kevin

Thanks for your response. Actually, she is somewhat depressed. And also, due to circumstances (and I believe heightened due to her personality) stressed. Some years ago, we tried talking to a counsellor but she turned that into an indictment of how I am not falling to line; the counsellor was rather clueless and nothing much transpired. She refuses to talk to psychs any more as she feels she can deal with her depression herself and she feels there's sort of a stigma attached talking to a psych (what if people find out? what will they think?). I've tried being patient and doing some things on the line of what you're suggesting (I think) and I believe the marriage has survived 10 years partly because of that. But the constant walking on eggshells is getting to me.