Recently Divorced my husband due to OCDP

I left my husband in March and our divorce just recently went through. I always thought he had some sort of anxiety disorder, but I am just now realizing that it's probably OCDP. I still love him so much, I wish I could help him. The signs:

1. First, the cleanliness. He demanded that the house was clean at all times. If he came home from work and things weren't how he wanted (e.g. say I left my toothbrush head on the electric toothbrush or I left the curtains open), he would get upset and really quiet for an hour. Considering he was a workaholic (see #3) this means we had very little time together where he wasn't at least slightly annoyed with me. We cleaned for at least 4 hours most sundays (our only full day together due to his work schedule).

2. Second, the routines. My husbands whole life was routinized. We did the same thing every sunday unless i begged and pleaded to do something else (we always cleaned for about 4-5 hours, then went out to dinner, then came home). He always took an hour when he got home from work to do his routine....getting his clothes off, picking out clothes for tomorrow, cleaning his face, etc. Then he didn't want to touch or kiss me in case I "dirtied" his face or got my oils on him (he was obsessed with getting pimples, and a lot of his routine revolved around the prevention of this). If my husband didn't get to do his routine, he would get very upset.

3. Third, his ideas about "proper" behavior. My husband had all these ideas about how people should act in public. He was easily embarrassed, and when we first started dating he would ask me to talk softer in public. He would not go with friends anywhere unless it was a certain few (there was one couple we knew he was okay with going into public with, and even then it was extremely rare and ALWAYS on his terms (he would only go to certain restaurants, and few other places; usually they just came over to our house b/c he would never go to theres). As a result, we really never did anything or went anywhere unless it was just the two of us. Kinda sucks when you are 25 and want a social life with your new husband. Also he was VERY concerned about appearances, and always dressed impeccably with a very nice car, etc. He would only go to the wealthy parts of town or the parts he grew up in.

4. Fourth, he was a workaholic. He is a salesman...a very good one at that. He worked upwards of 60 hours a week. Basically every hour the place was open. I saw him tuesday evenings, thursday evenings, saturday evenings, and sunday. Sometimes he would go to a bar once a week, so that's one night i wouldn't see him. We had lots of money and nice things, but all I really wanted was quality time with him. He would stress out b/c if he didn't work, he didn't make money (he was always worried that something would happen and we wouldn't have money, even though he had ZERO debt outside a mortgage: no credit cards, no car payment, and made plenty of money).

5. Fifth, the lack of affection. When we first got together, of course he was affectionate. And he was always verbally affectionate...but, and excuse my disclosure, there was ZERO sponteneaity (sp) in our love life. In fact, it was so routinized that it was a turn off to me. There was no foreplay or concerns for my needs. It was all revolving around his needs, as things often did.

So, after writing this little essay, I really don't have a question or anything except that how do you help someone realize that they really need help?

I feel guilty that i didn't do enough to save our marriage; i never forced him into counseling (although he might have gone had i clued him in that there was a problem), I never really tried to force him listen to me, or fought him over it. He got angry, I backed down. Then I kept everything inside until i couldn't take it anymore and then i left. When I told him I was leaving him (which he saw coming) he said that I had to do what was right for me. Basically he understood b/c he knows how crazy he make me. When I called him a couple days later to say I'd come back if he'd get some help, he got very angry and said "so, are you leaving me, or are you staying, because I can't deal with this. I need to know." He just can't accept that he might have a problem. I brought it up a couple times during our marriage (that he might try some medication or something) but he absolutely refused to try medication again (he tried a couple in the past an he says they didn't work). I still love him even though I feel like I have come to terms that we cannot be married.

Sorry for the long post.

Hey,

Everything that happens in such a person as your ex-husband's life is either black or white - i.e. there is no middle ground. This would easily explain his reaction when you called him and suggested getting back together. I know this because everything you have written here could just as easily have been about me. It's remarkable, in fact, how close he sounds to myself. I presume I am of similar age to him too, being 25 years old now.

It's such a shame that he didn't try to get help about this because I have received help and have managed to recognise that my natural tendency in life is to, well, do the same stuff that you have described in your ex-husband and, let's face it, they are mostly negative things.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and it sounds very much like he has it too. Have you ever heard of this? If not, then I would suggest reading up about it and, perhaps, informing your ex-husband about it too. It will give you a greater understanding of why he is the way he is.

What now for your future?

Take care,
Kevin.

Your ex is very much like my boyfriend. You said it so right, when it comes to having all these nice things but not have time for each-other due to his tasks it is not worth it, who cares about nice stuff but without happiness. I am debating should i leave him or not as well becasue of all of the reasons above that you mentioned. We have been in counseling for about 4 months and it has worked but counseling will help to decrease not eliminate his tratis and we still have constant little ( turning into ongoing arguments2-3 hours ) arguments daily about "who is right" and I don't want to live my life like this.
You have done the best for you....keep going and stay strong.
Asha