24yr female need advice from anyone who's willing to listen

I apologize if this tends to be long... and I understand if no one has the time or would want to read it. I just need advice fast and I just would really appreciate someone's help or opinion.

Okay, this is my story. I dont really know where to start. Ive never really done this before or told anyone and hopefully I can express myself clearly and consciley as possible

I am 24 years old and I just graduated college in May. I am a psych. major and criminal justice major. I had planned on going to grad school my whole life and getting my doctorate in psychology. Im not sure what I want to do, but all I know is I want to help others, any way I can. Anyhow, I met my bf almost 2 years ago. He is from the New England area. He was 20 and I was 22 almost 23, so that was weird. He had just transferred from Univ. of Florida to a local philad. school (hes from maine) so from the beginning that sturck me as odd. He said he did it because the classes were too big and he wasnt learning right... (not to sound rude, but hes not like a book worm and neither am I) I mean he has a 4.0 average as do I but I still go out and have fun. Anyway, so from that, I thought it was weird. Anyway, for the 1st month, he was the nicest guy Ive ever met in MY LIFE... i CANT even explain it. We spent so much time togther. The second week I met him,we were dating already and I went to Maine to visit his mom. HIs parents are divoriced (as of one year ago--- strange too) Anyhow, I thought things went well... we came home, still really nice... Then about a 2 months later, I feel as if my whole life took a turn for the worse. I know that its my fault for not being strong too. Anyhow, all the sudden after we came home from the family trip, he came over randomly and broke up with me literally out of no where. (and there are no other girls in the situation.. thats a fact) I was confused, and very upest. However I said okay, well im sorry I cant be your friend.. dont call me agin. For the next week.. he called me almost every day and I didnt answer. I received a message from him saying "i want to follow my heart" (his whole reason was that he was following his head w the breakup and that its not a good time to be in a relationship for him since he just transferred) --in which i was understanding about. Anyhow, so we ended up getting back together, but still things werent the same. They were good but then a few months later it just became awful... to the point where it was my bday, and he didnt even hardly acknowlege it, and he would never invite me out with his friends. There was this one girl who he was friends with, i only knew from caller id... now for 6 months, he made me crazy thinking he liked her or something, bc he would never talk to her in front of me and lie about it... funny cause we ran into her once, and the girl was not attractive what so ever and had a serious bf! It was strange to me, like why wouldnt he just say "dont worry about it shes not pretty (not that looks are everything)" or just anythjing, it was like he enjoyed seeing me like that. Anyway, Ill quickly condesnse the next year, everytime id ask him to do something, he could never say yes. I could never say "hey how about tues, lets get dinner.." (if it were like the sunday before).. he would say we will see or idk...he cant ever commit to haning out, and ive never had a say in it... its always up to him bc he s the one with the busy scheudle... he will go out with his freinds, but he wont know what hes doing till like an hour before... he never would invite me, i d ask if i could sleep over when he got home, he still would say idk ill call u and let u know... (believe me, there was no other girls) So, basically, he has to have the say in everything, he has never acknowleged christmas presents, bday presents, anything... and ive gotten him stuff... My dad was REALLY SICK and when I told him on a fri night that it was bad and i needed to go to the hosp. asap... he told me to "f off. he was going out with his freinds and didnt care." When my gradmom died... he did the same, and he woudlnt come to the funeral. However, ALWAYS... HE apologizes profusouly after these things and says "he will make it up to me, and change"... never happens... I know what your thinking... Im nuts, this is my fault, i need to be strong... and get the hell away from him. Anyhow, he always has to be right, always has to look cool (hes inmature... the age thing comes in there).. not sympathetic and selfish. He is always busy, i mean i envy his ambition and motivation but its a little out of hand. I mean he was a junior in college taking 6 classes and working an almost full time acct. job. He worked a full time job this summer. He will do well. But even besides that, if hes not doing hwork, hes cleaning his house or up after his roomates, or doing like stuff in the yard (keep in mind,... hes in college... A YARD??? Its like 10 feet) or cleaning his car (like every day) or building something or painting something. He eats three things, pizza, buttered noodles, and wendys... We fight a lot. not as much recently, but about a year ago is when i just plumeted downhill... I tried to hang out... but the emotional abuse was just awful. He would tell me I was nothing, he told me everyone thought i was crazy ( we dont even have same freinds, so he was just making this up)... he would tell me the most awful things about myself, like he didnt care if i died (when we fought).. ive ruined his life... and so on... after a while of that, I sunk LOW... I lost 30 lbs... I m 5'6 and weighted like 130... I went down to 99! I had my family sick literally over worrying and my freinds. I also take adderall for my adhd, i became depended on that (i stopped now).... and for about a year i just locked myself up in my room every night and cryed and wouldnt talk to anyone or any of my roomates, i never would go home, because it was too hard to fake a smile, to fake like i was okay. I know i needed help and to get out of this but the thing was i just couldnt figure it out. Now, he likes to say he could never break up with me bc i would do something crazy (which i would really never do) but okay ill admit, maybe ive said once or twice like i would tell his roomate something bad he said about him (but serisouly, if u wanted out that bad, thats a small price!) its not like I was saying I was going to do something harmful or anything! I know it wasnt right. Anyhow, he always has to be right, always talks to his mom, etc. I am never right. if I move something in his room, he flips.. if i get up and open a closet, he flips, if something falls he flips out, if i get mud on his carpet for ex, he flips out and gets out the vacumn... Anyhow, I basically truly belive that I have ruined my life over this. I lost my chance at grad school, I have been unemployed for over a year now bc i cant get on a regular sleeping schedule... and its hard to find a job wiht my degree without going to grad school. Hes moving in may to ny for his acct job. And I just I know that i wasnt strong the last year or so, but I have been ten times better in the last 6 months, althought still not okay yet... but i have been going out, stopped the medication, and now am looking for a job.. And Actually in the last few weeks, I have tried to break up with him, and NOW HE WONT LET Me, saying he wil change.. however.. I dont get it.. he says everday how good a bf he is gonna be and how we wil do something the next day and that day comes and hes busy and it gets to be 6pm and he says he has hwork and he'll call me in a bit and i can sleep over and then when its like 10 and i call him and ask him, i usually cant anymore.. but hes sorry and we will the next night... its repetive.... and everytime i break up with him he promises. Oh and the sex life, not that that really matters to me so much, but is terrible, we hardly even kiss. when i do go over there, he sits at the computer and i just sit there and wait for him to come to bed where he just says goodnight and rolls over... THe thing is... all he wants to do for me is FAVORS, like changing my tire, fixing stuff, giving me money, brining me food, , stuff like that, but i would rather him spend that time just hanging out with me. Its very frusturating. My guy friends think im nuts and tell me that there are so many guys that want to date me but i dont know why i cant just get away from this. Anyhow, about a few months ago, I went to his house, and the min. I got there i picked up a magazine (he was at his computer)... he swiftly turned around and said "what are u doing" and "make sure u put that back right" Then he got mad bc i touched his receits (he keeps THEM ALL.... EVEN LIKE WAWA)... after that night i went home and i just knew, i knew there was something wrong.. i looked all over the internet, through books. and i found ocpd.. and i just started reading and cying, it was like i was reading a book on him... and that for the last 2 years... he had made me have so many problems (i know im at fault too for not being strong) and constlantly called me crazy, and told me i have so many problems, when in reality, i was finding out that he was the one with the problem.. (i mean i developed them bc of him) so i didnt know what to do, i knew he wouldnt listen to me. Anyhow, one night, he broke up with me and i just threw it all out there and he became silent. He let me read all the stuff i wrote down and even took like a self printed out test which he scored lik ean 83 out of 100 (100 having it severly) and actually even said that most of those things on the checklist are characteristic of his father and sound just like him and that is why they got divoriced ( before, he had never spoke of it) he said he wanted to get help and that maybe even i could help him. I was so happy, however, he went away the next week and came back, and the idea of help was gone, and it seldomly gets brought up. Now, he just says, i will eventually. Now, I could never let go bc i just felt as if he truly ruined me, i lost so many friends, so many opportunites, and i just felt as if it wasnt fair, he couldnt get away with this and i just awlays asked him for one real try, and he would agree but not try and i just didnt understand. I said, listen, you give this relaitionship a real try.... and if it doesnt work out, then it doesnt, and we will be over, but he would never do it, he would agree and never do it... but why not? it just didnt make sense. Anyhow, so i was happy to find an answer i guess to why he acted so mean and stuff, and it all made sense, however, now im at the pont as what to do now? Now, i dont know if i regret finding that out. Because I feel terrible. The thing is, i have met another guy that is so attractive and nice however I still like my bf better obviosuly, but I mean i just dont know what to do, hes moving and he keeps saying like i will be too and that he will take care of me and stuff like that, and id like to belive him (bc i want to move) but i feel like hes lying cause when we fight he will say, this is why we are done forever once im out of here and then the next day he will say oppositve. Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, i broke up with him.. and of course, hew oudlnt let me, promised to be better, and of cousre, hasent really changed, alhtough theres not much more verbal abuse anymore, but still hes always too busy, i am very understanding but i just have reached my point as if i dont know where to turn or what to do. I love him so much and I know i know its crazy and you will think Im nuts prob too but I just know if i break up with him for real... (well at least i think) he will be so upset and come back (ive read that in all the 3 books and 1001010 forum posts ive read on ocpd) and im the type that needs a bf (again i know its bad) but i know id have one and like it be too late but i couldnt see him be upset, i know thats crazy too. OKay, so thats my story and if u can belive it, it doesnt really do much justice , i could write a book. I know he has ocpd. I jut need some suggestions. I know everyone would suggest to leave, but is there anything else? And pelase please if anyone has any suggestions as to how to deal with an ocpd bf/dh, please let me know. For example the best way to respond their behaviors, or how to talk to them or any advice, besides to leave haha, i mean thats fine advice too but does anyone know if there are certain ways of talking or communicating to them that is more effective. I know that ive read that I need to develop my own lifestlye and interests free from him, which i believe i have, except for the job thing, i just get sad a lot and feel as if im nervous or something to get a job, because i know this sounds dumb, but like what if im upset one morning, see i dont function well upest... but maybe and im sure actually getting a job would be the best thing for me right now. Anyway, I know i prob sound nuts to everyone and i dont even know if u can follow this and im sure no one will read all this haha but I just need anyones advice, please. I dont have anyone to talk to about this, I keep everything inside, and its been a long time now, and this is my frist time ever doing this. I just want to be back to my old self a nd I just want things to be like how they were when we first met... also i dont want to feel as if i just wasted 2 years and messed up my life... someone, anyone please help, any suggestions possible please and please try not to be harshly mean to me haha, i know i should be stronger ;(

Ashley

hi ashley,

thanks for posting.

i did read it all, but i'm going to give it some more thought before i give what will hopefully be a helpful and thorough reply. i just wanted to let you know that someone did read the entire post, and that someone will offer you some suggestions. but, i need some time to think about it, that's all. =)

take care*

-diana

Thank you from the bottom of my heart , that means so much! Thanks again <3

hi ashley,

i think you have several ways to approach this.

1) i think it would be very beneficial for you and your boyfriend to undergo couple counselling. they should have something like that at your school, and you probably won't need to pay for the counselling, since the fees might be included in your tuition. however, seeing that your boyfriend does not attend the same school, i'm not sure if he'd have to pay or not. maybe you can find out more about this. unfortunately, therapy/counselling is a slow process, and I'm not sure that he will be able to commit to it.

2) i think he would benefit from individual therapy, but if only he will commit to it. he constantly says he will change, but he doesn't. i think it would be better to see it this way: we don't want him to change, but we want some of his behaviours to change. but, in order for his behaviours to change, he needs a reason/motivation to do this. it might take a lot of time, but it seems you're willing to help him through it. let him know that. you might also benefit from some therapy, to turn some of your negative self-destructive thoughts into more postive ones. i hope you're not offended by this suggestion; it's to help you. =)

3) talk to him openly. sit down somewhere quiet, and let it all out. tell him how you feel when he does certain things, and perhaps offer him some suggestions as to how he can respond in other more sincere ways when finding himself in conflict (with you). maybe he can do the same with you, although it appears that you have been quite understanding so far. also tell him that you do love him, that you're willing to work on the relationship; don't only point out the negatives. =)

i think if you sit down and talk to him, and he is willing to listen and respond, then it might be very helpful. but... he needs the motivation. if he doesn't want to, you can continue to encourage him. tell him that that you want to salvage the relationship, to keep it going, but that it has to change in order for both of you to be happy. both of you will have to communicate openly. tell him what you want, and ask him what he wants from the relationship. if the same things match, that's great. if not, can there be modifications and/or alterations to accommodate those wants/needs? i think that both of you need to set your priorities, and see how they match... and work on trying to connect them.

it's not that you need to be stronger: in my mind, you are strong. but... both of you have to want to be with each other, and have to want to work at building the relationship. i know it's been really hard on you, and you've been trying really hard. tell him this, and see how he responds. hopefully he will understand, or at least want to understand. work from his response, and slowly build a positive relationship again.

sorry, I feel like i didn't write anything helpful after all. i tried.

take care
i hope you won't lose hope. it can and does happen! =)

[EDIT: in the last sentence, "it" refers to a rebuilding of a positive interpersonal relationship. i'm so sorry that i didn't make it clear! gah! you must've rightly misinterpreted the last part, because i typed it incorrectly. i didn't realize it until a few moments ago... i'm so sorry if my error made you feel worse... =(]

Ashley

You say you are a psychology major?

"I HATE YOU, DONT LEAVE ME"
and "Stop Walking on Eggshells"

are titles of books...
The story of your boyfriend sounds a lot like these.

Checkout:
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (DSM-IV-TR)
and
BPDCentral.com

Pushing / Pulling
Raging / Silent treatment
Projection / Blaming everyone else

Classic.

(I hope you will get my message)