Therapy? Change?

Has anyone here with NPD actually had a long-term and meaningful relationship with a therapist? Every time I go to a therapist, I immediately put on some sort of facade. And I feel that if, somehow, I managed to not do this, it still would amount to hardly anything. Does anyone else feel that they are perpetually stuck in a mode of distorted self-reflection that never really produces anything other than intellectual stimulation/realization which is immediately countered by some sort of defense that you cannot consciously perceive?

I feel that therapy sessions are a scam and a waste of time, and while self-monitoring has produced dramatic improvements in my behavioral functioning, my inner experience. . . well, its lacking something profound. I have only a few people I actually consider real friends, and this is only because they endorse my narcissism in some way.

I am a workaholic; I do school work 8-10 hours per day. I enjoy it, but when left to think about myself, I need to engage compulsively in something -- guitar playing, video games (although I have reduced this). . . and then more work.

I have all these important things I do at school, but they mean nothing to me beyond the superficial gains they provide.

Half of me wants to shut out any hope of creating an inner experience that is not wholly shallow; the other half wants to figure out the "finer" things in life: love, relationships, giving unconditionally, intimacy, etc. Which side will win? (And it's more like 70:30.) But I trust the collective human experience on this one and concede to admit that there probably is some kind of inner satisfaction that comes from these intangible things of which I do not know.

Is this next level of change really worth it? I want any input on this.

Nons: what is love? It seems like a pain-inducing weakness to me. Is it satisfying? I used to think I loved, and then realized that, with me, it is always conditional and predicated on lies, deceptions, manipulations, and half-truths.

KIll your "false" self if you want any change.

You'll understand if you make it.

you don't need therapist
they usually lack ability to understand you at all
i have never experienced any change by meeting any therapist,
but i went through SIGNIFICANT CHANGE by doing things by myself
be your own therapist,
you are superior/smart/special/lucky enough to be most brilliant therapist for yourself
and achieve whatever change you want

!

about what is love,
i agree with you on that it is... just weakness
but think about it simply,
just find a person who is compatible with you...
i can't maintain relationships because it is threat to my narc ego
i always think i want to be solo
but well... i am in the bestrelationship i ever had in my life currently
no narc rage, disappointment etcetc but still i quite often thinking about ending the relationship abruptly for various reasons..
Mind to talk to me on skype?