Confused

I'm very new here so forgive me if I'm making a mistake. I have looked the forum over and what I see is a lot of disrespect. It's as if we are expected to repent here, rather than discuss our condition.
Might I be so bold as to remind everyone that the majority of the population has some form of mental illness. This being a web site full of members who admittedly have some form of mental illness, I would have expected a bit more of sympathetic, understanding environment.
I feel terrible that narcissists have destroyed your life, I've ruined my fair share as well. I'm here to try and work through it, or find someone who understands what this can feel like sometimes.
I'd also like to remind everyone that there are different degrees of this. For example, I have never been selfish with my children, I have never been remotely abusive to my children. As a matter of fact they walk all over me. I feel the same can be said for many of you.
In any event, I wasn't aware one could bash in such a sensitive environment. If so I wouldn't have held my tongue (stifled my fingers) when I read one particular forum the other night. They aren't allowed to do it there, why are we allowed to do it here?

People hate what they do not understand.

I have NPD and am have been abused by someone with NPD.
Thus, I have an understanding of this individual and forgave them without issue.

You poor thing.

Hello there, Karma. On the whole, the nons on this forum are fairly understanding, and whilst they may not like us much, they aren't abusive when they talk to us directly. We can give them an insight into how our minds tick, though they don't always accept it.

There will always be one or two, who will prod you for a reaction. It's a shame, because as you say, we're discovering and owning up to our true natures, and trying to come to terms with that, and deal with it. You'll get support on here, hopefully.

Maybe nons don't have a go at the aspd-ers because they think it's pointless, or even dangerous. I don't know if they have a go at the bpd-ers or the hpd-ers. It's as if, because we cause more harm, we're seen as somehow being more in control of our disorder, even when we're unaware of it.

Anyway, stick around, there are a few of us other narcissists here as well, and some very kind nons, too. Welcome to the forum!
funky.

Gelazar wrote:You poor thing.

Of course, you would be the one I was referring to. You probably knew that didn't you? Bottom line: as cocky and arrogant as I may be, I'm here because I'd like to do better. I'm sorry you've been hurt, but I didn't, nor would I hurt you.

some people will judge everyone the same ie: that person has npd therefore i must treat them how the person with npd treated me even though ive never met them and they havent done anything to me personally.

thats like saying everyone who's american is the same. or everyone who is gay is the same. yes as someone suffering from npd you have the potential to hurt that person as they once were by someone with npd. but you havent met them and you havent done anything so until such a time, let it be. thats my view.

i also think (although this could be generalising too and therefore a hyprocrytical statement of what ive just said above) that from what ive read on this forum that nons who have been hurt by parents with npd seem much more bitter and angry towards those with npd here than nons who have been hurt by partners.

perhaps the parents knock the empathy/compassion/humanity out of them. I cannot say as Im not in that situation, purely an observation based on comments ive read.

and for the record Gelazar - you told me to go college if i wanted an education. seems unfair from one who was obviously educated on this subject via the school of life...

I like to talk to people here and hear their thoughts, doesnt matter who they are and what their thoughts are.

EarlyMorning wrote:
i also think (although this could be generalising too and therefore a hyprocrytical statement of what ive just said above) that from what ive read on this forum that nons who have been hurt by parents with npd seem much more bitter and angry towards those with npd here than nons who have been hurt by partners.

perhaps the parents knock the empathy/compassion/humanity out of them. I cannot say as Im not in that situation, purely an observation based on comments ive read.

I think it is a generalisation, just as you said that being an american or gay, etc, is a generalisation. Same thing, different subject. People who are bittter and angry are simply in a stage or state of mind because of a trauma. I am not sure that these feelings mean a person is lacking in empathy/compassion and humanity.

My mother is a narc and I was the scapegoat but I think that gave me more empathy/compassion and humanity than I would have otherwise had. It also gave me strength and resourcefulness to become independent and survive other aspects of life. There was a time when I was bitter and angry but I worked through it by learning to believe in myself and shedding my guilt.

Another thing worth mentioning is that a lot of partners of narcs are also children of narcs.

EarlyMorning wrote:...
i also think (although this could be generalising too and therefore a hyprocrytical statement of what ive just said above) that from what ive read on this forum that nons who have been hurt by parents with npd seem much more bitter and angry towards those with npd here than nons who have been hurt by partners.

perhaps the parents knock the empathy/compassion/humanity out of them. I cannot say as Im not in that situation, purely an observation based on comments ive read.
...

I agree. The nons with parental and early family abuse (like me) are more bitter and tend to lash out. I've noticed that the non's with NPD partners will often want the narcissist back, where, most often, those with NPD parents or older siblings will do everything in their power to get away from them. Perhaps the reason for the higher level of bitterness tossed around (by the nons who have been hurt by parents vs by a partner) may be due to the fact that those with an NPD partner weren't children throughout the abuse. Sounds elementary, but go further: Those who find themselves (as an adult) in a relationship (with someone abusive) are old enough, and typically, capable enough of getting themselves out of the situation. A child cannot leave. They are held hostage, and that is why, often enough, they will leave the house at an early age.

This syndrome would cause a situation where being combative with the NPD person is part of them, rather than a passing situation that began when their minds were not young and mushy - like mine was. In other words, the non with constant exposure as children will see similar behaviors from the narcissists in this forum and lash out as a pattern of behavior - just as the narcissist will. It is quite a challenge and it is a long road to get to the intersection where the bitterness can be dropped off. In addition to that, I suppose there will sometimes be a bit of vindication in the mind of the non who was abused. As irrational as it sounds, that's how the damaged ego makes itself feel better, no?

We may agree that it is bad behavior, but that's what the child of a narcissist learned - bad behavior. It's a very difficult process to recognise and drop the bitterness in ourselves, and it is always easier to see it in someone else.
I also think that the word non is kind of subjective. The non (child of the NPDer): non-NPD, yes / non-narcissistic, no - not typically. No offense nons ! I'm a non-NPD, but have a history of being all about myself and overly defensive. Not always the case, but more often than not. Did I have a choice? Not until I was an adult - which circles back around to the original reason I posted. I didn't have a choice - the adult partner of an NPDer has a choice.

Psyquest wrote:Another thing worth mentioning is that a lot of partners of narcs are also children of narcs.

I can see how that could be. I dont know what my mother was (if anything) but she sure had narcissitic tendencies. From her ocd to keeping up appearances to speaking like the Queen even though she was working class to never going out without makeup to rage and violence due to me moving a cushion out of place as a child to put downs of me being a disappointment and that if I took offence to her verbal abuse i must have an "inferiority complex".

Used to get to me as a child. Not as an adult. She had a stroke in her 50's and after that calmed down a lot. And the balance of power shifted. she still has her moments but she cant be how she was in her prime.

And yes I had a relationship with someone I believe has npd, I also had one with someone I believe had AsPD so I guess you're right. And I have traits of schitzotypal pd (my cousin actually has schizophrenia) so its all there.

My mother never liked my relationships with either man. She said they were bad for me and that would be right. But her reasons I dont believe were for caring for me. She didnt like the attention I gave her being directed elsewhere. I actually told her once how like my npd ex she was. She looked stunned. She believes her self centredness is due to having to bring up a child alone and look after number one.

That makes me laugh as I bring up my child alone and my child comes first always. I make a point of forging a completely different relationship with my child than the one I had with my mother. I support her and I love her regardless. I help her when she asks but teach her right from wrong, to be honest and strong. I try to give her choice so that she doesnt think she has to do any particular thing, but guide her if I think her choices will bring her harm. So far I think its worked and is healthy.

I agree. The nons with parental and early family abuse (like me) are more bitter and tend to lash out. I've noticed that the non's with NPD partners will often want the narcissist back, where, most often, those with NPD parents or older siblings will do everything in their power to get away from them. Perhaps the reason for the higher level of bitterness tossed around (by the nons who have been hurt by parents vs by a partner) may be due to the fact that those with an NPD partner weren't children throughout the abuse. Sounds elementary, but go further: Those who find themselves (as an adult) in a relationship (with someone abusive) are old enough, and typically, capable enough of getting themselves out of the situation. A child cannot leave. They are held hostage, and that is why, often enough, they will leave the house at an early age.

I agree with this completely, that's also why I have a learned disrespect towards this type of non. They forget that it takes having such a parent to focus a bit more to create the disorder within the child; to create NPD itself.

I didn't cause the abuse they suffered, and most folks (even those here) aren't even a blimp on my emotional radar, so I simply don't see an excuse for an otherwise empathic human being to lash out at folks who've suffered the same (just developed the disorder). I could understand what they've been through on a personal as well as a personal level and I don't take away what they've been through. However, they don't have the same respect and they lose tons of credibility for this.

Also, the partner's of Narcissist's could have left anytime they wanted to. I can intellectually see why their angry but in the end they could have left at anytime. They have the least reason to complain. Its funny, that a good percentage have children involved with someone they've deemed "unsafe" yet they only talk about their feelings and their abuse.

I perfectly understand how the blame-then-rage game is necessary for healing but at some time a person has to look at her/himself.

At the same time, there are a large number of nons here that are just cool and have and/or in process of looking at themselves. This forum is still useful.