Omnipotence and Lying

jesus christ page 3 has enough info to make up a book, lol

I would like an abstract first before reading. Thank you.

P.S. I just saw crystal's post.

I think you just found out something fundamental. I sincerely hope your new self keeps this insight with the same honesty as the one that wrote it.

it didn't, lol.

Memory is so overrated these days.

well what if you have 2 or 3 selfs and sometimes both are present at the same time? I guess I am saying that this makes sense to me to sort of explain how I am able to stick so much in a 'gray' area. Nothing is wrong and nothing is good because one self decides that is bad, the other good, and then the 3rd self has to reach a compromise or a breakdown occurs (aka my depression). so I am constantly ammending things and excusing certain behavior from others and myself. that is until I question myself and am like " I have to pick one" . My whole world view is thrown into chaos and I want to escape so badly, thus explaining that big anxious depressive sort of feeling I have, rahter than the typical " I am sad, my life sucks, everything sucks" depression that is common.

Most of the time the third self works and I can believe almost everything is both ways.

example ...let us use my self esteem.

Self 1: Other people do not seem to like me. there must be something bad about me that makes them feel that way.

self 2: I am so cool! I love myself...Look how fun I am!!! Something must be wrong with other people if they do not like me.

Self 3 (compromise): I am wonderful, I just am not other people's taste and they are not mine.

so actually I only really pay attention to self 3, but actually under that there is self 1 and 2. Now use this model for everything.

Aw man Crystal made me go through an epiphany hahaha.

JPKAS, first of all I identified with your feeling of anxious depression, rather than the more usual sort, then I completely identified with your example of your 3 selves/self esteem, (I'm forever justifying myself to myself, for my own peace of mind, and batting backwards and forwards in the way that you describe), and finally, I was also impressed with crystal's post.

So yes, I thought that you explained what you meant really well, and I related to a lot of it.

Oh gosh yay! HahahaI was like my depression is just weirdooo...but maybe not; it is just indicative of a much larger issue than just depression (though that is a big issue too within itself).

Yeah I think I block things out...so I am not necessarily lying to myself I am just trying to find the most comfortable middle whichmeans meshing the two ideas I have. I just tend not to argue with myself because I do not realize anythihg wrong.

When I do realize it, though.....that is when I finally start battling myself (there are a few issues I am always battling on, but not many). This really just seems to happen out of nowhere like waking up from a daze and being put into another, much darker one.

JPKAS wrote:well what if you have 2 or 3 selfs and sometimes both are present at the same time? I guess I am saying that this makes sense to me to sort of explain how I am able to stick so much in a 'gray' area. Nothing is wrong and nothing is good because one self decides that is bad, the other good, and then the 3rd self has to reach a compromise or a breakdown occurs (aka my depression). so I am constantly ammending things and excusing certain behavior from others and myself. that is until I question myself and am like " I have to pick one" . My whole world view is thrown into chaos and I want to escape so badly, thus explaining that big anxious depressive sort of feeling I have, rahter than the typical " I am sad, my life sucks, everything sucks" depression that is common.

Most of the time the third self works and I can believe almost everything is both ways.

example ...let us use my self esteem.

Self 1: Other people do not seem to like me. there must be something bad about me that makes them feel that way.

self 2: I am so cool! I love myself...Look how fun I am!!! Something must be wrong with other people if they do not like me.

Self 3 (compromise): I am wonderful, I just am not other people's taste and they are not mine.

so actually I only really pay attention to self 3, but actually under that there is self 1 and 2. Now use this model for everything.

Aw man Crystal made me go through an epiphany hahaha.

Hi JPKAS,
Ha I see something here!
You have some sense of self worth- of a middle- you are sortof trying to build....
What I don't see is.....A PLAN

A plan is based on what you want or need

You will ALWAYS need to love you- that is like a trump card, trumps everything, which is why people are messed up from parents...the trump WANTS to be played even when we won't let it. Lots of times we let others trump cards on the table but not our own. But then you go back and think about it and say ...hey wait a min......I am worth as much as you.....so you play your trump again.

Its like you feel - I'm good

Then someone else comes along and wants something from you

here is where you have no plan- they want something from you but you don't know what you want- not sure of your plan- or if you have a plan or even what a plan is!!!
thats why you feel less worthy for a short time in between- they must be better then me cause they know what they want

But then your good self says- I'm good so you trump them

But then you get depressed- WHY???

Its got nothing to do with you not being worthy or good

You have no defined plan

What do you want? Friends?
If you want friends....then getting friends has to be a plart of your plan
Getting friends is a WANT, not a need
If you love you.....you don't NEED others....you CHOOSE them because they are a want

What the self wants is MORE love....thats how it grows

but their are certain things you need to learn to do to make friends......
people write books about such things! But here some small basics

1) be honest about who you are....expect honesty from them.....because you need to see what they want too........you are looking for someone who has the same goal you do..... My goal would be love and understanding, but not control. Equality fairness honesty
2) don't be afraid- you always have the choice to stop and get off the ride at anytime- power
3) know that to be friends with someone you will need to sometimes compromise. But in compromise you are looking for a WIN WIN. See them as Equal to you and you look to see that they see you as equal to them- combined power always in the win win SUPERPOWER if you get to this point
4) be willing to let people go - people who you don't have the same goals with
5) be willing to work through conflict- but with an eye on solution WIN WIN
6) know you don't know everything- be willing to learn from them- use them for learning not to control

And build your positive side

I was a poor friend at one time. I was funny but very controlling. I was also very critical of the actions of others. If you are critical of others....it means you LOOK for bad in them)( Not seeing them as equals), instead LOOK for good in them( you are equal)
You can't use the bad in them( its destructive 4 you both)- you CAN use the good and EVERYONE is good. Everyone is equal in worth. Bad side / good side/ EQUAl in the middle
Like seeing a glass half full or empty...if you look at people and see the negatives ...the half empty....then who wants that? Who can use that? But if you see them as half full....then you seek to find their good and what they have to offer you and you accept their bad.....allow them to be themselves. Now I never look for bad in people. When I did that I was missing so much and not seeing them clearly. Saw them as foes instead of friends. How can I have friends if I don't see them as such???

However.... you need boundaries too.....people sometimes make mistakes. Boundaries protect you. With truely abusive people- sometimes the only boundary that works is no contact. Respect means they allow you to be yourself...don't try to change you, but you have to give them that too.
Ugh I could write a whole post on respect and boundaries.....maybe later
I loved your post.
Anyway a bazillion books out there on making friends but you also have to be you!! Let loose and allow yourself to make mistakes around others. One of my favorite books is called Too Nice For Your Own Good by
Duke Robinson. Help you find a little more of you so you can develope that plan if you want it.
The other thing is to look at yourself.
If what you are doing to make friends isn't working- then you have to do something else.
It seems like you want friends. Its normal some people won't have the same goals as you.....but there are people out there who do. You have to know where to find them and then cultivate that friendship

Oh godness...You have brought up the thing that makes me get pissy...when others assune what I want/ get something wrong with what I said...

I do not particularly WANT friends. Most people I do not like, and most friends I do not feel an extreme attachment for and even those I do at times I do not. I DO however WANT to at least. TRY and be agood friend to those 2 I am attached too. i know I love them and I can say it too them freely.. maybe it is my need to be morally perfect? Or it is that, despite all of my confusion, I really am a bleeding heart and care TOO much. or atleast I did. but caring does nothing for people really. They still act stupid, they still do stupid $#%^. Okay...now I am grtting off track

I do have very confused feelings for about everyone. i can say I love them, but that does not mean I will be there for them no matter what...I want ot be there, but I know I cannot because I am not even really HERE half the time.

Maybe I am just bull shitting myself to hold onto this sense of self I have, even if I do not know what it is.

Of courseI have no plans!!! It is hard to plan when you do not know what you are working with. When you do not want to plan. When you do not want friends, but then you get them and you do not want ot be this big ass.

Also I hate planning. it is boring. i let things happen. If I plan friends..wtf fun is that? What kind of friends are they? Any fool can have " friends".

Yes I do love myself, and yes I do think that I do not need others, which is actually extremely laughable considering I cannot really do anyhousework, I freak at the sight of paperwork or anything as of the such, I cannot drive because I DO NOT WANT TO, I cannot get the average job because the
thought of it makes me feel suicidal. i WOULD RATHER DIE than be like everyone else. it just disgusts me.

And that is why I have no friends. People make me sick. Only a few I can take and even then thwy make me start to get " queasy" at times.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME but then...is there something wrong? Maybe I am right and everyone else is wrong ..but I am stuck in this world where wrong is right. Up is down. down is up. is my vision really so clouded or is it evereyone elses?

$#%^ I cannot stand you thinking you know what my self needs when I do not !I am sick and tired of people trying to put a blanket on everyone... what myself needs i some clarity or anything....Damn.

JPKAS wrote:Oh godness...You have brought up the thing that makes me get pissy...when others assune what I want/ get something wrong with what I said...

Ok I was wrong.
I appreciate you setting me straight about it.
Never good to misread someone

You are right....I have NO clue what you want/need.
Was taking a guess.
Whatever you say about yourself is true, how you feel ect.
I can't argue with that. Wouldnt want to
Glad you know yourself well enough to know that.

I know me too.
I was trying to help.
Mistakeingly assumed since you posted you were open to other perspectives.
Go ahead and feel pissy if it makes you feel better. Glad you can get it all out
It doesn't effect me because I know where I was coming from
Thanks for letting me know where you are coming from
It helps

JPKAS wrote: Any fool can have " friends".

If you say its true. Then it is true for you.

I do know this.....not just ANYONE can be my friend.