Anyone here No Contact with their N Parent?

I am now more or less no contact... here's my spleen....

My mother is I think borderline/narcissist and is pretty damned crazy. My father is definitely narcissistic but a bit milder, he has feelings, some boundaries, but certainly wouldn't attempt to help or get involved in any "embarassing" or "personal" issues, whether related to friends, colleagues, or his own kids.

I'm 40 and male. I left home at 18. My parents have been divorced going on 20 years and don't talk to each other. My sister (the golden child) is utterly enmeshed with my crazy mother and has little life of her own AFAIK. I'm pretty schizoid and a loner....when I occasionally did have the chances for love in this life I generally blew it, through distrust and fear of being controlled emotionally by a woman, and at the same time needy. When these problems didn't screw me, then it was the issue that you just can't tell a normal young woman, that your mum is a total cow, and best avoided. Being honest with prospective mates about your family situation gets you dumped in a hurry, and being dishonest about these feelings leads back down the road to where you started...

Why does it take so much time, so much distance to begin to see the whole picture in the rear view mirror? My mother was/is a real nutjob. Gradually, starting in childhood, the dissonance built up, how my mother blamed me for all my bad behaviour (the scapegoat), but oddly, was actually angry (displaced onto some other reason) when I succeeded, or other adults complimented me. I remember how on my first day at work age 16 ( a night shift at a local factory) she wouldn't let me sit in front of TV after work to "get my head together" before sleeping....she was angry, that I'd achieved something, my step into adulthood threatened her, she had to "reassert control" by "sending me to bed".

I do remember other adults occasionally having a "quiet word" with her about the way she talked, acted, and parented, but it was always followed by an outburst of such vitriol that they backed off. When I was 13 I vandalised a building at school, and the school forced my parents to send me to the shrink. He asked my mother if she loved me, to which she replied "I don't see why I should love him, unless he does....". I was quite happy to have an independent adult talk about my problems, and what was wrong with me, but we never went again after the 1st session. I remember how "solicitous" my mother was as we left the shrink's office....she wanted me to look after her wounded emotions - right after she'd admitted that I wasn't worth loving. Both of my parents blamed me that my bad behaviour had caused the opposite sex parent to age, spoiling their sex lives... oh, and on the topic of sex, my mother (who I liked to have a intellectual chat with) always used the opportunity to steer the conversation around to sex, and her sex life. Hmmm, healthy stuff. Left me with a disgusting feeling in my guts every time.

Since then my mother has behaved disgracefully in every sphere of her life, far below the rigid "standards" she liked to set for me. She married a gigolo and got him immigrated into the country, knowingly lying to the authorities as he was a known felon. Of course, once he duped and dumped her, she climbed over herself to inform the state that she had lied (even risking prosecution). This was described as righteous behaviour of course, but it was simple jealous, furious revenge-seeking. She picks up emotive issues from TV (especially environmental / green issues like recycling, not wasting plastic bags etc), and rants furiously against transgressors, yet regularly takes 2 trans-global holidays a year, burning up the same resources as a lifetime's worth of recycling. She belittles more or less anything I do at work, won't allow me to help her (help = giving me control!!), then blames me for not being there. And now, even badmouthed my sister a couple of times, for not being there enough....that's the last straw for me, as my sister has spent her whole life kow-towing.

I first found out that there was such a thing as "narcissism" on the interwebs a few years back, and realised that if I wasn't narcissist, I was certainly strongly "traited". I had a breakdown and couldn't look after myself, needed help (I was suicidal, deliberately starving myself until I became psychotic). The same thing happened when I was early 20s and needed my parents help, jobless and broke and severely depressed (in the interim I have 2 degrees and a good science career). Luckily I have had a few friends, both times, and they have helped me immensely. I survived and held onto my job. Now I've more or less cut contact with the parents. What's the point?

As for my sister, I'd like to get to know her again (and when we were kids, I added to her problems by being a jealous bully, partly due to the parental triangulation game, I think), but I can't see it happening while my mother lives. My father I can get along with and drink a beer with, but the knowledge that he's incapable of showing any love or support, together with his smug big-headedness, means I can't really love him either.

Anyway, that's said now. Bleeeugh. Have a nice day all

[quoteWhy does it take so much time, so much distance to begin to see the whole picture in the rear view mirror? My mother was/is a real nutjob. Gradually, starting in childhood, the dissonance built up, how my mother blamed me for all my bad behaviour (the scapegoat), but oddly, was actually angry (displaced onto some other reason) when I succeeded, or other adults complimented me. I remember how on my first day at work age 16 ( a night shift at a local factory) she wouldn't let me sit in front of TV after work to "get my head together" before sleeping....she was angry, that I'd achieved something, my step into adulthood threatened her, she had to "reassert control" by "sending me to bed".[/quote]

I totally understand your aggravation. I just realized what was going on about 3 months ago. The more successful i became the more she would bad mouth me, and to more people. Ironically when i was working at mcdonalds she told everyone how proud of me she was because i "owned up to some responsibility and took a job to support myself". To my face she told me to "stick with mcdonalds, its your ace in the hole". Mmmya.. Nice. I work in investment banking today, glad i didnt take that advice. Other adults would say that i was a really cool interesting kid and she would bad mouth them and id never see them again.

As for my sister, I'd like to get to know her again (and when we were kids, I added to her problems by being a jealous bully, partly due to the parental triangulation game, I think), but I can't see it happening while my mother lives.

While i didnt do the jealous bully thing i can feel how triangulation has suffocated my relationship with my sister (the golden child). It seems i never see her unless my mom is around at the same time, despite calling once in a while i rarely get a call back. I truly realized the scope of the damage after i reported to the police that my uncle sexually molested my friend and my cousin. My mom told me she had told my sister about everything and that she said she supprted me all the way - then after the phone call that led me to go no contact, i was talking to my brother. Well he called my sister, and turns out my mom never told her a thing - this was over a week later. Then i realized all the things that my mother told me that my sister had said that were likely bunk too.

Truth is, given how precipitously my mother bad mouths me to other people (random people in town, my own girlfriend, shop keepers, co workers, my dad) chances are high that the only perception my sister has of me is about 18 years worth of this bull. Given that my mother is always around when i see her im sure the conversation is less than free and filled with those damn "dont tell him i told you, but" type lies.

My mom is so meshed into my sister that this year, ironically the first holiday season where i am no contact, she decided to do christmas with my sister at her place 6 hours away for the first time in 20 years. Thats relevant because indo a boxing day open house every year and this is the first year my parents arent invited.

Its hard looking backwards in the mirror and realizing what a bloody waste of energy it all was, on both sides. Us for trying to get things on track and them for spending so much time sabotaging us i. The first place.

In January it will have been a year since I have spoken to my daddy. I see no cause for celebration. I feel no better for having turned my back on him. My pain has not lessened. I don't see how people think this to be the solution.

My step mom wrote me the day after Christmas. To tell me about his girlfriends. How he tells lies. How he must be having financial difficulties. Basically to confirm what a horribly awful person he is.

I didn't reply.

Sometimes I question if it isn't the one who thinks their self a victim that is actually the offender. At least in some situations.

I when I think of him now often feel disgust when at one time I thought so much of him.

reflection wrote:In January it will have been a year since I have spoken to my daddy. I see no cause for celebration. I feel no better for having turned my back on him. My pain has not lessened. I don't see how people think this to be the solution.

It is only a solution if further contact brings you further pain. I have gone NC for 3 months now, and it's still a complete mess. While I don't know your situation, by having contact with them it allows my NM to assasinate my character to virtually everyone who will listen. By making a big public point of breaking contact at least I can rest assured that if she tries to damage any further relationships of mine with family, friends, or the local shopkeeper I can at least point to the fact that I havent spoken to them and wont. It's the sabotage that has frustrated me the most.

Relationships, job prospects, relationships with siblings. I notice that they are better already. I dont call my NM and EF anymore, I call my siblings directly. Instead of getting her coles notes version of whats going on I am finding out the straight goods. I am finding that my relationships with my siblings has already improved dramatically - with the exception of my GC sister but that was largely to be expected - because I'm spending zero time on the phone with the information control agent and more time on the phone with those that I actually want to have a relationship with.

No contact with my dad since end of October and hoping to be able to make it last.

Long rant but basically looking for suggestions dealing with NF and social media with our shared relatives.

I too am looking to go NC with my NPD Father. Though he was never diagnosed and never will see anyone regarding issues because, of course, he has none...He had always been "the perfect host" for outsiders, schmoozing with flight attendants, leaving our dinner table at a restaurant to schmooze with the cook and waitstaff or to go a greet another patron who turns out only looked like a "lodge brother"...Then 10 years ago got into a big spat with my brother who was in business with him and the full force of the NPD started showing. When sister and I pointed out to him that his actions against brother were not good ones he blew up on us as well. All of this time my disabled mother stayed with him despite his numerous affairs and the lies he was caught up in. (for example, he would tell mom he was coming over to our hotel when we were visiting but never show up - turns out he was with one of his mistresses) Mom passed away 8 years ago and did not leave a will so her estate was to be divided between the four of us - brother signed off his portion of the estate in lieu of settling the division of the business. He has been NC since but NF continues to talk about a "palace coup" with brother stealing the company (the settlement was quite lucrative for NF) That left my sister and I to settle the estate.

7 years ago he married his last mistress (35 years younger and from another country and social level) Since then as we work to resolve the rest of the estate, NF has lied to attorneys, gone appraisal shopping, and performed every other delay tactic to avoid settling the estate. In his mind, our "stay at home" mother really had no estate.... everything was his because he was the only income for the 48 years of their marriage. He emails EVERYONE - folks we don't know, companies who work on the house, even members of organizations he belongs to - talking about how we are taking away his hard earned money. (yes, even the pool care company got this with a cc to sister and me!) Of course when I corrected his lies to his attorney he became more abusive to me. Sister is EXTREMELY passive with this; has never liked confrontation so she continues to be "Golden Child". I am the one who had been communicating with the attorney du jour (he's had 3 so far in this process - each one giving up shortly after he starts his antics). His latest explosion occurred just before Christmas when I gave this attorney the correct figures for the appraisals which were done in 2006 which sister and I were still willing to accept.

I was NC for 3 years before (lovely years !) but had gotten suckered by my sister into trying contact again a couple of years ago. After this latest, I have committed myself to go NC again. My adult kids know the situation but sister and brothers' adult kids have been left in the dark. I know they are all Facebook Friends with NF but I have blocked him from my information. He has even tried to friend my childhood friends but my closest understand what's happening and have blocked him from their pages. I am just concerned now that he will use that forum to post vicious messages about me to my nieces, nephews and kids.I wonder if I need to preempt this with a note to them alerting them to the situation....that as we continue to resolve their grandmother's estate the attack will also continue.

We know we will never see anything from him when he dies - his new wife is 5 years younger than his youngest child. Mom, however, was very clear that she wanted her estate to go to her children and grandchildren which is why she refused to go to an attorney with my NF who had been abusive to her.

Wow. Sounds like quite a tale.

Legally, your dad is entitled to 100% of your mother's estate, if they were married at the time of her death. If that's the case, morality may be on your side but not the law.

I am NC now and have been for four months, second time round although the first time was not official and this time it is.

Its so screwed up when you have a "helpful family member" who wants to lure you back into the fold to make things right and you get suckered and then sucker punched with the same old BS all over again. I'm in that zone right now, seeing as I'm only 4 months NC and the holidays just passed, the crazyness has all come out.

I got a wack e-mail from my EF that my GC sister was leaving town the very day I was having a family gathering, everything else was occluded. He made mention that "the sisters" were coming up and a "miscellaneous husband". Truly a bizarre email to get from your family sent to you and all your siblings. One of my sisters wants to go out for coffee - what I am gathering is a venue for a more serious conversation and I'm prepared for the kool aid to be offered.

Your scenario sounds a bit like my friend's dad after his mother died after a long bout with cancer. His dad wasnt so outward bound as your father, but he did remarry a mere few monhs after she passed. My friend went totally NC and only had one meeting with him where they had it out and parted ways forever.

I should have noted that mother and NF did not live in the USA at time of mom's death. The country where they lived has laws whereby, if no legal will, the estate is divided equally between heirs - husband and children. We worked with a number of attorneys to figure out value back in 2006 but NF kept changing the rules and finding new appraisals that the final "arbitrator" (closest American equivilent) gave up. Things got so vicious from him that I forwarded the nasty emails to this attorney who told him to stop. That attorney gave up on him in 2005.