Anyone here No Contact with their N Parent?

From what I've seen OKVirtue, they are surprisingly fine. Most look after themselves and do pretty well. Most N mothers anyway seem to make sure, one way or another, that their daughters know they are in good shape. This is quite important to them, I think. My own mum I know continues on with her holidays and hobbies, and makes sure I know that in roundabout ways.

I think that once they accept you are gone they sort of turn it around to make it out to have been their decision and then they rewrite the story with themselves as the abused person who had to walk away.

In a possibly funny sidenote, they do like to leave you a letter in their will. I belonged to another forum where members used to share some of these letters. One listed all the wonderful things the N parent had achieved in their twilight years (cough) and all the parent's own wonderful character traits (cough again) and then offered a sort of divine forgiveness to the child for the child's awful personality and conduct. The last line was "I'm sorry that our lives have ended on such a bitter note." Author did not seem to appreciate that only one of their lives had ended...

Anais, this is actually really helpful to me..

I never realized until I had to think about this thread the possibility that my concern for what my NC father is thinking of me could be such an insidious influence on me.. Hmm..

It certainly helps to know that the N will turn things around and justify the decision to go NC as theirs, and move on. It could be a tremendous relief to know (or at least believe) he is not thinking of me. Could assuage a lot of my fear and anxiety.

Thanks..

Anais wrote:

computerology wrote:Cordial is how you describe a relationship with an ex wife, not a parent.

Very true. What a thing to say, oh boy. It`s also amazing that they unfriended you on facebook so quickly. That they even THOUGHT of doing that in the moments immediately after receiving such a letter from their son... How shall we react to this... I know, we`ll GET ON FACEBOOK RIGHT NOW AND BLOCK HIM THIS SECOND! It`s like they are children.

So i told him i hope that they have a nice life and goodbye.

Hooray!

Well, to their credit (not) they waited 4 days between me sending the message and unfriending me and talking about having a cordial relationship. My message was that i was seriously contemplating what I was going to do with my relationship with my mother and that I would take my time and let her know when I made my decision.

Before I could answer, I got that - and the facebook unfriending.

But... its all semantics. The net effect and result are exactly the same. What annoyed me was takin such great care to write the letter to my dad about why I was upset, explaining the variety of very recent situations that led me to feel this way (up to just a day before I stopped talking to my mother), and then to have him say that he agreed with everything that she had said and dropping that bomb on me.

I was hoping to continue a relationship with him... but after that, hell no. I knew he was en enabler, and I thought I might actually have a decent relationship with him if we never spoke of my mother. But that isnt classic enabler, it is extreme enabler. Which means he is every bit an equal partner in the problem. Sad, but true, and if even after all that he couldn't (he's an academic so he's not stupid) take a moment to use those critical thinking skills then he's no father of mine.

Right now I have to hold back from launching my own newspaper advertising campaign to bomb their little business into the stone age and show them a taste of what character assasination really looks like. Unlike when I got kicked out 3 times in my teens, these days i have serious resources. An advantage they used against me ruthlessly when I was struggling to just try to finish high school and they did everything they could to thrust me into being homeless.

The enabling dads have an empathy problem - remember that article? You're asking him to "recognize and identify with the feelings of others" - he can't do that. Doesn't matter how smart or logical he is. That part of him that observes others' feelings and connects to them, isn't there. Maybe because he has his own N wiring or maybe because he's dependent in some way and has adopted your mum' s responses as his own so he doesn't have to go there.

If you sent the letter you wrote to normal parents, they would be concerned and try to communicate or give you space or whatever they thought was best, but you can't put a narcissist in what they see as a corner like that - "I'll think about it and get back to you." They want to "win" so they'll just make a chess move and put themselves in what they see as the "winner's" position. They care about them, not you. They've just proven it - again. You're right that they're not worth your energy. Even thinking of revenge against them is tough, because it takes more energy that you need for you, and gives it back to them again in a way.

Yeah. The revenge thing bothers me. On one hand, they assasinated my character at every possibilty they had. Every chance to put a good word in they chose to put in a bad one. Every chance to help they chose to frustrate my work or stand in my way. Now that ive entirely bit the bullet and have carved them and will carve anyone who takes their side out of my life with a chainsaw the potential for reprocussions in enacting revenge is gone. In fact, it may even hasten the appearance of those who might choose to be subversive so i can cut them out of my life quicker.

But you are right, as satisfying as revenge might be, it is also just more precious seconds wasted on them, and there have been far too many of those already.

In answer to the original question at the top of this thread, totally yeah, absolutely no contact since 2003. My relationship with my mother is how I ended up disordered in the first place.

OkVirtueOkFault wrote:Here's a point though--given that I'm preoccupied with other's opinions of me, there is likely a huge weight hanging over my head wondering what he's thinking or feeling about me all these years.. I could never make him happy, as such I'm convinced he's unhappy with me and thinking negative things towards me right this second, every second of the day. Terrible burdon.

Doing this is a complete waste of energy; esp. since you've been NC for 16 years. Besides, YOU are not responsible for another person's feelings. They will feel what they feel, and that's it. IF he is unhappy with you, that is his problem not yours. It's pointless for you to sit and stew about it, dear.

computerology wrote:But you are right, as satisfying as revenge might be, it is also just more precious seconds wasted on them, and there have been far too many of those already.

Yes. Keep the focus on your own healing. Besides, public revenge like that could very well backfire where YOU would be perceived as the aggressor; and your parents would be "right" in disowning you for being such a horrible son because "look what he did..." I can hear it all now. Blech.

If it helps any, my NM also used threats like "legal emancipation" when we were teens. My father had already passed away, and we were traumatized but she used that as control. She threatened to put us in foster care, or to leave...we already had abandonment issues and she made it very clear "we" weren't on her priority list anymore. My brother would come home to find his stuff out on the lawn, because he didn't wash the dishes or some such thing. Seems like children of Ns move out as soon as they can. No wonder. It breaks my heart too when I hear of kids running away~~society paints them as bad kids but nobody ever bothers to consider the parents and how awful they may be treating that child.

Sorry...got on a rant!

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but I am all new to this.

I keep reading about the term "no contact". Is this something that the therapists usually recommend or do I keep hearing about "no contact" from both sufferers and supporters because that is a way to help rehabilitation?

No contact is something that I did to preserve my own sanity and to protect my kids. People decide for themselves if no contact is right for them; but in my mind, there is no better way to gain clarity if you're constantly exposed to BS and mindf*cks. Many therapists don't understand, but you can't heal from toxic parents if you're still drinking their poison. Light contact is the precursor to NC. That means keeping your emotional distance and your interactions to a minimum. I was LC for years, even before I knew what it was. Investing in a relationship with an N is basically allowing your own abuse. NC is cutting the cord and saving yourself.