For victims... the stupidity of the other side

Bottom line. I FEEL SO STUPID. Yes I do. Why? A little bit still. But I think it is really important not to blame yourself. I think it is important to admit to yourself, I was stupid. I loved someone and it was not really reciprocated only under manipulation. By me and by his own agenda. Did I see it coming? No. I was innocent. Did I finally see it? Yes. I had a pretty good idea and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Did I see it and begin suffering? Yes. I denied it. Did I decide to stay? Yes. No excuses. I am stupid.

Normal wrote:I have always perceived it as a conflict between head/heart but really it was some primitive form of CBT!

This made me laugh, Normal. A primitive form of CBT! I guess so.

Or maybe CBT is just formalizing and systematizing what our normal healthy reactions would be if we hadn't degenerated into 'unhealth'. CBT isn't a miracle-cure. In fact, when I first was exposed to it in training, my reaction was "Duh!".
Its premises and practices seemed quite obvious and ordinary to me.

But it is one thing to think you understand something and quite another to do it... to practice it in your real life on a continual basis until you've retrained yourself to think/feel/behave differently.

I'm a big fan of CBT!

ugh! I am sooo co-dependent. if i sound angry or if it seems i'm flexing muscle or putting down the N's its because i'm still fighting for my independence. i don't see the stupidity of the other side at all. i see a disorder that seems to equate with evilness to me because it corrupts love. i hate that. i never known that before. god.

i feel those with npds -- specially the high functioning ones -- are very intelligent.

also, it speaks more about the person when they call someone dumb than the one being called dumb. though i admit that its very understandable to do so because of the hurt npd inflict -- at times, i findmyself remembering my ex bf who has npd as an asshole.

still, if the other side is stupid, there may also be a reason why we still - despite their stupidity - had a relationship with them.
in my journal i saw myself referring to myself as "stupid" and "yecch"

maybe its me wanting to have a relationship with someone who felt & thought the same thing about me?

& i did for 12-14 yrs.

now, i know i needed to change all the negatives i thought & felt about me, slowly but surely. journalling helps a lot!!! & so does melanie tonia evans' site specially her group power healing session which she conducted for free in her online radio show http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love. hours after this session, i saw myself in front of the mirror & telling myself "I love you." and "Im sorry." seriously!

interesting...so some of you, by far, are incapable of reading of person, get sucked in, then years later to make yourselves feel better call those with a true a nearly disabling PD stupid?...can you say devaulation?

Its pathetic, own your $#%^...you couldn't read the situation, and if I remember, intelligence is strictly defined as the capability to process the world around you it does appear that you dear empaths are the ones that are stupid enough for the time that you did.

Some of you are no better than an untreated person with a PD.

Euler wrote:interesting...so some of you, by far, are incapable of reading of person, get sucked in, then years later to make yourselves feel better call those with a true a nearly disabling PD stupid?...can you say devaulation?
Its pathetic, own your $#%^...you couldn't read the situation, and if I remember, intelligence is strictly defined as the capability to process the world around you it does appear that you dear empaths are the ones that are stupid enough for the time that you did.
Some of you are no better than an untreated person with a PD.

Some of the victims on the board would do very well to attend 3-6 months of codependent groupwork, or individual work if they can find/afford it. You are right about some of those who post, I suspect, Euler. These folks will not usually be helped by simply labeling their ex as a narcissist; they need to do some personal work themselves or they will find themselves in a similar situation again. When I read posts that say "my boyfriend is a narcissist; don't you agree? .. and my exhusband was a narcissist... and now my boss is a narcissist... and by the way, I think my parent was a narcissist... ", I often wonder who really has the problem .

Some of the victims on the board (the minority I think) are not prone to codependency but became unraveled by a very skilled pathological narcissist. They are able to bounce back to health with some time, some facts and some empathetic connections.
These folks are more than willing to own their own $*#%&... but it takes some time to untwist themselves from the pretzel they've become and categorize some as 'theirs" and some as "mine".

Lifesong

my ex was very intelligent and i like to think i am as well so neither one of us were "stupid" for getting involved with each other; she's been doing what she has always known to do to survive and seek companionship and I am just now coming to terms with my own co-dependency after a sequence of emotionally unavailable woman culminating in my most recent ex who was/is a potential N. My neediness kept me around despite knowing full well that relationship was toxic and I realized that weeks into it. Yet, I stayed...

I have recently come across the disorder of NPD on the internet, and I am sooo relieved that I may have finally found the answer to my former partners behavior. Do the victims of these people more or less diagnose the partner themselves? In other words, in most cases, is it safe to say that the partner thought to have NPD has never been medically diagnosed?
I have wasted 4 years of my life being demoralized by a "narcissist" who's behavior severly and adversely affected me emotionally, financially, and pysically where I begame extremely ill due to a stress related disorder. I came to learn that he was also a cocaine addict which I thought the main cause of our problems. I have recently discovered that he fits the profile for NPD perfectly. Is it common for narcissists to become substance abusers?
Anyway, I began to pull away from him several months ago, and eventually stopped seeing him completely over 3 months ago. He kept pursuing me the entire time, although I refused to see him, and ignored most of his calls. We still talked on the phone occassionally though and e-mailed. I was hoping he would get help for his cocaine addiction, and refusing to see him until he did. He recently made some huge attempts to see me, leaving flowers, e-mails telling me how he suddenly realizes what a jerk he's been etc. He then showed up at my house, so we went for a walk to talk. He told me while we were apart, his ex. moved back into town, he started spending time with his her, even took her on a road trip.........and got her pregnant! He bailed on our road trip plans a few times over the years...usually saying he could't afford it! He even admitted that he tells her he loves her(but doesn't mean it...she just says it first), when a huge issue of ours is that he was unable to say it to me!!! (although he said it numerous times the other night and said he just had trouble saying it while we were together). He now says he wants to be in this child's life, and that he really wants to be "'part of a family". A year ago he wanted a vasectomy and said he is in no position to have any more kids!! He doesn't have a thing to his name, is in major debt and is a drug addict! He knows I have HUGE issues with this woman, as although she messed around on him and left him (pretty much devastating him at the time) several years ago, she continued to call him and e-mail and text him over the years which had always made me LIVID. Does this make sense to ANYONE out there? Does this fit the NPD profile?Is he just trying to hurt me?? Is it a game? I am considering telling his mother about his cocaine addiction, and possibly the mother of his son as well. I need to feel vindicated after all he's put me through. I feel a need to expose him before I walk away..for myself and for his son. Could this backfire or will it help me to heal? Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

tigersuzy wrote:ugh! I am sooo co-dependent. if i sound angry or if it seems i'm flexing muscle or putting down the N's its because i'm still fighting for my independence. i don't see the stupidity of the other side at all. i see a disorder that seems to equate with evilness to me because it corrupts love. i hate that. i never known that before. god.

hi tigersuzy,

maybe - and i highly recommend - this will help http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowe ... nships.htm

and I am confident it will.

Judging from some of the recent posts on the forum... it's time to revisit the issue of codependency again...
Sorry.
Lifesong