N boss trying to fire me--advice needed

I've been working for my boss for about 4-5 years, and it's pretty safe to say that I've been supply for almost all of that time. Earlier this week, we were discussing a project, and I told her (very diplomatically) that I wasn't sure one of her ideas would be possible to execute due to budget constraints. She told me to F off, and then proceeded to storm out of the office. She came back in 5 min later, perfectly calm, and tells me that things haven't been working out, that she can't emotionally cope with a continued working relationship, and that I should find a new job. She also told me that I had been a fabulous employee with a strong work ethic, and that she cared very much about me. I was so shocked that I didn't really try to argue with her, I just said OK.

The next day, I have these emails from her saying that she is going to write me up for various things that weren't really my fault. (At our company, you have to be written up on more than one occasion before HR will consider termination). She also phoned my dept manager and told her that from now on, all communication from me to her must be through my manager; in addition, she doesn't even want to see me. I'd been pretty numb from shock up until that point, but I got pretty upset when I heard that. I guess my boss heard from someone that I was upset, because I got a phone call from her telling me to please not be upset, and that everything would be OK. WTF? Anyway, several people went to HR on my behalf, and I guess HR told her to cease and desist with the write-ups and set-ups, because she's been pretty quiet the past few days. (She was also told that there wasn't any justification for writing me up, which I'm sure she was none too thrilled about.)

Anyway, I guess my question is, do you think this is the calm before the storm? Or do you think she really is following HR's instructions? I've been reassigned to someone else's projects, so I'm no longer directly working for her anymore, although I'm still in her department. Also, IDK if this is relevant, but up until this happened, she flirted with me to the point that other were beginning to ask me if there was something going on. She also stalked me on Facebook. In addition to my above question, if anyone can offer me any insight into what happened/what will happen (based on previous/personal experiences), I'd really appreciate it. The post was getting long so I haven't included all details--if you need more information, just ask.

Hey Hello,

From your post its not clear to me if your a woman or a man (just out of interest). I understand this feels awful, but isnt it just better to find a new job, somewhere far away from this person? Why would you wanna stay and work for or near a boss with NPD. Are you addicted to this relationship yourself?
Last but not least; justice doesnt work - NEVER - its running for the hills that does (the hills where the much more beautiful & better things are waiting for you).

Paola

Hi there,

IMO she sounds completely unstable and I doubt that has not come to the attention of her superiors.

You say you were unable to proceed with the project due to budgetary constraints? Presumably the budget is not set by you so go to whoever has that control to inform them. You were acting correctly and abiding by your organisation's rules so unless she has something substantial on you I can't see how you can be dismissed.

Who else is on her level of management? I imagine she is unpopular with her colleagues or, at the very least, she will not be respected if she has such poor impulse control. Talk with them. You would be amazed at how much senior people are waiting for junior staff to make a complaint about someone they want to get rid of but are unable because no one will come forward.

Personally, I hate these kind of people. They are invariably useless because they cause so much hassle and waste so much time because there are nothing but lawsuits as a result of their poor management and people skills. Don't give up, someone will want her gone believe me.

I don't think there is any point in trying to reason with her. Ignore her and let her stew. You need to be smarter and keep your own emotions in check but make noises about unfair dismissal, bullying, mental disress etc when you are speaking to HR and the company lawyers (if it gets that far)

Good luck!

Thanks to both of you for your replies.

Paola--I'm a woman. My boss is married (to a man), but rumor has it that she's had affairs with a few other women from different departments. I completely agree that it is better to find a new job, (and I'm currently looking), but I haven't found anything yet, and quitting w/o another job isn't an option for me right now. My concern is that she's either going to a) continue trying to get me fired before I've found another job, or b) try to "reconcile" with me (and at this point, I'm not sure I would have the strength not to cave). (She was very much like a mentor or older sister to me). To make matters worse, I saw her with another woman last night at a bar, (and she knows that I saw her). I'm worried that will give her extra incentive to get rid of me (if she's afraid I'll tell people, which I won't).

Topaz--you are definitely right--I think people do realize that she's unstable. However, IMO, she puts on a slightly different show for her peers, so although they've undoubtedly heard stories about her from junior-level staff (i.e. racist comments, throwing a stapler, and knocking over our Ozarka machine in a fit of rage), I don't think much of her instability is directed at them, so it's easier for them to write it off. The ones who she mistreats just leave because it's easier than dealing with her. (She became head of the dept 1.5 years ago, and since then, we've had 6 people on her level leave.) She's also v. powerful in terms of her client base, so I kind of doubt they'd let her go. I think you are right about the ignoring her part though--I suppose any form of attention (negative or positive) is just supply, right?

Also, what do you guys think I should do if she tries to contact me? She's incredibly well-known in our field, so I don't want to further her anger by completely ignoring her, but I don't want to be supply either. Or get entangled in her web of narcissism again.

I think the first thing you have to do is to control your emotions - as long as she has an emotional grip on you, she's in control - which will both please her and make you vulnerable. What's the worst thing she can do to you? Throw a stapler at you? Spread rumours about you? Scare you by waiting around for you in the corridor at night? Writing a bad report for you that's totally fabricated? None of these options are pleasant but none of it is the end of the world either. Try not to be intimidated by her - and not to provoke her either. If she gets in touch, be polite, factual, distal. If possible, don't reply impulsively (suppress the urge to "sort things out", "set things straight", "put them on the table") but draft a reply, sleep over it and send it the next day, possibly consulting others about it. don't reveal anything about your emotions, plans, no more information than absolutely necessary. no impulse actions. breathe in, breathe out, think, wait, be on guard.

Just don't go down without a fight - hang in there. maybe she'll get over it, maybe you can move sideways in the company and, worst comes to worst, maybe there's a redundancy payment in for you (not sure under which legislation you live). Should she keep picking on you, maybe you can learn to ignore that, and then she'll probably get bored with it. It'll be good though to start documenting anything about your work situation, though: emails, conversations, orders, events, etc. - with time, date, location, witnesses... you never know if and when it could come in handy.

hope this helps

Find the facebook or myspace of her children if she has any, and ask them how they are being abused. It usually works.

If you really want to push things, get a subscription to those highschool yearbook sites. Pick someone from their school from the opposite gender whose face is extremely similar to theirs -- crushes are actually extreme cases of facial attraction, which in turn is based on facial similarity, thereby explaining why crushes are usually reciprocated -- and create a fake profile based on that person. Since their kid will be infatuated with who they think you are, they are more likely to trust you. Ask them to document the abuse (e.g., buy them a tape recorder and ship it to them through a friend, or ask them to take pictures of the physical abuse with a camera). Instruct them on how to upload it.

Then print out what is said, put on some invisible gloves, at least around your fingertips, and then superglue a few of those papers to the walls at work when no one is looking. On top of all of this, hire a friend to anonymously call the police while she is at work. Have them do it from a payphone, saying that it is an emergency. Tell them to pick up an envelope with proof that your boss committed an extremely violent crime. Put the pictures of the physical abuse inside of it, and leave it at the designated location in your job. When they come, they'll question her in front of everyone and she may even get arrested. Then it's only a matter of HR removing her because she is a massive scar on the reputation of the business.

I've done something similar once, but without the second paragraph or the crush part. But in theory, it should work. Have fun.