How do I get him to leave??

I'm finally at the end of my rope with my marriage. 11 years we've been together, and 3 kids(8,7 &3). I'm 32...he's 39.

I finally get what was wrong all these years and can't believe I've stayed with him this long. We had a really rough patch this past December that was the final straw for me. I just recently told him that I can't do it anymore and don't have to put up with his BS even if it means I have to raise 3 kids by myself...

But I don't want to have to move out of our house! Why should I have to move with 3 kids?? It's a small rental house in a good neighborhood/town, something that will be extremely difficult for me to find in this school system. I figured that if I moved out then he would end up moving too b/c he wouldn't want to pay rent for a 3 bedroom house...but he said he'd get a roomate. Nice, huh?

Does anyone have any advice on how to get HIM to leave?? For the first time ever he's saying he'll go to counseling, but I'm very very skeptical about his intentions. He's told me numerous times that it doesn't work. I also highly doubt that he will be truthful with the therapist...and I don't think I have it in me to wait years for him to possibly get better. Now he keeps asking me "Why won't you try??" b/c I'm so skeptical and he keeps pretending everything's fine.

Courtney

I went through something similar three years ago. I had been married almost 30 years, 2 children, one 16, one 22, both living at home.

This was the chronology of events:
1 - Crisis time for me, I asked for a trial separation.
2 - He tried negotiation - he would (finally) go to a counsellor. Previous attempts had all failed as he become defensive and critical of the counsellor.
3-Then bargaining. He said he would change but every discussion turned into a tirade on his part as to how it was my fault and he was the innocent victim.
4-He then moved to compromise - said he would kick out our 22 year old (university student) son and move into his room and we could just live apart but in the same house.
5 - I said no. He then tried bullying and said he wanted the house. I fought tooth and nail to keep it, knowing that he never did housework, yardwork, or maintenance and was also planning to move overseas, so the house would be put up for sale within months and my sons turfed out to live on their own or with me.

6-It took months of constant fighting before he found a place. Then he tried to take our 16 year old with him. By then I had persuaded him to see a psychologist "to help him through the separation phase". Thank goodness for that psychologist, who quickly identified that he didn't want to take our son for our son's welfare, but to keep my ex company and provide support for him. When the psychologist told him that our son was better off staying where he was in his familiar house and near his friends and school, and not living a "bachelor" lifestyle in a downtown apartment, my husband backed off.

The story goes on and on, as do all divorces, but the bottom line is that it will take a huge effort on your part, and if you really want the house you will need to fight for it. You need to decide early if it is worth putting the effort in, or whether you would be better off putting your energy elsewhere, as in making a new home for you and your children that is free of the memories of him and your shared past.

Get a good lawyer, see an accountant. Secure all important documents (or copies of them) such as shared bank accounts, etc. in a place away from your home, such as a safety deposit box or at the home of a trusted friend.

If you share credit cards, etc., get that sorted first so he can't max out your credit. I've heard that story too many times from other divorced women - one recounted how her ex spent a fortune wooing his new girlfriend while they were going through divorce, then declared personal bankruptcy and left her to pay their joint credit card balances.

Most importantly, you need to cut off supply. Supply is everything from sex to picking up the drycleaning, to listening to him talk about himself. Set up clear boundaries about what behaviours are acceptable to you. Try to remain calm and don't give him any ammunition. If he has a tendancy, as mine did, to lie or "deny" that he said something, get in in the form of an email, or text message from him so you have a record, and keep copies. Or at the very least keep notes on conversations.

You didn't say if he was a diagnosed NPD, if so, he might cling to you as his main supply until he finds someone else. I got thrown away like an old rag as soon as a new woman came into my ex's life. (There has been a parade of them since and he is now apparently dating 3 women at once. I take this as flattery as it took 3 to replace me). I found this preferable to him hanging around and harassing or stalking me. In fact, I actually encouraged this, telling him our romantic life was finished and convincing him that he was still a vital, middle-aged man who deserved to find someone new. Like most NPDs who believe they manipulate the world, mine was in fact the one who was easily manipulated.

Good luck. Let us know how it proceeds and don't be afraid to come back to his list with more questions or for support. It was extremely valuable to me.

Another thought about getting him to relinquish the house. You could try reverse psychology. Start looking for your own rental house. Make some calls to agents, go out looking, make sure he knows.

This could play out in one of two ways. He will call your bluff on it, or let you do it as punishment and you will have to move, so you need to be prepare to go.

Or he could realise he doesn't want the responsibility of a big house to himself and will give in and tell you that you can have it.

You could also play up the card that worked for me, planting the suggestion in his mind that he will now be a desirable bachelor who can date anyone he wants, and living in the family home with reminders of you and the children around might not work to attract women.

Yes, nanday has great advice. My best move in my marriage to get him to leave(cause he said he never would) was to stop having sex with him. Worked like a charm. He left after 1 month and was on a date 2 hours later.

Thanks so much for your advice Nanday! It helps a lot to hear about other women's experiences!!

No, he hasn't been diagnosed with NPD yet although it totally makes sense, and I haven't even brought it up in conversation with him. He thinks things are pretty much 50/50 in our relationship...he spends a lot of time telling me how he feels (eg. going on a tirade about how if I did this and this than things would be better...ha ha ha!!). I actually taped one of our fights the other night so I could get some proof of what he was like. When I listened back to it later on(clearheaded)...it was very interesting. He barely let me speak at all and criticized me most of the time in between insults. He doesn't think it's abusive at all to call me a slob, whore, bitch...to him it's just telling it like it is.

The other problem is that I really don't have money for a divorce or a good lawyer. My husband is laid off till spring, and I only have a couple of part time jobs right now. I've heard people mentioning going thru a paralegal so maybe I should look into that.

That's a good idea about starting to look for a new place for me and the kids. I'm definitely going to keep an eye out! I've also started seeing a therapist on my own to help me sort everything out. He is just driving me crazy!! I'm so sick of listening to him go on and on and on and talking in circles!!!!!! At least I've been pretty calm and clearheaded, not letting him get to me. I just want him to go away...he had a tantrum the other night and said he was leaving and never coming back and I'd never see him again. Of course he left w/ no money, or gas in the car, and came back about an hour later and wanted to talk for two hours when I was trying to sleep. I truly wished he would just go away and leave us alone.

CC_3 wrote:.he had a tantrum the other night and said he was leaving and never coming back and I'd never see him again. Of course he left w/ no money, or gas in the car, and came back about an hour later and wanted to talk for two hours when I was trying to sleep. I truly wished he would just go away and leave us alone.

Can you get him to do this again? If so, quickly pack a suitcase of his clothes and toiletries, put it out on the lawn and lock all the doors and windows. Remove the kids from the house if you can, they should not be witness to his tantrums and abuse of you, which amounts to child abuse anyway, get a friend/s to stay with you until he returns, if there's time and you've set it up beforehand, get the locks changed. Stay put and stay strong for however long it takes.

However, on another note, letting him know that you want to end it and are actively doing something about it or the above strategy CAN push an NPD or otherwise controlling man into violence. Once they're aware of you really really meaning it's over, they will have an overwhelming feeling of abandonment and with nothing else up his sleeve, may resort to violence. IF he has repeatedly said he'd never hit a woman, or you, or if he has a history no matter how small of having hit his Mum, his sister, or too quick with his hand with the kids, then this avenue can be dangerous. On the upside, and it's a small upside, IF he does resort to violence, like kicking down the door, threatening you with a fist, threatening to ram the car into the door, you now have good reason to call the cops and it may just all fizzle out. But at least you will know what he is actually capable of, and his behaviour, reported to the police can assist your cause in access and parenting arrangements.

Normally, in cases such as this, as unfair as it might be, it's always advised to move 'incognito', never letting on that you're serious about moving. It's only a rented property anyway, Nanday is referring to a owned home that she put lots of effort in and was not prepared to let that asset be compromised.

At the end of the day, it's your kids you need to think about. HIs treatment of you is abysmal and should not be witnessed by any child, and if that means moving to a slightly lower socio-economic area, then so be it. We tend to under estimate how much our kids really desire and need a stable home, as opposed to one full of modern gadgets etc.

I know, I did it. The ex is still living in our joint home, I moved to a lower socio-economic home, but her best friend and my best friend live next door, and although it takes that extra 10 mins to get to her new private school, it's a small price to pay for a happier home, free of abuse.

I don't believe you'll find any studies of long-term detrimental emotional trauma when a child moved from a house with a dishwasher and patio with BBQ and TV entertainment unit, to a smaller one, with just the the basics. However, there are serious long-term detrimental effects of abuse that will linger long into adulthood for your kids.

HOpe that helps, somewhat.

Cheers

shivers wrote:However, on another note, letting him know that you want to end it and are actively doing something about it or the above strategy CAN push an NPD or otherwise controlling man into violence. Once they're aware of you really really meaning it's over, they will have an overwhelming feeling of abandonment and with nothing else up his sleeve, may resort to violence. IF he has repeatedly said he'd never hit a woman, or you, or if he has a history no matter how small of having hit his Mum, his sister, or too quick with his hand with the kids, then this avenue can be dangerous. On the upside, and it's a small upside, IF he does resort to violence, like kicking down the door, threatening you with a fist, threatening to ram the car into the door, you now have good reason to call the cops and it may just all fizzle out. But at least you will know what he is actually capable of, and his behaviour, reported to the police can assist your cause in access and parenting arrangements.

Normally, in cases such as this, as unfair as it might be, it's always advised to move 'incognito', never letting on that you're serious about moving. It's only a rented property anyway, Nanday is referring to a owned home that she put lots of effort in and was not prepared to let that asset be compromised.

At the end of the day, it's your kids you need to think about. HIs treatment of you is abysmal and should not be witnessed by any child, and if that means moving to a slightly lower socio-economic area, then so be it. We tend to under estimate how much our kids really desire and need a stable home, as opposed to one full of modern gadgets etc.

I know, I did it. The ex is still living in our joint home, I moved to a lower socio-economic home, but her best friend and my best friend live next door, and although it takes that extra 10 mins to get to her new private school, it's a small price to pay for a happier home, free of abuse.

I don't believe you'll find any studies of long-term detrimental emotional trauma when a child moved from a house with a dishwasher and patio with BBQ and TV entertainment unit, to a smaller one, with just the the basics. However, there are serious long-term detrimental effects of abuse that will linger long into adulthood for your kids.

HOpe that helps, somewhat.

Cheers

I totally understand what you mean. The kids are absolutely the most important thing to me!!! I think in the past I was just so overwhelmed at the thought of raising 3 kids by myself...and even now I have no idea how I'll even pay the bills but I figure something will work out. I've been looking for other places to rent, but it is pretty slim pickings...most of the rentals are quite a bit more expensive than we are paying for the small rental house we are in.

My husband has already been physically abusive in the past so I already know what he's capable of unfortunately. Usually it would happen when I fought back with him and got really upset/angry with him....or when I wouldn't "shut up". The good thing as that now that I know about the NPD, I know that fighting back is useless and I don't even let him get to me or show any kind of reaction. So I guess I can probably get a restraining order and have him kicked out. I'm just trying to plan and figure things out before I DO anything. I haven't told him ANY of my plans and have started putting cash away. I have an appt today with the therapist I just started seeing so hopefully she can help me figure out the best thing to do.

Ensure your therapist is aware of abuse in relationships. Many still seem to think it's 50/50 and are of no help whatsoever.

Although I don't know what is in your area, I found that a Women's Health Centre that offers female counsellors and DV support groups to be the best thing. They really do understand.

If your therapist starts questioning you and appears to be placing blame on you, or you find that you are feeling uncomfortable with the way they are handling your situation, don't go back.

A proper abuse DV counsellor should not have you feeling uncomfortable at all, it should be enlightening and a feeling of finally being understood and one of relief.

Actually I think I got lucky with finding my therapist. She herself has been in an abusive relationship...now divorced. So I feel like she knows what I'm going thru and is totally on my side, and it did help a lot. She also gave me some numbers to call. One for a lawyer and she gave me info on a nearby women's center where I could go if I need a RO. Also she referred me to a guy that can help me get more independent and find a way to get my business going or get a job.

And I think my husband may have finally left. We hashed it out last night for hours after the kids went to bed. He kept saying "just give me a chance" and how much we mean to him and that NOW he wants to try. To me it's just too late now, things cannot be undone. I just felt nothing towards him except annoyance and that I'm so tired of having these same ridiculous conversations over and over and over. So he left today while the kids are at school and went to stay at his sisters small summer place. It was actually his idea to go stay up there and I really hope he doesn't come back anytime soon. please please please don't come back!

I just don't know what to say to the kids right now. I'm not really sure how to explain everything...

get those locks changed ASAP. I'm guessing he won't stay away for too long.