Help! Is my Husband a Narcissist?

Hi. I'm new to this forum and trying to figure out whether I should leave my marriage. I'm beginning to think that my husband of 14 years is a narcissist. A book is on its way: "Help I'm in Love with a Narcissist"...H has trouble "owning" his issues. He's a conflict avoider. He displays arrogance and over the top self confidence. He "does what he wants, when he wants" and doesn't feel he needs to be transparent. Resents me "policing" or "interrogating" him. He's had emotional affairs, lies and then justifies the affairs by saying that it's my fault. He's a drinker although functioning. He's very controlling but doesn't recognize it. Little things that wouldn't both most people bother him. We can't cook together in the kitchen together because I get "in his way." He takes the "whistler" off the tea pot because the noise bothers him. When I'm at my vanity he turns down my light because it bothers his eyes. When I watch TV in the kitchen, he closes doors so he can't hear it. We can't both be in the walk in closet together because again I'm "in the way..." If he starts to blow his nose, I can't look at him or I'm invading his privacy. If he has to use the bathroom, I can't go anywhere near it...the privacy thing again....

Is this narcissistic behavior?

lola99 wrote:If he starts to blow his nose, I can't look at him or I'm invading his privacy.

After 32 years on this planet, 30 of which I'd wasted as a dedicated full-time Narc, and 2 in intensive reading and counciling about narcissism, I'd never, repeat: NEVER heared about this nose blowing thing! I mean WOW!!
I don't know what's your husband's problem, but I guess he's dangerous!!..realy, no kidding here. Damn! I'm just reading about him, and I almost DIED from laughter.

P.S. Best of luck with the book. Count on me to buy a copy

uh oh....now I'm really in trouble! Well at least I'm glad that you found the humor in my H's nose blowing "issue"....because up until now I'd missed it. I guess it is kinda funny in a weird way if you're not the one who has to deal with it...

lola99 wrote: Well at least I'm glad that you found the humor in my H's nose

I guess it is kinda funny in a weird way if you're not the one who has to deal with it...

YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Yes, I get it. A sticky situation no doubt.. I mean..er.. the bigger the nos-er-problem the worse the..well..uhm..nevermind.

lola99 wrote:He's a conflict avoider.

My ex loved conflict. From what I've read, it's more common for a narc to "engage" in order to get supply, and also because they want to win.

He displays arrogance and over the top self confidence. He "does what he wants, when he wants" and doesn't feel he needs to be transparent. Resents me "policing" or "interrogating" him. He's had emotional affairs, lies and then justifies the affairs by saying that it's my fault.

Narc traits.

Little things that wouldn't both most people bother him. We can't cook together in the kitchen together because I get "in his way." He takes the "whistler" off the tea pot because the noise bothers him. When I'm at my vanity he turns down my light because it bothers his eyes. When I watch TV in the kitchen, he closes doors so he can't hear it. We can't both be in the walk in closet together because again I'm "in the way..." If he starts to blow his nose, I can't look at him or I'm invading his privacy. If he has to use the bathroom, I can't go anywhere near it...the privacy thing again....

These could be narc traits, if you are in a "devalue" phase with your spouse. During the last years of our marriage, I was devalued by my ex and a lot of this sounds true. For instance, once I was carryng in the groceries (he never helped) and the wind slammed the door behind me. He came racing out of his office and started screaming at me about being careless and making noise. I dropped the groceries and started screaming back, I suppose because I'd had enough. He looked shocked and retreated. Made me feel better temporarily, but it didn't resolve the basic issue that I just plain annoyed him all the time.

There might be a crossover to obsessive compulsive behaviours. Have you researched this? I have a (former) friend who had a lot of OC behaviours - when I travelled with her, for instance, if I didn't hang my coat up just right she would correct me. She drank a bottle of wine every night, I believe to dull her anxiety, and also took what she called "happy pills". She was very touchy about everything, things had to be just right or she would display anxiety. The friendship ended when we we travelling and I arrived late for breakfast after a morning walk. She went into screaming mode at me, telling me how he had been put into an unacceptable state of worry and anxiety by my behaviour.

Based on what you've said, I can't confirm for sure that your spouse is a narc. I guess the bigger question is whether you've worked on the relationship or want to work on it. If things are getting worse, and therapy has not worked (or he won't consider it), then it's doubtful he's going to change and it's up to you whether you stay or go.

Thanks Nanday, for your insights into my H's behavior....Things are getting worse because I'm snooping and tracking and not letting things slide. When I then back off and give him space and don't "rock the boat," he's happy as a clam. He doesn't start fights, sings around the house, does his thing, and is basically happy go lucky. I do bring out the worst in him. A lot has transpired in our marriage that shouldn't have happened. I'm angry and resentful because I feel he hasn't "owned up" to the transgressions the way I think he should. He diminishes the emotional affairs and says that we just have a different value system. I tell him that married men don't get to have secret girlfriends. We haven't been intimate in a while, and now he's secretly looking at sexy Japanese teenagers doing strip teases on youtube. And I'm upset about it because he lied when confronted and said it was a "popup" of a Japanese mountain...I mean, it's just foolishness. He doesn't seem to be able to "get real" with me. Always secrets, lies of omission. And then I get anxious and go on truth seeking missions and get blamed for being on his case all the time, which makes him want to rebel even more. We're in our 50's -- and this is just very silly and immature to me.

And now I'm upset because he's returning today from visiting his family in another state and, as usual, I can't get a hold of him on his Blackberry. And then my mind wonders what he's really up to. But if I ask, I'm accused of "interrogating" him and he won't respond. I can't live like this anymore but am not financially in a position to strike out on my own right now. He pays all the bills and I'm squirreling away my money in the meantime for the great escape if need be.

But in the meantime, a friend mentioned "narcissism" and I thought, hmmm...is this what I've been dealing with for 20 years and didn't even know it??? Who knows....

I don't think he's obsessive compulsive, though. It's just that he likes what he likes and feels entitled to have his way no matter whether it bothers me or not.

Thanks for "listening." It really means a lot to come here and get my feelings out....

lola99 wrote:And then I get anxious and go on truth seeking missions and get blamed for being on his case all the time, which makes him want to rebel even more. We're in our 50's -- and this is just very silly and immature to me.

At the age of 54, I was visiting my mother, and talking to her about the troubles in my relationship. She said one sentence to me that changed me life.

She asked if I was prepared to go on living the life I was living for the rest of my life. She was calling me out. Either stop complaining or get out.

I thought about it and realised that when we hit our fifties, time ahead is less than time behind. I imagined the same life I was living, maybe a bit worse, with my partner. I pictured the years of unhappiness stretching ahead. I knew that I had to get out.

It was my moment of truth. It wasn't easy. There were financial concerns, property, children, the whole mess of baggage that we accumulate in life. A lot of people my age are unhappy in their marriages, at least that is what they tell me. They stay because of inertia. And maybe because there are still good times mixed with the bad. Finances are a big one. I was luckier than most because my ex was the original lazy husband. He refused to pay the bills or be involved in the inconsequential day-to-day money matters. I knew how to do it because I had been forced to for 30 years.

If you are considering leaving, you need more than a little money squirreled away. You need to consult with an accountant, with a lawyer, find out your legal rights. You might need to get some retraining or take a job, if you don't have one. Maybe start living your life as if you are single and capable of looking after your own affairs without his help. Try on independence like you try on a new dress. See if it fits and if it feels comfortable.

The transition is hard, but in my case, it was the right decision.

Your mother is a wise woman indeed.

I took my mother to NYC on Saturday and shared what I'm going through. She downplayed it all and said "at least he's not beating you up." She wants me to stay because she's older now and thinks her children are better off married than not.

I work a 14 hour day that includes a 4 1/2 hr. commute. My H and I have always led separate lives, including financially. I have excellent credit, make decent money, file separate taxes, no joint accounts. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I guess I'm afraid of being a "2 time loser." I also was very foolish and invested my assets from my 1st marriage into this one, and therefore have no retirement savings, no emergency savings. The house is mortgaged to the hilt due to my H's using the equity as a bank account without my knowledge. I've never rented an apartment and am afraid to do so. I want a home of my own, even if it's a 2 x 4 ft. condo. I'm afraid that if I rent an apartment, I'll never be able to save enough for a home. I wanted my home to be paid for by the time I'm 65, but, well, I don't think that this is a realistic goal at this point.

I'm going to see a counselor next week to try and sort things out. I divorced my 1st husband when I was 28 and had two little boys. Now they're grown, I'm 54, and financial fears are holding me back. I'm not proud to admit this because I've always considered myself independent and self-reliant.

My mother says: "He pays all the bills! What I would give for that right now!" (She's been divorced for over 30 years and struggled as a waitress to make a good life for herself. Now her condo is paid for, she finally retired, and is quite comfortable. She's old school who believes that, unless he's beating you up, you stay and make the best of your lot in life. I think otherwise but am afraid to jump.

Thanks, Nanday. You really seem to have your head screwed on straight....and I appreciate your reaching out to me tonight as I wallow a bit. One day at a time!....Lola

Hi Lola,

He's narcissistic enough. As Nanday pointed out being a conflict avoider is a bit of an anomoly, they tend to thrive on constant conflict and chaos, but perhaps it's your interpretation of him being a conflict avoider, he may actually be passively and covertly creating the conflict, then avoiding it and leaving you to deal with it. If you can view his conflict issues from a different angle, put a new slant on it with the added insight of him being passive aggressive, perhaps you may be able to reassess his conflict avoidance.

Hi again Lola,

I read a bit further down, and I am sorry to hear of your financial predicament.

I'm 46 and left my narc partner last year, but I have a 5 year old child. I too, would have liked my house paid off by the age of 65 but it ain't gonna happen now. The house which was acquired through my deposit he's still living in and I rent elsewhere. The latest global financial crisis has tanked my managed fund which was linked to shares and I saw the deposit to my own house disappear within a matter of months, if not weeks.

So, hi, ho, hi, ho, it's off to Uni I go, then hi, ho, hi, ho, it's off to work I need to go back to and I now wish for good health and a job I enjoy so that I may work into my '70's. I have a young child's future to consider too, while the ex just continues to live beyond his means and squander his money.

So, you're not alone. I just had to re-align my future....make one that fitted me as a single working mother - eventually.