Inappropriate with sexual details

I'm new to NPD, just got out of a relationship. He has all the signs: grandiose, talk of ideal love, sense of entitlement, envy, etc. Also dropped me like a ton of bricks when I pointed out that I didn't want to feel like I was always paying for him. He then proceeded to cheat on me for amonth before I finally broke up with him ( but didn't learn about the cheating until after)....new supply I guess.

I am remembering some disturbing details and just wanted to get some opinions.
I was told about 2 months in that my N had been a camp counselor and had slept with one of the girls who was only 16 when he was 25. He said she was in a sad place and he wanted to make her feel better, but that she had come on to him and one thing lead to another. He really hurt her because he cut all ties after. She stalked him after, made a fake myspace page about him and labelled him as a narcissist. Why did he share this with me? Was he bragging, or confiding? Was he hinting that there was something wrong with him?

Also, my N told me that when he was 8 years old his hippie mom ( who raised him alone) took him with her to the commune GYNO and had him sit next to the doctor while she got her pelvic exam. He looked inside her privates! Is that covert incest? He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with that.

Also he shared sexually initmate details about me with his mom whom he talks to every day, and she responds with whether or not the same intimate practices work on her!

He has a strange relationship with her...they interact more as boyfriend and girlfriend than mother son. He calls her by her first name and she never calls him son. When they hugged, I had to look away, they would stare deep in to each others eyes for 5 seconds or more. Creepy.
Same look he would give me, and he also compared me to her a lot.
He speaks fondly of her, but I don't know how he can considering she gave him up when he was 12 to her sister to raise so she could pursue her academics, though she never had a career. She is on welfare and always has been.

Please, any thoughts? Is he definitely N?

Dont know, too little details, but from what I understand arent Narc children often bred from situations such as this?

Well anyway, isnt it enough to know that he is obviously messed up, in a asshole kind of way, thats to say, not a awwww youre so messed up I feel so sorry for you, sort of way?

He sounds bad news that's for sure.

From what you've written, I'd guess that the story about the girl and him on the camp is embellished and exaggerated. You already recognise that there wasn't really any point in telling you , other than making you feel uncomfortable. You should report him actually. Plus it's unlikely that she stalked him, he's probably embellished this part a whole lot. Statistically, it's men who stalk, so it may have been the other way around. My ex-NPD partner told me he had to take a restraining order out on his ex. Years later I came across some emails he'd kept from her and in one of them she'd written something about it being a waste of time taking out the RO, in fact, she said, it would have been more appropriate to take one out on him, and could he please stop contacting her!

His relationships sounds dysfunctional, and since it makes you feel uncomfortable, then go with your gut instincts. It is possible that things he says may have happened, but happening in a Doctors surgery sounds strange. I wonder if it's happened but he's embellished the Doctors surgery due to making it more acceptable to him, as he'd have trouble coming to the reality that his mother may have abused him. He may learn this later, when he's much older, then again, he may not.

Anyway, you say he's your ex, so don't worry about it. Other than reporting him anonymously, dont' waste too many brain cells on him.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

shivers wrote:He sounds bad news that's for sure.

From what you've written, I'd guess that the story about the girl and him on the camp is embellished and exaggerated. You already recognise that there wasn't really any point in telling you , other than making you feel uncomfortable. You should report him actually. Plus it's unlikely that she stalked him, he's probably embellished this part a whole lot. Statistically, it's men who stalk, so it may have been the other way around. My ex-NPD partner told me he had to take a restraining order out on his ex. Years later I came across some emails he'd kept from her and in one of them she'd written something about it being a waste of time taking out the RO, in fact, she said, it would have been more appropriate to take one out on him, and could he please stop contacting her!

From what you've said, it sounds like strong narcissistic traits at the very least, and as Shivers said, bad news.

Shivers, what you said about the accusations of stalking, etc. really ring true with my experiences. After my ex moved out, my sons became irritated with me because they said that their father had told them that I kept calling him and wouldn't leave him alone. He used this as an excuse to not give them any contact details other than an email address. He gave them one example in particular that I remember as being a lie - he said I had called him really early one morning and woken him up. The truth was that I called at 8:30. He had always been an early riser and it didn't seem like an unreasonable time. I only ever called him about issues relating to our separation, or our children, yet he managed to turn it around into veiled accusations of stalking.

So I stopped calling and only emailed him when necessary. I don't know whether narcs do this to get attention, or as a form of transferral in order to make themselves appear victimised, or perhaps both.

One of my ex's strongest narc traits is his desire to always appear victimised. Whatever happens in his life gets twisted in his mind into yet another example of how he is just a nice guy trying to do the right things in life, and people keep taking advantage of him. Fortunately most people see through this eventually, and even my sons are now able to see his behaviour in an objective fashion.

Asuka wrote:Is this victimisation tactic common with Narcs? Do you think they compartmentalise and actually believe they are the victim or are they completely consciouss of the manipulation? I would be very interested in peoples opionions on this.

I can only speak from my own observations, but I am convinced that my ex believes he is always the victim. Many times I tried to discuss this lack of objectivity with him but he could never step outside of his tunnel view of events and see things from another point of view.

It all comes down to lack of empathy. He was incapable of walking in another's shoes. If someone was rude to him at work, for instance, he immediately went into victim mode, even though I would point out that there was likely some underlying reason (perhaps not even related to work) that caused the person to be rude.

I believe that is the way my husband feels all of the time. I think that if he cared about anything but himself, he would probably see that sometimes he is the one in the wrong, but the only thing he ever cares about is how anything affects him, so therefore, he is always the victim. For example, we have argued this point many times, and he will never see it any differently. The first time I left my husband, that day he knocked our 3 month old son off the couch by attacking me for a tape recorder that I had, then grabbed me in a choke hold in front of my older son, I called the cops, packed up my kids and the car, and ran to my moms in Loiusiana, and he didn't see the baby for 6 weeks til we made it to court. Ever since, I have heard about nothing but how wrong I was to not let him see his son for 6 weeks. I have tried to get him to see, what else should I have done? He had ran off with the baby before, plus was being physically violent. Most normal people would see their fault in it, and realize that not seeing his son was a natural consequence to his actions. Since he cannot see past his own nose, he only sees how it affects him. Mabye it is simply their lack of apathy that makes it impossible to accept responsibilty for their wrong doing. Mabye they can see that technically what they did was wrong, but just really don't care that they wronged anyone else, the only thing they care about is being wronged themselves.

Before someone realizes that there is a particular 'disorder' in their partner/relative/friend, it can seem frustratingly unreal that the (NPD) other is really so incapable of understanding our point of view, how we feel, etc.

This causes the partner.. (victim?) of the NPD to persist in explaining, in looking for an 'in', trying to get some comprehension, to make things as they were before..
This frustrated behavior, continued attempt at communication to make things right, can, in fact, become something like a crazy-insistence ..and may even resemble a type of 'stalking'. (I speak from experience). It takes a while for the realization to sink in, and to 'let go'.

As for the incest question, Alexander Lowan talks a lot about 'covert' incest as it contributes to the development of NPD...

mindful wrote:Before someone realizes that there is a particular 'disorder' in their partner/relative/friend, it can seem frustratingly unreal that the (NPD) other is really so incapable of understanding our point of view, how we feel, etc.

This causes the partner.. (victim?) of the NPD to persist in explaining, in looking for an 'in', trying to get some comprehension, to make things as they were before..
This frustrated behavior, continued attempt at communication to make things right, can, in fact, become something like a crazy-insistence ..and may even resemble a type of 'stalking'. (I speak from experience). It takes a while for the realization to sink in, and to 'let go'.

As for the incest question, Alexander Lowan talks a lot about 'covert' incest as it contributes to the development of NPD...

So true about needing to try to get some comprehension...I have pursued NO CONTACT because I know the less I see or hear from him the better it is for me, but I still have scenarios in my mind where i want to confront him for having lied to me on so many occasions, and for cheating, and also to hold a mirror up to him and show him how dysfunctional he is.
It's the honeymoon phase that was so GOOD, and I was lucky, I set a lot of boundaries with him and called him on his odd behaviours and as a result he broke up with me because I wasn't feeding his ego/ giving him the supply he so desperately needs...however as a sane person you try to make sense of insanity and it becomes all consuming. I can't WAIT to let go, I have good days then really bad days, and I just want to feel better. I want to not think about hurting him. My life ultimately is unchanged for him having been in it, nothing but my heart was damaged, I didn't move in, or do anything life altering, thank goodness. So why is it making me so crazy? Ahhhh~!~

Cally,

It took me a few years to get over my HPD/NPD.....
Then after many years I found myself looking for an
explanation......and began to feel the pain again........

You wrote..I can't wait to get over it...........

A few things I've started doing have really helped..........

1. I've written a journal , I add to it almost daily. It explains
to me what why and when.........

2. I've quit calling her an EX wife..........

I call her my Ex HPD/NPD or my Heartless HPD........

no more terms of "endearment".

3. Your heart remembers the early times...when he made
you feel loved.............

Don't give much time to those thoughts........

When they come force yourself down a quick list of bad
things he did....or ......in the good memory add some info
you didn't have at the time.........like them thinking ..."Ive
got this sucker now"..........


4. Read, write, and make mental lists of why he was a waste of time.........and why you're better off without him..........

5. Learn to love, trust, and respect yourself!!!

6. Cally, sometimes you could even make up little songs.........like I'm so happy, I don't want him, he's a liar, and a cheat, ................etc etc..........

Thank you Wisernow. Matter of fact I was just adding to my journal when I decided to check this blog...writing down the doubts I had, the warning signs I ignored, and ultimately the really horrible cheating.
I don't want to be jaded from this jerk. He masquerades as such a great person, when really, he is so, so sick. It takes so much not to just email all his friends and let them know the real story, who he REALLY is, but in time I think they will figure it out. I know his roommate has.

Thanksa again for your advice.