feel terrible..

As I mentioned I am about 1 month out of a relationship with a N. I feel so emotionally torn hence why I've found this sight to vent it out I guess.
I feel angry, cheated, used, deceived, betrayed and yet I also fell stupid, alarmed and guilty at myself for being so blind. I'm starting to look back through it now I see all kind of warning signs I chose to ignore, like all his ex's are apparent nutters, his best friend disowned him. I can think of examples of minor grumblings at the start of the relationship that i chose to ignore because I stood my ground and they passed and the good times...oh the good times well they were magical, they're good at that and they far outweighed the bad.
From my experience, they find something like an insecurity or anxiety in yourself and make you feel like they're the only in the world who understands you but it's ok because they're just the same, noone ever understood him like i do we must be soulmates.
How naive am I? I wanted the fairytale as much as him, I wanted to believe him, I chose to believe it was true and now I feel sickened to the core at my vunerability and stupidity.

Melodie, as you see, many of the posters here have been through similar experiences, and as Nandy has posted somewhere else today, it's precisely through comparing these experiences that we come to terms with what we've been through. With seeing those N characteristics as patterns.

I have compassion for the combination of indignation and self-judgement that you're feeling. It's normal, but try not to let it consume you. Be kind to yourself - we were all snowed. The important thing is that you're out, you're learning, you're talking. Keep doing so as long as it helps, and concentrate on the healthy things and relationships in your life, to shift your balance.

Hug.

Hi melodie, I'm 3 months out of a 5 year relationship with a diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disordered bloke.

I went through the hurt, betrayal, anger and disappointment about 2 years ago, so I know how you feel.

I planned my escape with our 4 year old daughter and I've worked hard on releasing all those negative feelings and putting the emotional energy into my own healing and getting on with my life.

I'm in my mid 40's and because of him have had to start all over again. Not only was he emotionally and (near the end) physically abusive he was financially abusive too, and I've lost a lot.

The best advice I can give you is to work through your negative feelings, become a happy person again, your son deserves you to be a happy and attentive mother. Do your best to see the positives your life now has, and put the negatives behind you as soon as you can. YOur healing is important, so look after yourself. Don't beat yourself up too much, remember the Narcs are excellent manipulators and con-men.

Oh, I went to a Domestic Violence support group for 13 weeks and it was wonderful! It was the best way to help me deal with my situation and speak with others who experienced the same thing.

Even if he didn't hit you or physically threaten you, emotional and psychological abuse is still abuse. If you can find a sympathetic group or counsellor to help you through, they'll be worth their weight in gold.

Take care

Melodie255 wrote:I feel angry, cheated, used, deceived, betrayed and yet I also fell stupid, alarmed and guilty at myself for being so blind.

You were all of those things and its going to hurt for a while. I'm 16 months out and it still hurts ... but that's partly related to the game playing that is still going.

I'm starting to look back through it now I see all kind of warning signs I chose to ignore, like all his ex's are apparent nutters, his best friend disowned him after leaving his wife with a 1 year old child, but there was never a love interest between the friend and his now ex wife. I can think of examples of minor grumblings at the start of the relationship that i chose to ignore because I stood my ground and they passed and the good times...oh the good times well they were magical, they're good at that and they far outweighed the bad.

Welcome to the "Club". Like I said in the other post there is a kind of naivete or trsting that brought this about, and that is not a bad thing. It's a good thing to try not to beat ourself up about this as it goes nowhere.

From my experience, they find something like an insecurity or anxiety in yourself and make you feel like they're the only in the world who understands you but it's ok because they're just the same, noone ever understood him like i do we must be soulmates.
How naive am I? I wanted the fairytale as much as him, I wanted to believe him, I chose to believe it was true and now I feel sickened to the core at my vunerability and stupidity.

We all wanted it. We got sucked in. Me for 10 years. Some for 25 years. I find it corny and cliched but I count my blessings anyway. Even then the hurt and anger can still come back. All I can offer is be patient with yourself. Almost like you are feeling all the the right feelings as part of moving on.

I'm not sure if anyone has posted this for you but the golden rule (when I first started reading this board) for dealing with an ex- NPD partner is called NC which is No Contact. Once you have retrieved your furniture etc, and you might want to get your family to do that, then go NC. Break this rule at your peril. Any contact just brings about all the stuff you have talked about in your last paragraph. There's probably a few posts over the last year that talk about breaking NC and how the ex- started playing with their head again.

I've witnessed many, many relationships between good people and Narcs developing, and I hope you know, that you weren't being naive, you weren't being stupid, you were being fooled.

The person scheming, planning, manipulating always has the upper hand, because no one expects to be ambushed, taken by surprise. It's illogical to be paranoid and suspicious of every little intention of someone else, not only illogical but inconvenient. Only N's think that way, I think you're still getting past the stain this jerk left on you. (though I have zero relationship experience and I'm really just talking out my ass)

When narcs get thrown into the mix, it's like all the rules got flipped upsidown. You can never know what to expect, you now tread on a minefield of ulterior motive.

I think you feel cheated, decieved, and fooled because you were cheated, decieved and fooled. You can blame yourself for that, but it seems silly to me, it's obvious, that an outside force entered into your life and controlled you from within. A bad person happened to you, that doesn't make you bad.

The criminal consipirator is always going to have the upper hand: because an honest decent human being would never even consider evil deeds that bad people plan. I don't think there's any way of preventing that; the only thing you can do is carry on forward with resolve and knowing that it's time to start making things right again. =( Good luck, if such a thing be.

Apparently there are five stages that someone leaving a relationship goes through. But I beleve these apply to someone leaving a non-narc.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I think the stages are different when you end it with a narc. For me they were

Happiness/Relief
Anger - anger at him and also directed at myself
Guilt - how could I have been so stupid? Why did I let him harm me and my children emotionally?
Depression
Acceptance - this is the big one and you can't get here with the NC rule which has been mentioned. Any contact will drag you back through to the stages Anger-Guilt-Depression

Hi Melodie

I can relate totally to your post. I am now four months out of a relationship with a female who I suspect has NPD but hasn't been diagnosed.

I went through the range of emotions you mention - anger and feeling cheated, deceived and betrayed. Feeling used was the overwhelming feeling.

Like you, I felt stupid for not listening to my gut instincts earlier in the relationship. But I'd had no previous experience of narissism to guide me.

But when I found sites like this one, it was a sense of relief to be honest. I suddenly felt it wasn't all my fault. But I do remember having a sick feeling in my stomach as I read through narcissistic traits and mentally ticked off her characteristics against them. It was an 'Oh my God' moment.

My ex would forever tell me about how I wasn't doing enough for her. I realise now, whatever I did would never have been enough. I would always have been blamed for something. Her craving for male attention wouldn't have abated, her lack of empathy wouldn't have magically diminished, and her sense of entitlement and superiority wouldn't have lessened.

Finding out about narcissism has helped my recovery enormously. People on various forums have vaildated my feelings which has really helped.

I hope you are well on the road to recovery and you're are feeling better day by day. Not long after my ex left me, I felt awful. I'd never felt so low. I rang a friend to try and explain. He told me I was in the worst of it but that each day from then on would be a bit better than the previous one.

He was right, and I'm feeling better all the time.

I hope you do, too.

Nick,
Ive nicked your quote, hope you dont mind:

You can never know what to expect, you now tread on a minefield of ulterior motive.

such a good way of describing it, i'll keep the quote and quote it when I need to, any charge???