idolize or accept reality?

Philonoe wrote:Thank you for your comment, Akuma.

I think that sometimes - say for instance with a parent - idealisation can put some pressure on oneself.
I remember having read a book where the author perceived sort of relief, learning that the (distant) parent wasn't the perfect person he imagined.

I think - I guess PolarBear has covered that pretty well - when you are idolizing to a degree that you feel compelled to reach the lofty heights you put somebody to, but you cant reach it, then that can be very unhealthy. im not sure if you are feeling that, though, from what you write.
On a more narcissistic level, when there is subject-object diffusion there can be other reasons for pressure, but honestly, sometimes its enough to feel into yourself and to check what feels good for you. So if you think you want to keep that positive bubble and if you dont see any negative side-effects, then keep it. Especially if you cant change the people, then accepting them as they are might be one solution, but if you need them inside of you as good, then by all means, keep them that way.
The only danger I see with this approach is that one might become accustomed to this, drawing everything in a way one likes adn possibly loosing track of whats real. But you gotta decide for yourself if you are prone to that and if youre not and this is an exception for you that helps you with your stability, I dont think theres anything wrong with it.

1PolarBear wrote:Reality always win, and whatever quiet you think you may get from idealizing, not only it will be confronted by reality, but you will use it to abuse people and be abused in that same way.

So if I understand well, you think it's better not to idolize and accept to be confronted with reality.

Akuma wrote:Especially if you cant change the people, then accepting them as they are might be one solution, but if you need them inside of you as good, then by all means, keep them that way.
The only danger I see with this approach is that one might become accustomed to this, drawing everything in a way one likes adn possibly loosing track of whats real. But you gotta decide for yourself if you are prone to that and if youre not and this is an exception for you that helps you with your stability, I dont think theres anything wrong with it.

Yes I think I need them inside as good.

I can't change them.

I've been thinking of it. I was confronted with bad memories - or say : bad memories of other people. It's not my choice. I wasn't looking for understanding or informations about the past.
I think I really need some positive link with them, inside myself.

Philonoe wrote:

1PolarBear wrote:Reality always win, and whatever quiet you think you may get from idealizing, not only it will be confronted by reality, but you will use it to abuse people and be abused in that same way.

So if I understand well, you think it's better not to idolize and accept to be confronted with reality.

There is a distinction between "idealization" and "idolatry".
The first is a bit normal to some degree, especially if you don't know the people.
Normally, as you know them if you ever do, then it should leave place to realism.
I think it is what you meant. And yes, you have to adjust your ideas to reality, otherwise it is delusion.
It's also black and white thinking if not corrected, which causes it's own issues.
Nobody is perfectly good or bad, so already, it is problematic to think this way for people you know.

Idolatry is when you actually cultivate that idealization, and it's a step up in badness if it goes against reality. It's not about being "confronted", it should be the starting point. Mistakes don't confront, they are part of any learning process, otherwise you already know everything, so there is no learning.

I think it might be idealisation instead of idolatry.

Yes, nobody is perfectly good or bad. I think i need to remember the good that i received from that person.

So someone wanted to see me to talk about that person that supposedly I idealise.

I didn't answer. They insisted. I said no (politely). Then they said that they had gathered terrible things about the person. I said goodbye (politely).

The person is dead. So why do they need so much to break its image in my mind.