Am I a Narcissist? Aspergers

This is really mortifying for me to admit to these feelings, so please go easy on me. I really hope that nobody I know comes across this thread.

I need to say that I have a diagnosis of Aspergers and struggle with expectations in society, my expectations, body language and people’s intentions. I don’t have any friends and am often seen as being stuck up and aloof.

For the last year I have secretly wondered if I am a narcissist due to some of my behaviours but also behaviours in myself that I see in my father who I think might be one. Though I honestly think he is much, much worse than myself.

I have to firstly say that I don’t see myself as being a manipulative individual or someone who tries to upset others. I don’t gaslight people. I don’t ignore them. My father does this constantly and it greatly lowers my confidence. So I know how this feels and would never intentionally do this.

However, there are some aspects of narcissism that I wonder about and see in myself:

- I want to be admired or feel special. I have always felt this way and don’t like being in the room when other people are getting attention and I am ignored. For ex, as a child I would get jealous and resent my baby newphew when my relatives would fawn over him.
- I get jealous of everyone and everything very easily.
- I am extremely insecure and feel inferior to everyone and everything. Not to the extent that I am an eggshell, more just that I feel everyone’s life is better than mines.
- I lack self confidence.
- I want to be admired but I do not like attention. I don’t understand why this is and I am confused by it myself!
- People always perceive me to be stuck up.
- I find it very, very hard to emphasise with certain things and others issues. I can’t understand their issues or how they would be a difficulty.
- I have deep fantasies of becoming wealthy and living a well off lifestyle. I fantasise often. I think in a way this helps with depression. I do not fantasise about power. I know that fantasising often is a trait of Narcissism.
- I am extremely defensive and cannot really handle criticism at all. Criticism to me feels like an attack where someone is running you down.
- I am not keen being second best or not performing to a high standard in every field. (I know this sounds childish but it is the reality)

These are feelings that I feel on a daily basis. I know they’re inappropriate because I don’t want to admit them.

I feel ashamed to have these feelings but in a way I feel it’s just me and I don’t have any control over the feelings. I think my Aspergers contributes to this in some way.

I do not know if I am a narcissist or a heavily damaged person. I often wonder why I have turned out this way.

I would like to be able to improve. I want to be able to live my life, feeling secure in myself and not feeling inferior to everyone. I also want to rid myself of these emotions.

I am now a grown man in his 20’s, I don’t need to and shouldn’t feel the need to be admired by others to feel confident and loved. I shouldn’t be feeling jealous of everyone or everything.

Yet I have this constant worry of blending in and being an average person who does not achieve anything special in his life.

Yet here we are. And I don’t really know what to do about this? Are my emotions abnormal? Am I a narcissist?

Well narcissism has a lot of different meanings, usually boiling down to some pathology in how people see themselves or how they regulate their self-esteem. "Narcissistic disorder" can mean any personality disorder and a "narcissistic personality disorder" is again a different thing, and can be described either by consulting the DSM, or by looking at psychodynamic explanations for example by Otto Kernberg or other authors, and describes very specific structural changes based on early experiences, and is again subclassed...
So- aside from the forum rule not to diagnose people - that always complicates the situation. Normally you would go to a [psychodynamic / psychoanalytic] therapist for a few probatoric sessions and there you would get a diagnostic estimation, most likely from the perspective of their school of psychology. He also would then be able to give you options and directions as to which treatments might be available and how much sense they make for you. In that context he will probably also give you an approximation of the prognosis of such treatment in your specific case, based on said diagnosis, some quick structural / neurotic assessment he has made in the talsk with you and stuff like how psychology-minded you are, your motivation and other things.

That being said - without evaluating any diagnosis here - a lot of what you list seems reactive to me; specifically reactive to someone who didnt have enough opportunity to learn interacting with others and regulating his self-image in relation to others in a more healthy way, perhaps. Ive also heard from someone else that theres a range of behaviors and stuff that can be similar in ASD compared to some other mental disorders including pathologies in narcissism, so there again, a differential by a professional seems the best choice.

Last but not least, surprisingly many people seem to somehow link manipulativeness with narcissism, which isnt the case. Manipulativeness / Conning etc. are aspects of antisocial disorders. While there is the "interpersonal exploitative" point in the DSM for NPD, that has more to do with an unconscious using of others or taking stuff for granted, compared to an actual goal-oriented scheming to exploit them as seen on the ASPD spectrum.

Hope that gives some pointers.

Psche wrote:I do not know if I am a narcissist or a heavily damaged person. I often wonder why I have turned out this way.

It sounds like there is a dark presence that loomed over your childhood? Do you think you may have some self-care repair to do in that regard?

For the last year I have secretly wondered if I am a narcissist due to some of my behaviours but also behaviours in myself that I see in my father who I think might be one. Though I honestly think he is much, much worse than myself.

I have to firstly say that I don’t see myself as being a manipulative individual or someone who tries to upset others. I don’t gaslight people. I don’t ignore them. My father does this constantly and it greatly lowers my confidence. So I know how this feels and would never intentionally do this.

Just so that you know, in case you are indeed struggling with narcissistic issues, most people with NPD would not readily see themselves as manipulative. This forum's history is filled with posts from people who admit to manipulative behaviors without realizing it, then go on the next sentence justifying how they are victims of circumstance or others. It's a classic.

People with ASPD, in contrast, aren't as focused on how people perceive them, so they are naturally more forward about being manipulative. But NPD, being an image-based disorder, is always escorted by a strong need to rewrite the narrative, both in the eyes of the world and one's own eyes primordially. Which in itself constitutes manipulative behaviors, but likely to fly under one's own radar. On other Cluster B forums, you might come across a lot of disbelief as well, but this is unique to NPD: the undercurrent tinge of desperation to appear a certain way (good, wise, poised etc.), to a point of redefining the disorder if needs be.