by DaturaInnoxia » Thu May 21, 2020 5:54 am
We're herd animals, so it's relatively ingrained within us to dislike the experience of rejection because "back in the day" if we were cast out of our tribes, we'd die quite quickly. Both shame and sadness would have made us willing to conform.
Some people consciously practice rejection (and shaming) to try to get people to conform, and it often works (at least in our early years or struggling times) specifically for that reason.
Also, it can be offensive if one is not included in something on purpose because it's relational-aggression.
There are lots of reasons for "relational-aggression" - including to reduce competition (sexual viability or attention in general, etc.).
In which case, you'd need to learn to conform well enough to not be seen as a threat (and you may never be able to do that) or you'd have to accept that's what you'll get with that person and seek the type of interactions you want elsewhere.
If there are ways in your thinking and acting that play a part in the exclusion, then it's worth addressing that if it's something important to you (while keeping in mind that being left out / rejected doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong).
For me, being rejected due to be relational agression (being competition, asshole-ism, etc.) could lead to anger or disgust.
If done respectfully because I was unwanted, it would lead to sadness. Shame usually results from people thinking it's them rather than the interactions not being a good fit.
Also, with exceptions obviously, my dysfunctional answer to most interpersonal issues that matter to me (or my energy levels) is to distance myself even further - even when it comes to experiencing rejection from others.