Humiliation question

by **Manners73** » Thu May 14, 2020 4:08 pm

DaturaInnoxia wrote:It's not my business if people feel it's worth addressing things or not; my only concern is that if you ever place yourself in a position where you were to be vulnerable with a therapist, that you make sure they're not triggered by you or your behaviors (no idea if I'm repeating myself)

Part of the ethics that a therapist is taught, is that they need to refer clients elsewhere if they find the person triggering because it can take away their objectivity and possibly cause them to take their issues out on the person they're working with - and no one should have to experience that.

It ends up being counter-productive or even damaging.
Sometimes their pride stops them from doing the ethical thing of referring you to someone else, whilst others aren't aware it's happening - and some, I guess, are straight ###$ up and think they're God.

A few years ago I had one who was deeply triggered by me.
It was like he was talking through me to someone else and putting words in my mouth that were not only degrading but literally the opposite of what I was saying.
If I'd believed what he was saying, it would have been relatively injurious to my cause.
It escalated to the point that I could have gotten him fired if I'd brought in a complaint (and provided people would have believed me).
When he took things too far, he asked me what I'd like; I requested that he transfer me to someone else to which he did immediately... and i lived happily ever after because I got a therapist who can be intellectual rather than feelings-based and tell me about different research and allows me to ask questions like I'm in a psychology class - and give me actual things to do / "assignments" that I can apply to my life, rather than just talking about my feelings or what has happened the whole time - or having feedback go in one ear and out the other (everyone has different needs)

I was actually conscious that this may be the case when I was talking to her. The last thing I want to do is trigger her when I've gone for help. She's such a lovely person as well. I don't want to scare her off.

This is because you are having two conversations.

Everyone judges and responds to other people based on their own theory of mind, meaning that you can only understand something from your own perspective.

Usually, this isn't an issue, as most people's perspective on certain things are the same, and so what works for one would work for another.

The problem with therapy, is that it works best with people who are mentally healthy, as they'll "think" the same way as the therapist. This is why most therapy works on changing behaviour, as behaviour is the only thing that can be discussed objectively.

The problem, of course, is that behaviour is the symptom, not the cause.

by **justonemoreperson** » Fri May 15, 2020 7:16 am

ViniStonemoss wrote:
I'm sure you're not alone feeling that way, but I'll wager most people don't.

I think most people do.

Gossip is a low-level version of this, where people love to hear news of what their friends and relatives are doing. Someone's having an affair, someone's sick, someone's just lost their job...it's all gossip that their friends like talking about, because it artificially raises their own level of success.

Everyone is in competition with everyone else. It's instinctive in all of us, and glorifying in someone else's misery is part of that, which is why people need to be taught to be 'nice'; it doesn't come naturally.

by **ViniStonemoss** » Fri May 15, 2020 7:22 am

justonemoreperson wrote:Everyone judges and responds to other people based on their own theory of mind, meaning that you can only understand something from your own perspective.

I think it's more a matter of denial vs awareness. When in denial, one finds the world of healthy people strange, when healthy, you may find people in denial unfathomable.

To a lesser degree, I carry that dichotomy within myself, my older self would not approve of me now, and I am in disbelief of some of my past behaviors.

it's all gossip that their friends like talking about, because it artificially raises their own level of success

.

Do you never wish somebody well yourself?

by **justonemoreperson** » Fri May 15, 2020 7:28 am

ViniStonemoss wrote:Do you never wish somebody well yourself?

No, not really. Not out of maliciousness, I just don't care enough about other people unless it affects me. That said, I want my kids to do well, as they belong to me. I'll help friends if they need it, but mostly as it makes me look good and gives me leverage.

I think most people are like this.

by **ViniStonemoss** » Fri May 15, 2020 5:41 pm

justonemoreperson wrote:I think most people are like this.

Well it's obvious to me there is much goodwill in the world, in disordered and non-disordered people alike.

How do you know it's not rationalization? That you pick and select the few examples validating your views?

by **justonemoreperson** » Sat May 16, 2020 5:32 am

ViniStonemoss wrote:
justonemoreperson wrote:I think most people are like this.

Well it's obvious to me there is much goodwill in the world, in disordered and non-disordered people alike.

People's goodwill is self-serving, with very few exceptions. At best, it's an attempt at inspiring reciprocation.

How do you know it's not rationalization? That you pick and select the few examples validating your views?

I don't, and neither do you.

by **ViniStonemoss** » Sat May 16, 2020 6:40 am

justonemoreperson wrote:I don't, and neither do you.

If we can't know ourselves and we can't know others, how do we know for certain that people's good will is self-serving?

by **justonemoreperson** » Sat May 16, 2020 7:12 am

ViniStonemoss wrote:
justonemoreperson wrote:I don't, and neither do you.

If we can't know ourselves and we can't know others, how do we know for certain that people's good will is self-serving?

You just have to watch when and how people respond to events to see it. People identify with events that affect them. If good will wasn't self-serving, then people wouldn't need to be triggered to show it.

For example - we all know that people are dying from disease and water shortages in Africa. We've been taught it, and know that it's a constant issue.

However, we also know that people only donate when it's waved in their face. Sad pictures of skinny kids with flies on their faces and quivering lips. It creates in people an emotional reaction in themselves, which triggers behaviour that makes them feel better.

People who like dogs fight for animal charities, people with heart disease run marathons for heart charities. No one sits back, works out what issues deserve the most support, and fight for them. People need it to have affected them or a family member or friend before they feel motivated to do something.

Helping other people makes people feel better themselves; it's a basic reward system that we've been conditioned to respond to since we're children - eat your vegetables and you can have cake - so good behaviour releases endorphins and creates a better image of ourselves in others.

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