Aggression

So what, if anything has helped you hone yours in? Also looking at anxiety/stress, which are modulated somewhat by some of the same pathways. General discomfort and dissatisfaction feeding into that loop.

I quite obviously have problems with keeping at a task (get restless quickly and need variation often). Obv this ADHD aspect will probably be a part of my personality for keeps but just hoping that could offset it somehow. My ASPD traits have been giving me (but more-so others around me) trouble for quite a while now so am really thinking if there is a good solution here chemical wise (have tried to postpone a visit to the psychiatrist for long now but am thinking I can´t put it off forever). Mainly this is due to my aversion to psychiatric drugs and their side-effects (*tips hat towards AProphet*).

It was a little more than a year ago that I tried taking 5-HPT along with correlating doses of L-dopa and L-Tyrosine (these agonists have to be taken together in order to not deplete receptors inequeally) but at times I really sensed that I got more boldened, which is why I don´t want to get on antidepressants (in fear that it will enhance grandiosity and make me even more obtuse toward others)

Found the information provided here in this following video to be quite enlightening. It´s quite a long watch but goes in depth about psychopharmacology
https://youtu.be/bNW2N4XWWzc

There´s also research that shows dopamine to promote paranoia in individuals prone to it (can confirm). Definitely need to eliminate caffeine intake and no alcohol also.


I´m already microdosing psilocybin according to the Stamets protocol 5 days on (2 off) along with Lion´s mane for more neurogenetic benefits and feel that it has helped me somewhat, at least as far as aggression goes. Of course it does not change my underlying belief system or the emotions that feed them, which are very twisted and skewed (and psilocybin at times puts me right in touch with them, i.e by relinquishing some control) but am doing damage control more than anything. It´s been a month or so now I think and am going for another two months at least.

I´ve felt for long now that am going to snap and been unmasking near random people (unintentionally) because under huge amounts of stress I tend to get dissociative.

Before anyone suggests, meditation I have yet to gotten back into but somewhat considering. It is said that it´s not good to meditate when your brain is in a depressed state anyway, as it only sets these pathways stronger into your brain, so really my. I don´t feel a sense of serenity/elation often.

Anyhow rambling ceased, what has helped any of you lot?

It's a hard question to answer that.

I actually like being aggressive, so I'll always be aggressive. I just don't speak to the people who like to use it against me.

I dont think I understand the question. For me aggression and impulse control are two different things, first of all. So being angry and allowing oneself to be angry can be a very healthy thing; or on the flipside it can be extremely unhealthy always bottling everything up. But that doesnt equate fo course to immediately acting on everything.
Since I'm an overly controlled person I should actually become more able to feel anger and also to act on it more. Being angry implies wanting change after all and saying "I am here, I want this differently.", its in itself a totally natural thing and the ability to listen to it is a part of being able to listen to oneself.

Exercise is by far more effective than anything else, whatever is behind the aggression whether it’s mounted in anxiety, it’s energy that needs to be burned off if you are completely physically exhausted you will feel content and relaxed after and peaceful.

I won’t comment on self medicating as I don’t believe in it, anti-Depressants can help ease anxiety and depression but those are sort of just surface symptoms from what I understand when it comes to personality disorders but it can help but from my experience there are a lot of sides, like feeling very emotionally flat which I found hard to deal with but it was pointed out that it’s possible I was just more stabilized and not as dysregulated so take it with a grain of salt.

Akuma wrote:I dont think I understand the question. For me aggression and impulse control are two different things, first of all. So being angry and allowing oneself to be angry can be a very healthy thing; or on the flipside it can be extremely unhealthy always bottling everything up. But that doesnt equate fo course to immediately acting on everything.
Since I'm an overly controlled person I should actually become more able to feel anger and also to act on it more. Being angry implies wanting change after all and saying "I am here, I want this differently.", its in itself a totally natural thing and the ability to listen to it is a part of being able to listen to oneself.

Yeah it was bit of a mixed message. For me these things correspond in the sense that anger is an impulse. I have been losing/breaking a lot of stuff lately and that has to do with impulsivity. If I just took it easy and didn´t want everything so immediately, I might be less quick to anger (when things don´t go my way at that very moment). This is absolutely an ASPD trait. Couldn´t find my keys to leave the house this morning (which made me more late) and just got irate (I even considered the option that my dad had hidden them, as per that recent thread and got legit paranoid that he might do that at one point:mrgreen:

Basically, my question was posed more as it pertained to agression at work. The preferred term overimpulsivity might be pathology perhaps. Since I am what the literature would suggest ´supply deficient´ and pursuing some new avenues to feel somewhat fulfilled (work related, I take great second-hand pride in the company I am at - special by association), but in general I am constantly attention starved. For a long while when I was doing my other menial job (which I abhor oft because it´s in service and I deem myself above it.), my mask would often slip because I felt a constant need to be the perfect service guy, e.g. put on a fake smile for the client. Nowadays the job I am at leaves me more time by myself (alongside others) and brings the necessity of interacting with coworkers (whom I try to generally avoid as much as possible).

So basically I´ve noticed myself giving the mean look to people who I kind of needed to hold my hand a bit or who I wanted to welcome me more into the group (whatever that means). I become aware of some nagging need but it felt inappropriate to expressed it to them because because I am wary of bein just being an entitled jerk. Also generally my body language is probably somewhat agressive/offputting and I´ve already probably made coworkers think I´m somewhat off. I just don´t want them to think I´m an absolute psycho (nearing that level though).



I´ve become such weird mixture personality wise (sadistic/masochistic) but also take offense quickly if anyone else puts me down. I don´t like kindness essentially, not sure if it´s my paranoia or my necessity to not be perturbed in my shell, if anyone asks something about me personally I start squirming, not really wanting to give them the gist of how things really are. An absolute contradiction of sorts - like I want the attention but abhor it if people show genuine concern and interest in me, I scoff them. Especially if they are female coworkers, I hate when I am catered to and put them down without being aware of it in the moment (only after the fact) (It´s this whole inverted narcissism/schizoidish trick: almost showing others that I am so resigned from my needs so much so that I don´t even want them to be addressed or answered to by others].

**random aside**I´ve pinpointed that this dislike of kindness is the deep conditioning of my covert dad whose subtle intrusions (such as to put things in a certain place or do something a certain way) are just ways that he can feel good about himself, not true helpful acts of kindness or concern (Like "oh, if you need this thing for tomorrow, be sure to put it here"), but it is actually a very covert way of making himself feel important in situations that would in normal circumstances not warrant a mention. [He needs to remind me somehow of his agency somehow, like he is allowing me to do something, it is he that enables me to do something that I would otherwise come up with myself anyhow.] So I have grown to detest when someone of a position of authority tries to help or een guide me because my initial reaction (schema) is to take it as a way of them controlling my actions. [yes, it´s ###$]. This also makes me agressive.

Then at other points, with people that have taken a liking to me initially but have kind of shrugged me ´from their circle´ I become obtuse pretty quick into the relationship. Like today I wanted to ask a favour from a coworker and thought long and hard how to approach him, figured the best way would be to assertive to get him to do it but I was too engaged and it was more as like a confrontation because of my body language (like asking him is such an ordeal am already set in fight mode beforehand/expecting him to refuse, but am not aware of it in the moment) to the point where another coworker stepped in (he noticed something was up. And the situation just got awkward. Since I also gain ego strength from putting others down, I have to be very wary about that and I think so highly of myself that I want to boss others around. Especially those that are higher up from me (it´s a subverting authority thing). And in a workplace that stuff can get ugly fast.

Esmoke wrote:Exercise is by far more effective than anything else, whatever is behind the aggression whether it’s mounted in anxiety, it’s energy that needs to be burned off if you are completely physically exhausted you will feel content and relaxed after and peaceful.

I won’t comment on self medicating as I don’t believe in it, anti-Depressants can help ease anxiety and depression but those are sort of just surface symptoms from what I understand when it comes to personality disorders but it can help but from my experience there are a lot of sides, like feeling very emotionally flat which I found hard to deal with but it was pointed out that it’s possible I was just more stabilized and not as dysregulated so take it with a grain of salt.

Definitely can see where that would stem from. I am flat most of the day tbh and I am often concerned that my boredom/lack of care shows too much. At points am somewhat aware that I am dissociated from my feelings and body (I´ll have mind-surges, just racing thoughts, going in circles) but can´t really do anything about it if the work is static and just involves repetitive action a lot.

As for self-medicating, silocybin helps for sure but the correct dosage is vital if I´m around people because it also makes me somewhat less aware at times, like I´ll be enjoying myself a bit too much and I´ll start to drift from (either lose myself in some grandiose fantasy or just be high on my own Self) and lose track of others. I think it is helping, definitely honing in the anger, like putting another filter above of my usual reactions. And I´ve felt somewhat okay with being in harmony with others, being okay with subjecting to their will and not having to always go against the grain.

SelfSerf wrote:Yeah it was bit of a mixed message. For me these things correspond in the sense that anger is an impulse. I have been losing/breaking a lot of stuff lately and that has to do with impulsivity. If I just took it easy and didn´t want everything so immediately, I might be less quick to anger (when things don´t go my way at that very moment). This is absolutely an ASPD trait. Couldn´t find my keys to leave the house this morning (which made me more late) and just got irate (I even considered the option that my dad had hidden them, as per that recent thread and got legit paranoid that he might do that at one point:mrgreen:

I dont think "ASPD traits" are a thing. I've recently had the "pleasure" to be on a project with a real pwASPD. The amount of aggressivity, lack of concern for any other perspective, manipulation, the simple scale of how naturally they use people and the trail of destruction in both projects and other people they leave behind is on a totally different level and every gangster movie or psychological description pales when you experience that first hand. If you realize you have impulse control issues, why do you have the urge to give it some fancy name at all?

So basically I´ve noticed myself giving the mean look to people who I kind of needed to hold my hand a bit or who I wanted to welcome me more into the group (whatever that means). I become aware of some nagging need but it felt inappropriate to expressed it to them because because I am wary of bein just being an entitled jerk. Also generally my body language is probably somewhat agressive/offputting and I´ve already probably made coworkers think I´m somewhat off. I just don´t want them to think I´m an absolute psycho (nearing that level though).

I think youre doing this on the forum, too. At least youre oscillating between being a suicidal hysteric a pseudo-spiritual drug-freak and a horrible "psycho with ASPD traits", which makes it hard to take you seriously - or more healthy people would probably say it makes it hard to get a clear image of you and connect to you. Guess youre ambivalent about that and have trouble tolerating [that] ambivalence.

o basically I´ve noticed myself giving the mean look to people who I kind of needed to hold my hand a bit or who I wanted to welcome me more into the group (whatever that means). I become aware of some nagging need but it felt inappropriate to expressed it to them because because I am wary of bein just being an entitled jerk.

Staying with the same quote and looking at another dimension of it, I really think you should try working on that hysteric self-labelling. Just because you have needs doesnt make you entitled; just like looking our for yourself doesnt make you NPD or breaking stuff when youre angry doesnt make you ASPD. If anything your ambivalence towards needing others might be understandable due to your past experiences and veiling them with useless labels just disconnects you from both the current situation (which might be a wanted side effect of course), but also from putting stuff into places that makes them easier to understand and manage.