Akuma wrote:Being narcissistic/schizoid I always lived in isolation anyways so far. I cant understand why people are having much problems with not being able to go to bars or meet other people - some people have actually becoem much worse psychologically. Maybe thats a difference between narcissistic and more projective disorders... Not happening to me at all;
I might even enjoy tha normals going crazy about something I find totally normal. The only difference for me is having to wait in line, having to buy toilet paper online and being forced to use a shopping-cart at the grocery-store.
I think I'm almost disappointed they're starting to slowly lift quarantine here already 
.
Yup, pretty much. And bold very much.
As Spring is upon us, there´s more people out enjoying themselves in each others´ company more than ever and it´s really pushing my envy and jealousy buttons. The fact that everyone is suffering evened it out for me. Schadenfreude on steroids.
This whole virus thing really ###$ me over in the beginning tbh. I had strong paranoia beforehand already but as the social distancing went beserk I succumbed to the paranoia and it got really immense as a coworker working beside me me felt off one day and went home early. And I also got a cold due to all the anxiety and cumulative work stress along with impossible expectations I put on myself to perform. Then went into heavy isolation which just escalated all my anxiety and depression. Fell for some of the conspiracy
There´s something comforting in self-imposed jail walls but when you are actually not allowed to meet anyone, that felt way worse in the beginning. Like quarantine didn´t really change much for my arrangements but I really retreated into social media, full-blown addiction mode. And the BPD-ness that rears its head every once in a while came out. Now it´s being completely silenced by my rational part now [like, no you can´t see anyone currently anyway so don´t even think about it] It´s like a refusal of self-imposed suffering. Almost feel like this whole thing has veered me even more towards the ASPD spectrum, i.e. like I´ve embraced my ill nature again with all it entails, manipulation and the like.
A guy at my new workplace expressed some fears that the first one´s to get canned due to the economic pressures would be those that don´t look after their hygienie, don´t disinfect and otherwise have little conscientiousness(looking at myself here) He actually expressed my exact fears that I couldn´t pinpoint but I just brushed most of it off as usual, seeing him as the weak one like pfftt don´t get your panties in a twist (full on projection).
I´ve been microdosing for some time now and something´s changed for sure. Like am more accepting of myself in some areas, but then some sense it´s not good thing, like am losing some self-awareness (or pushing all of it it so far to the background) as if am becoming unconscious again. ($#%^´s always lurking in the background though). But life´s easier this way.
Almost got well again but took sick leave from work. After recovering got spotted by someone working another job out in the city anyway and got called out on it and I think a part of me almost wanted it to happen, like was really pushing the envelope. Any attention is necessary for me atm. Basically felt it was justified because economically I would´ve been ###$ otherwise but still felt shame about the whole ordeal (which is not an oft ofccurence.)
/long-ass self-indulgent post
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