Just took a Personality Inventory and ... wow

Akuma wrote:I wanted to do that type from the start.

I'm glad you found the right therapy for you from the start. I had about four months of CBT and used this pandemic as an excuse to stop it. For me, it was completely useless. My therapist told me i was very analytical and cerebral and would try to get me to speak about my feelings by literally asking me to use "feeling" words ... Well, that's the problem, I'm out of touch with my feelings, I have no idea how I feel. I think to my therapist it seemed like I wouldn't open up, but I just didn't really know how to. It could have also been he was not the right match for me. Whatever. Truth is, I'm willing to invest the time. I expect it'll take an awful amount of time; I can't remember not being this way. I'll research psychoanalytic therapy. Did you discover that method through any readings, and if so, what might you recommend?

Did you tell your therapist that you're out of touch with your emotions?

The reason I signed up for therapy is because I need to connect with my emotions and that's what I told them at my initial assessment. If they fail to address my issue I shall remind them of this.

Manners73 wrote:Did you tell your therapist that you're out of touch with your emotions?

The reason I signed up for therapy is because I need to connect with my emotions and that's what I told them at my initial assessment. If they fail to address my issue I shall remind them of this.

I did tell him that not upfront but in our early sessions when I literally had nothing to say in response to him and would be like "I don't know" Honestly the entire experience made me feel really stupid lol. I told him I don't even know how I feel. Maybe he wasn't a great therapist or as I mentioned that we just didn't connect. I don't have a lot of experience with different therapists. Anyway, he was very rational, logical, adept at pointing out my cognitive distortions that I realize when I'm in a calmer state of mind. But isn't he supposed to help me fix them in the first place? I just don't think he understood me or my issues at all. He thought I had a generalized anxiety disorder and that's why he wanted me to get to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants, Prozac or Lexapro most likely. I'm not on anything and I know deep down those drugs won't help me. I know what I need is long term therapy and I'm willing to invest in that but wow, hard to find the right person I guess

hydrangea00 wrote:

Akuma wrote:I wanted to do that type from the start.

I'm glad you found the right therapy for you from the start. I had about four months of CBT and used this pandemic as an excuse to stop it. For me, it was completely useless. My therapist told me i was very analytical and cerebral and would try to get me to speak about my feelings by literally asking me to use "feeling" words ... Well, that's the problem, I'm out of touch with my feelings,

Ive actually had CBT, too. When I started therapy 4 years ago the first psychoanalyst was retiring so I started therapy with another therapist I thought did a hybrid thing, but it turned out it was CBT. I stayed there a year but it didnt really get me anywhere at all; I was listening more to him I think than him to me. Then I had to wait about 14 months for the current one to start. Was a good decision.

I have no idea how I feel. I think to my therapist it seemed like I wouldn't open up, but I just didn't really know how to. It could have also been he was not the right match for me. Whatever. Truth is, I'm willing to invest the time. I expect it'll take an awful amount of time;

Actually being able to feel again has also been one of my main goals originally, especially since a lot of my emotions have turned into psychosomatic things. It has gone into the background though, because I am starting to see that there is a reason for closing down like this and forcing it - especially with more intense therapies like maybe primal therapy or gestalt or something - might have very damaging effects, as it just activates something you havent been able to process before without laying a good foundation first - worst case you set yourself up for retraumatization or for decompensation.

I can't remember not being this way. I'll research psychoanalytic therapy. Did you discover that method through any readings, and if so, what might you recommend?

Well it has been around for 120 years or so now and there are different subschools of it now. I think the biggest differnce in a way between psychodynamic/-analytic approaches and others is still that they have a pretty deep vision of the inner person and the development that underlies that.
I have read a lot but I'm not sure theres anything I'd recommend, I dont think reading books about is is going to influence the therapy; at least in me there is a pretty strogn split between what rationally is known and what is actually realized. I think whats important is to find a therapist that has the experience and the flexibility to not force something on you that wont work for you. On top of that I find that when there is a fit this therapy form has a dynamic of its own; its more like watching grass grow sometimes... can be rather boring and requires patience and you might not really understand why it grows where it grows either. But it does.

Akuma wrote: Actually being able to feel again has also been one of my main goals originally, especially since a lot of my emotions have turned into psychosomatic things. It has gone into the background though, because I am starting to see that there is a reason for closing down like this and forcing it - especially with more intense therapies like maybe primal therapy or gestalt or something - might have very damaging effects, as it just activates something you havent been able to process before without laying a good foundation first - worst case you set yourself up for retraumatization or for decompensation.

I go through the same with psychosomatic things. I literally am incapable of relaxing. I do need those intense therapies but I'm terrified I'm closed down forever with no way of reopening myself. I can't remember a lot about my childhood or past, I'm just so unbelievably blocked. I envy those that can speak of their past so openly because it feels like at least they have the key to figuring out how to heal.

It took me a few therapist before I could talk about things also, I’ve never done it but the type of therapy Akuma is doing is designed to bring those things back might be worth checking into. A lot of memories came back to me while allowing my mind to think back and slowly some things came back but I’m fairly convinced there are some repressed memories as well that may never come back.

This is not to derail the thread you guys are spinning here but just as again as a disclaimer that belongs with my post touting the benefits of psilocybin
A funny yet simultaneously alarming article of the very real dangers of shaking the core of your (already shaky) being
https://medium.com/indian-thoughts/i-di ... 5c8e0af4c4

To ascertain, I suffer from the mainly covert or vulnerable NPD strain and nowadays am barely a coherent person, more like a blob with wants and needs.
Now that would all be fine and I could go on existing as others do except for the fact that I actually need others to subsist, to validate my false self, to feel like I exist. (am not sure to what extent the OP relates to this so disregard at will). Added to this the very real trouble that I am deeply nihilistic and deep down don’t necessary truly care for anything much (I am unfeeling, as some people on Quora have poetically put it) and most of my set goals only last for as long as I don’t deem them either too narcissistic or too grandiose to pursue long-term. (that’s a nice trick for ya mind).

On the flipside of that, the utter existential dread and necessity to still make my life somehow meaningful, this second impulse of actualization (Instead of being able to settle with life as-is, devoid of real love and substance, the only resort is a need for admiration and for gaining a sense of relevance, making ripples in the world. (Someone in the ASPD forum said: Epiphany. I want to matter!) tied together with the NPD grandiosity — and could be explained by: where there is a lack of love (also, true self-love), there is a quest for power. It is the introjected core belief I have of always being less than and only carrying any worth as a human being if I am doing something useful in the world, being a decent citizen (I seem to care for this less and less, the more demands I have on myself, go figure huh.) The prosocial part of me is nevertheless the thing that makes me feel like a somewhat appropriate member of society and an equally inappropriate member of the human race (because this is the way of Being I dehumanize myself the most and thus have immense self-disgust).
So essentially between these two pulls (explained by the ID and the Superego perhaps), I seem to exist. And it can be a vacuous existence indeed.

Now to add insult to injury, I have for whatever reason chosen to stay in my childhood home under my father’s roof (for fear of losing my mind living alone perhaps completely but it has had in some sense elicited exactly that) The visceral experience of gaining deep knowledge of the mask he has worn for the majority of his life raising us and how undeveloped he himself is as a person, how little actual concern he actually has for his children’s well-being. Just having a perfect mirror to my own life experience has put me through some variant of psychosis, only to come out the other end with some insight.

SelfSerf wrote:This is not to derail the thread you guys are spinning here but just as again as a disclaimer that belongs with my post touting the benefits of psilocybin
A funny yet simultaneously alarming article of the very real dangers of shaking the core of your (already shaky) being
https://medium.com/indian-thoughts/i-di ... 5c8e0af4c4

To ascertain, I suffer from the mainly covert or vulnerable NPD strain and nowadays am barely a coherent person, more like a blob with wants and needs.
Now that would all be fine and I could go on existing as others do except for the fact that I actually need others to subsist, to validate my false self, to feel like I exist. (am not sure to what extent the OP relates to this so disregard at will). Added to this the very real trouble that I am deeply nihilistic and deep down don’t necessary truly care for anything much (I am unfeeling, as some people on Quora have poetically put it) and most of my set goals only last for as long as I don’t deem them either too narcissistic or too grandiose to pursue long-term. (that’s a nice trick for ya mind).

On the flipside of that, the utter existential dread and necessity to still make my life somehow meaningful, this second impulse of actualization (Instead of being able to settle with life as-is, devoid of real love and substance, the only resort is a need for admiration and for gaining a sense of relevance, making ripples in the world. (Someone in the ASPD forum said: Epiphany. I want to matter!) tied together with the NPD grandiosity — and could be explained by: where there is a lack of love (also, true self-love), there is a quest for power. It is the introjected core belief I have of always being less than and only carrying any worth as a human being if I am doing something useful in the world, being a decent citizen (I seem to care for this less and less, the more demands I have on myself, go figure huh.) The prosocial part of me is nevertheless the thing that makes me feel like a somewhat appropriate member of society and an equally inappropriate member of the human race (because this is the way of Being I dehumanize myself the most and thus have immense self-disgust).
So essentially between these two pulls (explained by the ID and the Superego perhaps), I seem to exist. And it can be a vacuous existence indeed.

Now to add insult to injury, I have for whatever reason chosen to stay in my childhood home under my father’s roof (for fear of losing my mind living alone perhaps completely but it has had in some sense elicited exactly that) The visceral experience of gaining deep knowledge of the mask he has worn for the majority of his life raising us and how undeveloped he himself is as a person, how little actual concern he actually has for his children’s well-being. Just having a perfect mirror to my own life experience has put me through some variant of psychosis, only to come out the other end with some insight.

Thanks for sharing the article. I definitely don't think I have the mental wherewithal to endure that kind of trip. I so easily am triggered to decompensate in my daily ilfe. I also rely on grandiose goals, a few of which I've achieved due to shutting relationships and people out and focusing on myself and my talents ruthlessly. That being said, I think what precipitated my breakdown a couple years ago was realizing how unfair the world is and how talent and work can only take me so far. In other words, it's all about people, your social connections, etc. This has caused my life to basically be at a standstill for the past couple years, even with random opportunities here and there, it's nothing like before where I was able to steadily climb. The past couple of years both my psychological issues and difficulty dealing with people have destroyed a lot for me, and honestly, I'm so bitter about it. Because I feel entitled to success given my potential and my ability to put in the work to realize it. I'm just not as developed as a person I guess. Sorry if this is turning super whiny. It really sucks. But maybe this'll force me to finally fix my issues instead of hiding behind some veneer of perfection or whatever. Idk. I relate so much to what you call a "quest for power". I can't turn it off, and it never ends

SelfSerf, you know that I am a big advocate of psychedelic therapy as a viable alternative, and equate the psychedelic to the spiritual. I enjoyed your posts in this thread very much and would like the thread to remain fair and balanced i.e for every article as the one you posted there are 10x articles like this one: https://www.theguardian.com/society/201 ... apse-study [mdma effective in treating alcoholism] This is not to downplay the dangers of hyperslap (dmt jargon for realy bad trip).

And to contrast the psychedelics which have no known long term side effects and no potential for addiction and abuse I would like to posit that the drug they prescribed me at the psychiatrist, aripiprazol has a multum of side effects including drowsyness, dryness, gastral reflux, and muscle pain and no known antipsychotic properties or effects on the interaction on the two personality-types I identified in my case study. In addition to, becouse of all the side effects and inability to function, it paradoxically makes me take more illegal substances.

AProphet wrote:SelfSerf, you know that I am a big advocate of psychedelic therapy as a viable alternative, and equate the psychedelic to the spiritual. I enjoyed your posts in this thread very much and would like the thread to remain fair and balanced i.e for every article as the one you posted there are 10x articles like this one: https://www.theguardian.com/society/201 ... apse-study [mdma effective in treating alcoholism] This is not to downplay the dangers of hyperslap (dmt jargon for realy bad trip).

And to contrast the psychedelics which have no known long term side effects and no potential for addiction and abuse I would like to posit that the drug they prescribed me at the psychiatrist, aripiprazol has a multum of side effects including drowsyness, dryness, gastral reflux, and muscle pain and no known antipsychotic properties or effects on the interaction on the two personality-types I identified in my case study. In addition to, becouse of all the side effects and inability to function, it paradoxically makes me take more illegal substances.

I will inject something that am fairly certain you will not enjoy.

Of course psychiatric drugs have side effects. And none of it is perfect science but in cases of cluster B personalities, a lot of it is about damage control. To just again reiterate a very basic point - being unaware and unable to take true responsibility for one´s actions means that you are bound to have an effect that people might consider either odd/obtrusive/completely unacceptable. Now the Narcissists thinks he is above all that, making corrections to their presentation (false self) if they don´t like what others mirror back to them about their behavior or if they´ve gone anti-social or might even welcome this as a proof that they are on the right track (I am having an effect on others, therefore am doing something right. At least I exist, am meaningful in some sense)

When I tried MDMA (+microdose of psilocybin) it to me felt odd, weird. Unenjoyable. As in, the bare minimum of being a member of society I could bear but I didn´t care for other people. I didn´t like that I had to suddenly take into account the fact that other people exist and I would have to respond to them. Having created a world where my mind was capable of orienting itself only in that limited world, other people became no more than obstructions.

The thing is, what you are currently doing (a self-described case study of a "cured narcissist" - ain´t that a grandiose prospect, having yourself admitted that all of it is practically impossible - a pwNPD will scoff at even divine intervention) is experimental at best and utter madness at its worst. There is no proof that administering exorbitant amounts of mind-expanding substances by yourself to yourself accounts to having therapeutic benefits.

The one thing I have noticed is that you seem to applaud some of my posts randomly here and there (mainly those agreeing with your view of the world), and then there are far and few between that put you off immediately. Might it be that our settings are at a point of being just soo similarly far gone on the path from normal reality and at different points in time our viewpoints converge? That´s why you agree.

Of course our maladjusted brains would tell us that it iss exactly the right place to be, after all our minds are infallible, right? (Your own words, from an older post) No doubt anything going against that, which reiterates just how far we have steered from neurotypicality, would present to you as morbid. But the real litmus test would be...is it wrong? One suffering from NPD would always have to compare the inner realities against how life actually pans out when you are out of your own head.