Struggling

Hello there

I'm not diagnosed with NPD nor have I ever seen any professional about this but I'm struggling and I'll tell you why.

When I was much younger I did realise that I am narcissistic. I truly believed that I was superior, more intelligent, better looking and that I deserved more than anyone else. I treated people like $#%^ and I just could never take responsibility for any of my actions. I believed the world owed me a favour and I couldn't understand why it wasn't delivering it to me.

Anyway that was years ago and to be honest (until I joined pf) I didn't even know it was a mental health issue. So with this realisation about myself I decided to change.

Recently though I think it's reared it's ugly head and I'm thinking that what I may have become is a covert narcissist. It's like all of those traits I had when I was younger are tucked away, hidden inside me in a little bundle. I'm still arrogant but I put a funny spin on it as with all of the other traits.

My struggle at the moment is that I think I'm projecting all this onto a work colleague but in my ###$ up head I'm accusing this person of doing the same to me.

I can't figure out if it's me, him or even both of us who is afflicted with this.

If I have NPD then I have it. But I would absolutely hate to inflict this on another person.

Does anyone have any clue as to what to make of this or has it even happened to anyone here.

Thank you in advance.

Manners73 wrote:I truly believed that I was superior, more intelligent, better looking and that I deserved more than anyone else. I treated people like $#%^ and I just could never take responsibility for any of my actions.

I know a meme response is not very fulfilling, but we've all been an ass to someone at some point, and often many times over. That you are looking it over is what matters. A lot of people never do.

I also hate the thought that this other person has affected my life so much that this thing has happened to me.

I feel like I recognised him as soon as I met him. It was like looking in the mirror and I didn't know why at first. Then as time went by and I saw him more and more I became in denial of this similarity and endeavoured to destroy him.

I don't hate myself and I feel no shame or guilt for what I'm doing but if this is all projection then it means I'm seriously ###$ in the head.

In my head I see us both as opposite sides of the same coin and I don't even understand what that means.

I could be projecting here, if so apologize in advance, but we can only relate to others through our own experiences.

I can relate to having gotten involved with someone who seemed like my mirror, only to have it turn into a war of destroying each other. If you are a cluster B personality, then that is almost bound to happen at least once as we replay our past, except from the adult position vs the child. Maybe even a few times.

Manners73 wrote:In my head I see us both as opposite sides of the same coin and I don't even understand what that means.

Not sure, again, just guessing from experiences. Two thoughts come to mind -

If this is a female/male relationship, then you almost assuredly did have different social experiences.

Even if not, you are introspecting. Did this other person introspect?

I don't know if he introspects.

It's like I've recognised myself in him and I'm destroying myself all over again like I did all those years ago and I've not (until now) considered that he's a even a real person.

It's mad but it also doesn't mean that he's not trying to do the same to me.

He's told me that I remind him of his mother. She was a drug addict and he was put into care because he was neglected...

-- Sat Dec 14, 2019 6:18 pm --

I reckon I should turn my back on the situation. It's probably best for all concerned.

It's a war of wills and I don't think anyone's going to win to be honest.

Manners73 wrote:It's a war of wills and I don't think anyone's going to win to be honest.

Probably not.

What came to mind ...

For cluster B types their willpower to win at all costs can be their last sense of self-esteem, even if that means ruining a relationship. I don't mean that in a critical way though, it's just what they need to keep on surviving, and can be a useful focus in some situations.

Thank you for that xdudex.

It helps to see where perhaps I can help myself. I am so competitive that it hurts.

yo manner

*mod edit*

peace - out again

I can't fathom how a person can seem to understand themselves yet still manage to be at war with their choices

easiersaidthandone wrote:I can't fathom how a person can seem to understand themselves yet still manage to be at war with their choices

I would think that a person would only be at war with their choices if they understand themselves.