Learning empathy from the heartbreak cont.

I should further mention that I didnt just "view" the girl as hating me. I made her hate me. She absolutely should hate me, the monster I was. And It didnt matter if she would be hurt and heartbroken. Crying becouse the one she fell in love with was the biggest idiot. Only thing that was important is that I dont get to be with the girl my true self loved AT ANY COST.
A heartbreak realy realy hurts, and I never aknowledged the feeling she had, without saying a word. She thought I just dont know, which is bad enough. Breaking someones heart by being stupid is reason enough to hate them. BUT I HATED HER FOR IT. She didnt exist to the false self and It was in control (while she was in love). Didnt matter that she cared a lot, didnt matter she did anything she could for me, didnt matter that she waited, belived in me. didnt matter that I was cruel, trying hard to ignore her. And I was an idiot not worth the heartbreak.

Idk maybe pwNPD can understand hate on an intellectual level. Makes sence that she should hate me? Did I wrong her? That I didnt just tell her right away, I couldnt becouse we would have to be together.
I would fall in love with her on the day she first confessed, If I just walked up and asked her name.
Had that revealed in a dream. Of what the false self was thinking in that moment. She was in love, she had to think about me all the time, thats how the feeling works. She had to beg god for me to fall in love with her. She was thinking shes just not good enough for someone like me. And she couldnt be more wrong, I was an idiot not worth the heartbreak, a 4 year old boy with no object constancy. That didnt know he broke her heart. Even stupider than that. I knew she was in love but it didnt matter.

Well should she hate me or not?

the dream, my challenge is for your to interpret it

A very special girl walks me to an erotic photoshoot, there were other people walking with us
We end up on the roof of a building, from which we can see a magical land
with sparkling trees and strange creatures, where the photoshoot will take place.
They said to watch for the photographer, that he will appear on a bus stop, barely visible from the roof
I was grabbing the tits of some bimbo, not the special one, when someone screamed "Photographer"
Everyone started jumping from the roof, but I was too scared. It was realy high and there was only a very small mat on the ground.
I looked for another way down, but the roof started transforming
I found myself lieing in bed with someone next to me, but I didnt trust that "thing" enough to hold it
It turned arround, it was a corpse
The other black girl from kenya was in the dream too, she was in love with me as well. She had a whip and was laughing.
I woke up sweating.

That she thought I didnt even remember her confession, and she would forgive that. Still did anything she could. Tried to confess again. Not seeing her other confession is even crueler. If someone wants you THAT much, and you dont care, you have no heart, no empathy. Your not a human being. "Please, I love you, please dont break my heart. Ill do anything for you". Do you pwNPD's understand? When someone cares? What she tried to do for this idiot? And he never apreciated. To my own deterement. With love like that I could do anything. I could abuse her, cum on her face and she would take it. Not only take it, she would LOVE IT. Like the other girl. Just kept coming back for more. Doesnt matter, lets hate love. Just a realy ######6 stupid disorder.

"The False Self sometimes parades the child-like, vulnerable, needy, and innocent True Self in order to capture, manipulate, and attract empathic sources of narcissistic supply. When supply is low, the False Self is emaciated and dilapidated. It is unable to contain and repress the True Self which then emerges as a petulant, self-destructive, spoiled, and codependent entity. But the True Self’s moments in the sun are very brief and, usually, inconsequential."
-From Malignant self love

The first time ever I saw my true self, the 4 year old boy. I did see it on a few other seperate occasions, when she was near. But only after I registered her hating me. Was instantly mad in love. When your in love, its difficult to speak to that person. It makes you stupid. And your heart is racing whenever they are near. And you're all giggly, it feels realy good. The moment was consequential. When your in love with someone, and they dont care or are not nice to you, you are hurt. My punishment for falling in love, for feeling anything. Anything at all.

Nobody even trying to interpret the dream? what is the photographer? what does the jump mean?

what the ###$ was I
I wish I never existed
It would be better for me, if I didnt exist
not existing would be an improvement, the way I was
dissapointing the ones that cared, insufferable, lashing out
just ######6 making yourself suffer with all your power, inverted narcissist
I dont even know what kind of emotion this is, did dmt and was puking and crying

I feel like a total trash, $#%^ human being, idiot that will never learn anything, too stupid to ever learn. Even tho nothing realy happened. Your just not with the girl that wouldnt fall in love with you anyway.

I should explain by what I mean by puking. Becouse strong emotions do this. Its not like you do it to vomit out anything, you just do it to vomit out. Idk the disbelief of what you did makes you sick to your stumach. It is painfull, but it cleanses the emotion, your ok for a time. Like you have to think about all this, what you could have had, what the girl wanted to do for you, instead your here dying nth month and feel like a retard. Like the doctor (a generalist for now, NHS) said I have "emotional investment In those person you didnt even know that well". I was in love with her, I had to think about this everytime I saw her and made her sad or scared rejecting her outright, and she loved me despite that. And dissapointing her like that, being the biggest idiot. But you have to think about this and it hurts, like remorse. And sometimes it hurts so much, that you think your going to puke. But not from any food you've eaten.

No puking this time, emotional tiredness and after sometime screaming under my blanket, how insane I was. It ######6 hurts and you have to release the emotional pain somehow, like scream about it. Feelings arent logical in that way. There is no logic behind my "emotional attachment". In that sence it could even be a dream, but the emotions were real. Before this Id never imagine a "personality disorder" can be something serious. Surprise, Its the most ###$ up thing you can imagine.

I should Post once again, what made me think that I have a false self. The concept existed widely on the internet, wasnt known to me before, and It was the perfect and only possible explanation. This had to be the only explanation.


1.Internal dialogue, form and tense are correct as to two selves talking. Mostly the false self talking to me in fact, It was the I and my true self was barely existant. "your love is cheap", "WE US" Some concepts are twisted, it cannot comprehend feelings, like when first time I rejected her, she was "too good to be friends". In fact I think my false self knew I will fall in love with her, before I did. Its the only explanation why I couldnt just lovebomb her like the other girls, 3 or 4 in love with me at the same time.

2. Love and object permanence was concievable only internally, in the internal dialogue. "Am I in love with her?" was impossible to say. The false self was the I, and it cannot love. It cannot even hate, she just didnt exist. Like that other people have thoughts and feelings. "Does she remember that?". I do remember telling I love you to a girl before, but she knew I was lying.

3. Dreams. Two of me in a dream, one of them hurting me,and the dream of my false In that moment. The photographer was love btw. I think Its an allusion to the photographic memory of mental states.

4. No concept of whole object relations, the false self is incapable of it, its just an automatic set of defense mechanisms. So I knew she was In love, but only becouse I fell in love with her. Then she wanted to confess and I didnt want to see it, tried as hard as I could not to see it, even when we were right next to eachother. I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. And I didnt care to see her confession. But then, you didnt hurt her, she doesnt have feelings, nothing realy happened, your in love with her now, without object constancy it all seemed ok. Nothing wrong with that. I cant belive how ######6 insane I was, my actions dont matter insane, and only possible explanation.

5. I hated her for being in love with me and I was automaton, so I never changed my mind, no matter what she did, except hating me and then expose the 4 year old for self destructive narcissistic supply, abusing himself, inverted narcissist. Like you cant be this stupid, you have to try as hard as you can to be this stupid. Trying as hard as you can not to see her confession. And then falling in love like nothing happened.


So I found I have exactly this mental illness. Everything I found matched the description, so I self diagnosed NPD and found this forum. Ill be seing some psychiatrists soon, but Im honestly tired of thinking of this and It hurts everytime, but you have to think about it all the time anyway.

Like she thought Im so stupid, was in love with her and still didnt know I broke her heart. After everything she did. You cant be this stupid. How can she not understand that. Still didnt know she was in love, even tho he was in love with her himself. Its not funny how stupid she thought I am. Like irredeemable stupid. Stupid forever. You cant be this stupid. It had to be something realy realy specific.
At first I thought I was self hating. Some fragmentary consciousness, part of me hurting myself, denying me love. But what I found is that if I tried as hard as I can not to see her confession. Like I knew and couldnt see it, at any cost. I had photographic memory of it. It took months of heartbreak to understand how I was hurting her. THAT SHE HAS FEELINGS. Only understood after I learned a narcissist posseses a false self. That Its not In love with her. That It "hates" love. It cant realy hate. That only my true self was in love. And that I only had that one feeling confirming my existence. I started learning empathy mostly by trusting my intuition. You never miss anything. It was just an impossible question, that other people have thoughts and feelings. I would never notice most likely. And missing this realy makes you insane.
I knew she was in love before, but only becouse I fell in love with her. I knew that she wants to be with me, becouse she was assbumping me, waiting for me, smiling shyly, talking to get my attention.
So I knew she was in love before, knew she wants to be with me, but couldnt figure out that shes still In love? No, I knew exactly. I hated her for it. Did everything I could not to see her confession. And its exactly how this defence mechanism, narcissistc personality disorder, operates. Perfect match. Your not allowed to feel. Its scared of feeling. Feeling was too dangerous when you are abused as a child. Its too horrifying to develop empathy when your primary caregiver hates you. So its a matter of survival, not to feel. I had to not be with the girl I loved, and she was in love with me, at any cost. Becouse I loved her. Not be with her, especially becouse we were both in love with eachother. First time I was in love. Shouldnt even happen, when you have this. Your not suposed to fall in love without empathy. She was so amazing, she had this incredible charm. That even a monster like me fell in love. She ment everything, so she didnt exist. Only that saved me, that I was able to fall in love. I wouldnt know my personality existed, if not for that one feeling. And I had all the answers and I did all the worst choices anyway. "It has to be her", like real thoughts my true self was having for the first time ever. Thats how the feeling works. You have to do anything for that person, you cant fight it. Even if they dont care. Even If they hate you for it.

But you stay this way, long after the defence mechanism is usefull. You are just hijacked. By a false self. By something that you think is you, that its your personality, becouse thats all you know, from an earliest age, but is a parasite, a mental virus, that has devoured the psyche, took over the functioning of the person. She just thought Im stupid. I wish I was just stupid. I wish I was the biggest idiot in the universe, it would be an improvement. How the ###$ can you be so deranged.
This had to be the only possible explanation. I would never belive this if it wasnt. It had to be the only explanation.

There is also a spiritual dimension to all this. Like I existed to give her this experience. The experience of falling in love with the biggest idiot. Becouse only an idiot would break her heart. There has to exists idiots so the girls can experience negative feelings. With so much love for me, waiting for me for months, A codependant empath. You can abuse those as much as you like I heard, they always stay in the relationship. All the girls, 9+3. Its not just a coincidence, that they fell for the biggest asshole, the one that hates them for being in love. That I didnt know they were in love untill recently. I thought love is random, some chemical reaction. Its a profoundly spiritual, lifechanging experience, falling in love. Not even mentioning the religious experience I had. Of the entities trying to save me from narcissism. But your so ###$ up that even the gods cant save you. I think it had to happen this way, and the gods only let me know that It wasnt me. Becouse I would kill myself otherwise. Hurting the girl I loved, breaking her heart while I was in love with her. It was unbearable. I could never do this, becouse it was hurting me. It had to be someone else. A false self with no empathy. You cant do things like that if you have empathy. I had not to understand that she is suffering, to be able do it.
Its all about feelings, and experiencing. Life is only a dream, and we are one consciousness experiencing itself. All just experiences, there is no death. The universe is here to surprise us. I heard all this before from Alan Wats for example, many others, thought Its hippy #######4, I changed my mind. Synchronicity, the love was synchronous and even she saw it. That it was magic. Thats why she tried so hard. Did everything for the idiot not worth the heartbreak. This was her surprise. And for me? Surprise, you didnt exist. This is not just coincidences. 3 or 4 in love with me, at the same time? This just doesnt happen. Im not ######6 Leonardo Di Caprio. And they only fall in love with me, becouse Im an idiot? The irony of this. Its more than just random. Its profound.

My heart doesnt hurt anymore. I should say this too, becouse I wouldnt have known, given the nature of NPD. The heart realy does hurt during a heartbreak. If you didnt have this, when your relationship ended or you've been rejected, means you werent realy in love. Now I confused the idealization phase for love too, but its not realy love. I thought I was in love many times. Actually, this was the first time I was in love. And loosing that person feels like dying. Shouldnt even happen when you are pwNPD. Shouldnt be able to fall in love without empathy.

I still think of her all the time. Anytime, I could have said anything and anything would be enough. Just not hate her and ignore her forever, no matter what she did. When It was so easy to let love change me. I could be saved just by being in love with her. I managed to do that only with the feeling, and with her telling me "its ok", I could do anything. But then I wouldnt find out I have an incurable mental illness. That was realy important somehow. Even when I always knew Im pathological, always wanted to change but stopped believing I could. I always dreamed of the beautiful girl saving me. Instead I was a monster to the beautiful girl, and had to save myself.

Ok Ive been to the psychiatrists, SPA (Single point of access) meeting. I cant be offered treatment, becouse I do drugs and hallucinogens. Those have cease before I can have symptom relief treatment, The only one they could offer. I think the hallucinogens are way more effective, but for that treatment you go to a shaman, not to a psychiatrist. Its not my place to recommend this to anyone, make your own choices. Anyway, the religious experience I had:

I was listening to psytrance on acid and suddenly felt the love emanating. I knew its love right away. I got scared and thought that I cant trust it, that It could be a demon. That It might be pretending love. The entity presence was overwhelming. It was telepathic, a sound of thousand ringing voices, I knew what It wanted to say: "pay attention". Some time after, a sensation of scanning my mind. A sensation like consciousness can live outside the body, and a powerfull sensation of foreigness, like Im not this person. "what do you mean, its just me". Then, the entity asked me to smoke dmt and break threw, nagging me. My false self was fighting it. Stopped as soon as I lit the flame though. "smoke later". Its the thing I regret most in life and it almost killed me. Used acid and psychodelics a lot, but never had a highly structured experience like this before.

You have no self reflection, so it wasnt possible to understand what the gods said. My true self was the one who felt the love, but my false self was too scared of feeling to allow that. It supressed the feeling as soon as it appeared. Well, it wasnt just me, it was my false self being exposed by the entities (sensation of foreigness). Its the biggest guarded secret. That there is a false self, and that its not the one in love with her. My dream of dmt was impossible too, they say to not even invite narcissists to ayahuasca circles. They always fight the medicine. So deranged even the gods couldnt save you. Becouse you dont exist to be saved. To have courage and understanding. So this is the 6th proof I had a false self pretending to be me, but its just personal proof. I cant offer this as evidence.

Can this stop allready? I learned the lessson ok. Doesnt matter what she thought of me. That her first love was a retard. Fell in love with her and still didnt know she was in love. She has no idea what I was dealing with. Only my oppinion of myself matters. I had an incurable mental illness. I wouldnt wish it on her though. I loved her. Why not just feel the love emanating? it was amazing. I always loved listened to the people speak about the entities. Especially McKenna. And Joe Rogan. Couldnt wait, untill I go there myself, but It was impossbile to get dmt for me at that time.I always wanted to learn from them about the universe and meaning of life. And when the time came, I couldnt trust the gods. Its so ######6 unfair how ###$ up I was.