Nearing the end of my rope

AProphet wrote:What kind of quote is this. You didnt respond to anything I said.

Just putting forward how I deal with exactly what you described there.

I have all that similar $#%^ inside me as well, everything just feels unreal and once I cognitively grasp that, things get real dark, i.e. if I dwell on the past and beat myself up about all I´ve done wrong (which is basically my whole life, as it´s very easy for me to fall for the split of seeing myself as worthless) The way I keep that at bay is artificially creating some new purpose even if I kind of see through the futility of it.

As anyone with NPD is in Jungian terms avoiding their shadow through having to be perfect, the bad parts of them are all shoved to the subconscious, as we are not capable of acknowledge´ing all of it. grow larger and larger over the years. The big issue is, once that shadow parts grows so big, it starts to crawl out into the conscious awarness. Once you become acutely cognizant (that´s what psychedelics do and why they rock the NPD or any PD boat so hard) is that you are likely come face to face with all your deficits. If your whole core is a deficit, that´s damn near unbearable, which is what you were basically describing by saying that you discovered you don´t live in the real world. The quote was to acknowledge that am in a very similar spot. The defenses are so high that they cover that up fairly easily but it´s nowhere near a sustainable solution.

Someone in another thread said the way they keep the suicidal thoughts at bay is by "trying not to let things feed". I have no real clue what he meant exactly by that cryptic message but I imagine this to be the gist of it.

As Akuma pointed out earlier, that he has never understood the self-effacing kind of pwNPD. How can you hate deplore yourself and beat yourself up so much when you think so highly of yourself by default. Just one read of a post like this is enough to send me over again. Why continue this wretched existence when you have been the perpetrator of such harm.

https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-fac ... -them-know

I think the woman who wrote this, describes the horror of finding this out perfectly. Her experience I cannot fathom. Nor can I fathom what those girls in my life I deluded myself to think of as significant other, when all I ever did in actions was to show them HOW UNSIGNIFICANT they were to me. And in a way I understand it even better because I have been on both sides of this so it´s not like I don´t understand the pain this person is describing. I have been made to feel absolutely worthless
and unfortunately also simultaneously got the other end from my grandmother who is HPD/NPD and seduced me into the role of equal when I was at my weakest.) Just knowing how incapable my father was of true closeness yet turning out exactly the same as him and even times worse. That is the true horror of being a narcissist.

SelfSerf wrote:

AProphet wrote:What kind of quote is this. You didnt respond to anything I said.

Just putting forward how I deal with exactly what you described there.

I have all that similar $#%^ inside me as well, everything just feels unreal and once I cognitively grasp that, things get real dark, i.e. if I dwell on the past and beat myself up about all I´ve done wrong (which is basically my whole life, as it´s very easy for me to fall for the split of seeing myself as worthless) The way I keep that at bay is artificially creating some new purpose even if I kind of see through the futility of it.

As anyone with NPD is in Jungian terms avoiding their shadow through having to be perfect, the bad parts of them are all shoved to the subconscious, as we are not capable of acknowledge´ing all of it. grow larger and larger over the years. The big issue is, once that shadow parts grows so big, it starts to crawl out into the conscious awarness. Once you become acutely cognizant (that´s what psychedelics do and why they rock the NPD or any PD boat so hard) is that you are likely come face to face with all your deficits. If your whole core is a deficit, that´s damn near unbearable, which is what you were basically describing by saying that you discovered you don´t live in the real world. The quote was to acknowledge that am in a very similar spot. The defenses are so high that they cover that up fairly easily but it´s nowhere near a sustainable solution.

Someone in another thread said the way they keep the suicidal thoughts at bay is by "trying not to let things feed". I have no real clue what he meant exactly by that cryptic message but I imagine this to be the gist of it.

Yes, facing the void is extremely painful. The psychodelic use is what allowed me to fall in love I think. Happened soon after I started experimenting with dmt. Allowed me to reconstruct my personality from that feeling. But breaking threw was impossible, the false self would never let go.
But they gave no conscious awareness of my deficits. I thought Im spiritual but I was just getting high.

You dont think of yourself highly. You dont have the grandiosity trait. You think your undeserving and pathological. What you realy do is abuse yourself.

SelfSerf wrote:Nor can I fathom what those girls in my life I deluded myself to think of as significant other, when all I ever did in actions was to show them HOW UNSIGNIFICANT they were to me. And in a way I understand it even better because I have been on both sides of this so it´s not like I don´t understand the pain this person is describing.

You had some new insights regarding what we first talked about I see.

AProphet wrote:You dont think of yourself highly. You dont have the grandiosity trait. You think your undeserving and pathological. What you realy do is abuse yourself.

You had some new insights regarding what we first talked about I see.

Maybe. Not sure if it is an insight. The idea of a partner and the opposite sex seem inherently fraught with dangers being that it necessitates vulnerability to become intimate. I know I am not capable of that. Like my previous relationship demonstrated, I would rather dupe the person next to me to the very last limit until I admitted to myself that I am incapable of letting anyone near. The girls I was with was really touchy-feely in a supportive way which my brain deemed dangerous (maybe because I intuited that I didn´t know how to respond the same. Basically I yearned for it, as it worked for me in like a motherly sort of way but it felt like the manifestation of how hurt I have been throughout my life those I have trusted. And such closeness of others had already become so unbearable the point where I yearned for my partner´s touch but felt physical pain at times when she actually did comfort me.

The thing is I do have the grandiosity trait. Because I also have ASPD traits that seem to augmented by my depressiveness, that´s like a cluster of defences creating an absolute fence I have around me. Deep down I am grandiose, which is the worst variant because my subconscious and defualt vibe I give out to others is that I am better than them, don´t want to associate and would rather tell everyone off if they dare invite me anywhere even though I desperately need them around me. The schizoid "I don´t really need anybody" kicks in out of that very same awareness of being incapable of maintaining interpersonal relationships cause I lack social skills and empathy and I don´t want to freak anyone out if I am downright obtuse toward their very existence.

At times I veer more toward the BPD self is when I feel most helpless, regressing back to a child like I need someone around me to tell me how to proceed with life and what to do on an hourly basis, i.e. needing validation, which is more of the vulnerable/hypervigilant narcissist variety. Then when I actually receive guidance and someone holds me accountable for some goal I told them I want to achieve, that´s when I start sulking and sometimes become grandiose - "I don´t really need you to tell me what to do, I know better." which is complete bull. I know jack $#%^. It´s a dead end street so I would rather disown any humanity that I have left in me because it´s like remnants of a person.

But yeah it´s true that I don´t think of myself highly. I keep a distance from immediate family and people I used to consider good riends because I think of myself as toxic and am tired of keeping up a front like everything is going well. Because nothing has been and ever will be fine and happy. Okay?Perhaps. But I will never be alive just to experience happiness and that is something no-one with a normal mind will ever relate to. And a mediocre existence is almost not enough to be worth aspiring to. The expectations of a normal life my sister has I won´t even aspire to because I don´t even know what the beginnings of it would be. That train seems so far gone from the station it´s delusional to think it´s in any way reachable.

SelfSerf wrote:But yeah it´s true that I don´t think of myself highly. I keep a distance from immediate family and people I used to consider good riends because I think of myself as toxic and am tired of keeping up a front like everything is going well. Because nothing has been and ever will be fine and happy. Okay?Perhaps. But I will never be alive just to experience happiness and that is something no-one with a normal mind will ever relate to. And a mediocre existence is almost not enough to be worth aspiring to. The expectations of a normal life my sister has I won´t even aspire to because I don´t even know what the beginnings of it would be. That train seems so far gone from the station it´s delusional to think it´s in any way reachable.

I also had no concept of how to change myself, stopped beliveing I could, just like you. That is before I fell in love. Be spiritual, something surprising will surely happen.

SelfSerf wrote:Although it is noted that ending your life is the very antithesis of what a pwNPD would do, I am increasinly verging on making this decision.

You will be surprised by the number of suicidal people suffering from Npd.

kaloya123 wrote:

SelfSerf wrote:Although it is noted that ending your life is the very antithesis of what a pwNPD would do, I am increasinly verging on making this decision.

You will be surprised by the number of suicidal people suffering from Npd.

Actually having read this forum for quite a bit now, am not too surprised. If statistics are to by, there is a large percentage that follows through as well.

Basically don´t see any endeavours that I could have considerable success in. The job I have is utterly meaningless and almost entirely unfulfilling, it just keeps me (somewhat) sane. I have a deeply seated belief that I am better than that job though. Reality is showing that I am actually less than, because I can´t even provide the basic courtesies of customer service. Am a courier and I´ve noticed myself zoning out and losing my mask to a point where I creep customers out now. I had this as a side-job at first and idealized it because it allowed my to cycle around. Now I feel it is limiting because it seems as if I´ve just become a meathead who does not even care enough to smile.

Sadly, the avenues that I have chosen for self-development so far in my life have been limiting in and of themselves. I´ve only relied on this image of myself. Now, having seen how defunct this image really is in providing me with lasting relationships, I see no true reason to get out of bed other than to subsist. Ending it just seems like a logical conclusion.

When I fool myself in thinking I can continue living this disconnected life, I manage up to a point, until I gain an awareness of where I am heading (whichs is absolutely nowhere). I literally have no long-term plans. Hazy ones at best that I have no self-belief in realizing, like a driver´s licence which I have been putting off or 10+ years. I also feel as if life-long depression has ravaged my brain to point where it is extremely hard for me to focus and actually learn something new.

Again, sounding like a broken record but the only problem I am currently having with the idea of suicide is that
1) I can´t imagine a world without myself, hence it is difficult to assume how this will impact the people who still care about me. What I know for sure is that it will not help my absolutely disfunctional family in any way. My cNPD father (who is already living a hermit´s life only devoted to his work, so absorbed that I sometimes think he has alzheimer´s) will probably lose his $#%^, feel extreme guilt but also leverage responsibility onto my sister for not knowing or smth
My grandmother´s heart will be broken to absolute pieces, she´s quite old and already lost her daughter (my mother) so I don´t know if she would ever bounce back from it.

2) Out of all the selfish things I have done, this would be the most selfish (hooray)

Worst is I know this could all go away if I found a *good enough of a source* of supply. Which I wont as I actually feel like since NPD is almost a cancerous growth in your mental state, it´s like I would be beating the pathology tothe kill. It´s already ever taken away any possible sense of joy from my existence.

Worst of all is that I feel like I´ve lost my humanity. Like I have nothing in common.

So after having a cup of coffee, I feel like killing myself. Where do we go from here?

*EDIT - DISCLAIMER - discard at will. Might be just some feeble attempt at getting attention.

So, to cover the gist of it.

Starting from last Fall and getting to really know how vapid and vacuous I am as a person, I´ve refused to dupe another girl who is into me (probably would not be capable of having anyone fall for me anymore either), essentially eliciting and increasingly schizoid statehood and my own collapse.

I subsist off of Instagram likes (which almost feels more real to me than people´s genuine interest in my wellbeing) and the acceptance of those who I live with (I keep in touch and take part just enough for them not to hate me).

My behavior has elicited my dad to probably discard me (we could stay inside the same apartment for days without acknowledgeing each other). He still turns to me sometimes for but I pretty much deny him the admiration, it´s just so Knowing that, I know this is bad. It suspect it has loosened more than a few of his screws (which were coming off as it was). His only interest has been work after which he numbs himself with media (as you do/i.e. as do I) and his un-significant other (see what I did there ) is not around much anymore which makes me assume that she just refuses to deal with the majority of his $#%^ anymore and their relationship has reached some "need-to-cum" basis. (###$, I realize that´s harsh...but unloading (again, see ) this out of my psyche has some revelatory qualities. Basically, sometimes I try to remind myself (for my sanity´s sake) that he could be a far worse person but that in my mind that split means pushing down all of which almost feels like denying myself of reckognizing the $#%^ he put me through during childhood so it´s like a lose-lose. I can´t give him that.

Now I almost wish I could go full ASPD and just have guilt-free fun and ###$ anything that moves (the thought of which is exciting) but this is sadly not in my genetic makeup. There was an occurence where a client asked me to take the food with her upstairs (she had already come down with another girl and could´ve easily taken it herself but I politely declined (not my type and she was tipsy. Besides I can barely hold a conversation and she could´ve just wanted me to take the extra steps instead. Of course I read it as a direct hint to join the party that "I was above of". In reality, situations like this just make me extremely insecure and I don´t know how to behave.

SelfSerf wrote:...
Now I almost wish I could go full ASPD and just have guilt-free fun and ###$ anything that moves (the thought of which is exciting) but this is sadly not in my genetic makeup. ...

I can relate to this what-if.

I think it's very insightful that AsPD would be the next step in shutting down, but yea, we aren't all wired to be able to do so.

Like you wrote earlier, it's a strange thing to both dislike yourself at times, and to have moments (even long runs) of having over the top thoughts of myself, only to melt back down into that sense of shame.

SelfSerf wrote:
Now I almost wish I could go full ASPD and just have guilt-free fun and ###$ anything that moves (the thought of which is exciting) but this is sadly not in my genetic makeup.

Not a characteristic of the disorder*. Having no feelings at all would no doubt be superior to having the sense of overwhelming annulment, cosmic void, which comes when you are failing to maintain your functioning a.k.a narcissistic supply deficiency. You wish a lot you could be ASPD.