NPD - Who is the one abused?

Watching all the videos on youtube, its clear that the narcissist ("narc") is the most evil person and wants to destroy you. That all the poor victims of the narc are stonewalled, gaslighted, devalued and discarded, not treated like people. They all explain how to move on. All the comments are a variation of "never change", "gas them", "hate you becouse they are misreable".

Why cant I have some understanding too. I didnt know this is what I do. That I didnt think at all - everything I "thought" was just a justification of what my false self is going to do. And it hates love and loves to be hated. I was emotionaly retarded and had to learn empathy at the age of 29. Threw no fault of my own, I was made this way with no ability to comprehend. That I dont exist. That I have a parasite, a mental virus, that has devoured my psyche.

Im sorry I hurt all those girls. 9+2, they all wanted the heartbreak. I have remorse now. I didnt want to do it. They just thought im ######6 stupid, doesnt know what he is doing, learned nothing in life. Hurt a girl and himself becouse he was an idiot. Idiot not worth a heartbreak. IF I WAS JUST STUPID IT WOULD BE AMAZING. Id rather be ######6 evil and be proud of it.

Its realy hard to forgive myself. even knowing that it wasnt me. Idk I dont have anyone that cares, becouse I never cared, and never could care. So I would appreciate some community, that we are survivors too.

Go to a therapist and get a diagnosis. I'm pretty sure you will be surprised about it.

Why? I think I diagnosed myself fairly accurately. I also had a religious experience on acid telling me exactly what I need to know. But it didnt matter to the false self. It knows better than the gods. Literally so ###$ up that the gods cant save you.

heres the link to what exactly happened *mod edit*

I wouldnt survive this if it was me. Only kept me alive that it wasnt me, that I never even existed. I learned that hurting the one I loved is a wholy different kind of pain.

Akuma wrote:Go to a therapist and get a diagnosis. I'm pretty sure you will be surprised about it.

The surprising thing is that NPD exists. Unimaginably ###$ up

AcidProphet wrote:Why? I think I diagnosed myself fairly accurately. I also had a religious experience on acid telling me exactly what I need to know.

Well I think you didnt but that aside, by seeing a professional you would actually do a step out of the bubble. As long as you rely on only yourself (including drug induced states), diagnose yourself, fix yourself, understand yourself etc... you're not one inch out. I mean you have come to a forum for pwNPD, telling us your insufferable sob stories, being all hysterical and apparently hoping for some kind of emotional, empathetic response, which frankly is pretty dumb of you. So even if you are on some sort of starting point I'm pretty sure you wont get much further alone.

I know everything I needed to know. That there is a false self and I have no personality. That the feelings im having are not the same other people have. I LEARNED ALL THE FEELINGS AND EMPATHY. IT WAS EXTREMELY PAINFULL. What I need is friends I can relate to, becouse I never had that aparently, they were not people, just sources of supply.

And I can see im not getting any camaraderie here. Which is surprising, each of us had to do something so ###$ up they'd rather died. We all had to pay the devils due, threw no fault of our own.

Theres plenty of professionals making youtube videos for your information. Its too late for the professional, they could have told me what my problem was when I was actualy visiting one, long ago.

You're wrong about not relying on yourself. Its exactly who you have to rely on. The root of NPD is that you were not accepted as a child and hid behind a false self. You have to accept yourself, be good to yourself, trust yourself. The problem with NPD is that YOU dont exist, thats what makes it so horrifying and recovery so difficult. Discover and nurture the true self, instead of beliving the lies, the excuses.

Its extremely dissapointing becouse you have a lot of posts and been giving advice to many people. I guess it is stupid to come to a forum for NPD and expect empathy. But thats not what I was expecting. Im not an attention whore anymore. Im not posting "insufferable sob stories" to elicit attention. Is that all you took away from it? The imperatives of how the false self operates were the only thing that made me discover my condition.
The two constraints: not to be with the girl I loved at ANY cost and to be infallible were impossible to fullfill, and I discovered I was being lied to. I think its extremely valuable knowledge for anyone trying to understand this condition. Your life consists of two stages: pre and after self awareness.

I have to say seeing my self as a non-self on acid was somewhat traumatizing, while simultaneously believing to be enlightened. The world around sped up, having no inherent meaning and value, and me amidst it like an empty shell just experiencing but having nothing worthwhile to contribute. ######6 harsh. The true reason why psychedelics frighten me.

I wouldn´t insist on self-awareness being a guaranteed change of path. After acid I went back to my program of wanting to be a decent son to my cNPD father and deeply hurt my then girlfriend by neglecting her needs and it all went up in a ###$. I hope she is doing okay but deep down know she that I left her in an absolute wreck of a state. Needless to say, that acid trip did not bring me down off my high horse. I did it while being in that relationship so that probably cushioned the blow to the ego.

What followed afterwards with another sweet girl for a short-term summer crush is what I can now only describe as evil. Felt like I completely played her, just out of this feeling of entitlement to her care and love. Treated this relationship a no-strings attached fooling around for the summer while she was under the impression that it was serious. And it was, but not serious enough for me to cut contact. I dumped her in fear of how deeply I might scar her and in fear of doing something worse, knowing full well how ending the relationship will affect her anyway. And that I have a difficult time reconciling myself with. I try not to dwell on it because it is a highway to suicidal ideation. Sometimes feel like if I attempt to acknowledge the hurt that I´ve caused I will disintegrate under the weight the guilt.

I can relate to seeing oneself as the survivor but self-awareness does not implicate absolute nor in my case, even minimal emotional awareness or willingness to take responsibility.

Tbh, am having a hard time following all of what you´re saying. Had to defer to the DMT nexus post. I understand that you also hurt someone deeply and with no qualms about it but now feel like a piece of $#%^ after the fact.

For what it´s worth, I don´t know you but imagining your situation, I implore you for the fact that you are trying to make sense of all this. And the words you wrote effected me somewhat. I too am tired of feeling ungrateful towards life itself. What your post suggests is that you are currently in something of a between state. Are you thinking steps ahead? Just to hint that more psychedelics might not be the way to go from here.

Acid was fine untill I started using dmt. Then it became scarry. I understand why, the psychodelics made me feel and my false self wouldnt allow that.

After self awareness I applied treatment, feeling out all the negative emotions. I learned empathy threw the photographic memory. There is an emotional corelate to my thoughts now, I think thats a required step for positive change. The dmt was a big help in small ammounts to achieve this. Emotions so intense you puke. The difficult part is over I think. Just dealing with the guilt and nightmare of nonexistence for all my life, but a lot of people did worse things to find this out than hurting a little girls feelings and look stupid.

To be exact I didnt know I was hurting her, didnt exist that she has feelings. My false self took care that I dont find out by ignoring her completely. Its realy ###$ up what it made me do.

You were right akuma. I should have gone to a therapist just to talk to someone about my issues. I understand that would be helpfull now. It was realy lonely