The inner conflict

Sometimes I experience great highs,when I am doing all the things that I... think separate me and make me special, taking care of my body and mind, making money, excelling at work, I feel unstoppable at times, primal, like one of my ancient ancestors from a forgotten time.

Then inevitably something triggers the circle of self destruction, off my perch I fall into the dark abyss where there is only nothingness, nothing is quite real, nothing matters, I like and care about nothing and I know I could never kill myself so I wish I would just cease to exist somehow.

After the dark cloud of doom and self hatred pass and are lifted from me, suddenly I see more possibilities and opportunities that I could not see before, they were hidden from my thoughts by obsessive thoughts of anger and hatred projected out towards all of society. Suddenly the world doesn’t seem like such a brutal kill or be killed affair and I start a new...

Z...

Damn.. I enjoyed reading that.

I like the ancestors bit. To imagine there are a thousand of them running through my veins watching. Imagine the pride they'd feel seeing and being another success just like they. For me that is why having children is so important.

It does make me sad though.. that there are no "roots" for me. I was uprooted culturally like almost everyone in modern day society and even my imaginations about them are stories. Of them riding horses. Hunting and galloping through the steppes and mountains. Who knows maybe it really was like that. Either way that is a simulation.. what's real is physical.

The only proof I have is my physical body and feeling and experiencing that IS the blood and flesh connection. Just feel trapped. Trapped. Like a wild animal caught in a net. The more I struggle the more I get tangled. My adversary isn't even a ferocious fighter. It's a stupid net. The depression and closed offness isn't a sign of weakness. It's trying to maintain that last bit of god damn dignity in the face of a world that demands I be "happy". With what? Having my teeth and claws removed and placed in a soft squishy padded room?

SoloZombie wrote:Sometimes I experience great highs,when I am doing all the things that I... think separate me and make me special, taking care of my body and mind, making money, excelling at work, I feel unstoppable at times, primal, like one of my ancient ancestors from a forgotten time.

Then inevitably something triggers the circle of self destruction, off my perch I fall into the dark abyss where there is only nothingness, nothing is quite real, nothing matters, I like and care about nothing and I know I could never kill myself so I wish I would just cease to exist somehow.

After the dark cloud of doom and self hatred pass and are lifted from me, suddenly I see more possibilities and opportunities that I could not see before, they were hidden from my thoughts by obsessive thoughts of anger and hatred projected out towards all of society. Suddenly the world doesn’t seem like such a brutal kill or be killed affair and I start a new...

Z...

Not sure how helpful or useful a comment like this can be, but what you are describing is in fact not a conflict but a way to avoid conflict. When you are saying like an ancient ancestor this seems like the "typical" identification with some caregiver-ideal. So its only one side of the coin which for some reason gets flipped - by that avoiding conflict / ambivalence about the object. The specifics about this I dont quite get though and they can only be really pinpointed in therapy anyways, I suppose.

I’m not sure Akuma, I tried to capture the essence of the experience but with some creative writing I felt necessary to express. I’m somewhat obsessed with ancient ancestry in general, I think people who live in tough climates off the land such as in Alaska in the US or maybe parts of Russia are the ultimate human experience, I believe we are living in an artificial reality and I understand how hypocritical that is typing this on my smart phone while on the internet, I just think we have lost our way as a species

SoloZombie wrote:I’m not sure Akuma, I tried to capture the essence of the experience but with some creative writing I felt necessary to express. I’m somewhat obsessed with ancient ancestry in general, I think people who live in tough climates off the land such as in Alaska in the US or maybe parts of Russia are the ultimate human experience, I believe we are living in an artificial reality and I understand how hypocritical that is typing this on my smart phone while on the internet, I just think we have lost our way as a species

You seem to be implying "ancestors" had it hard and were in "tough climates", while when you feel like them, you are actually having it rather easy. Or are you saying that the feeling is a constantly triumphant one, like you are constantly winning in a world that you feel is very tough? Then again from another angle I do see that living in places where its either too hot or too cold does resonate with your description of either great high or dark abyss to a degree.

Hmm, I didn’t think of it at such a deep level but I guess there is a sense of being triumphant and thriving in an inhospitable environment. Man vs natural type of a vibe, I suppose I don’t see it as a negative situation, a challenging one perhaps but true to nature.

Hello, my inner conflicts were a nightmare for me. While I was crazy in love with my husband, who suffers from bi polar 1, it was killing me to stay with him. He is in denial, and doing as he always wants, so therefore I had a inner conflict that was killing me. Do I stay to keep him happy? Do I leave to make myself happy? I chose the latter, though it killed me inside to leave. I would have given my eyes out of my head, if my husband sought help and realized he had mental issues. Trust me, I would have stayed by his side forever with treatment, everything! Well, it's sad. I didn't get my wish for my husband to get well, so I had to leave for my own sanity, and health. My heart is torn, I cry in front of my counselor every Tues. morning. My inner conflict was painful. Now I move on and in time, like always, I will heal. Beth

I feel you 100%. It is important to let down the shell of the false ego and really try to mature that inner self. Even though we are 6 years old, if you start now, in 15 years, you'll be 21.