Need some helpful advice please

Pretty sure I have undiagnosed npd for a multitude of reasons. But when I was younger I was dating this girl and it was so good. Sometimes I felt such warmth about her and it cycled back and forth between this and me not being able to stand her. I eventually discarded her because she became too annoying. I went to bed at night thinking about how I am the most amazing person in the world like I’m sent from god for a special mission that makes me better than everyone else. I ended up going to jail for several years because I beat someone up that insulted me. While I was in jail, it seemed like they identified my massive ego and set out to destroy it. It was a non stop barrage of self esteem destroying commentary etc from the staff. So I developed a lot of self awareness during this time. Learned to take the perspective of others. I considered everyone in the jail to be beneath me but then had to accept that I’m one of them. So I got knocked right down off my high horse.

Anyway. I got out and was unbelievably insecure. I felt unlovable. And that I didn’t deserve to be part of society. That I deserved nothing and no one. I isolated myself for a while and it was agonizing. The refocused to accomplish goals, in the pursuit of my grandiosity which I need so bad. I chased these goals relentlessly. Enter girlfriend with BPD. She idealized me, and my ego began to remanifest. I began to feel superior again. And for some reason this worked. My productivity at work sky rocketed. I work in a commission based sales environment, and began to make huge amounts of money. I thought I was so much better than bpdgf. And suddenly I became super desirable to all the women around me who began to chase me. When I got home, it was a war zone of fighting, jealousy, manipulation, triangulation, booze, hot sex, deliberately manipulating others for fun. Things even got violent between the two of us to the point where she called the police on me, but the police ended up arresting and charging her (there were visible signs on my face that I’d been struck). Charges eventually dropped. I dumped her. But I wasn’t done with her, so we kept seeing each other all the time. I don’t need to go into detail about all the events that happened during this time, but it was always a battle for control.

Then the unthinkable happened. She replaced and discarded me, jumped into a relationship with another guy that seems very codependent. But he was a major downgrade over me. Not good looking at all, lives with his parents, drives a rust bucket, makes small income. Basically the complete opposite of me in every way. She’s even brought him up a couple weeks before and I told her that I didn’t see him as a threat because of the aforementioned reasons. I thought that she’d been seeing someone else prior to her starting a relationship with him so I’d love bombed her to prevent it. All that did was make the failure even larger to me. This was the most damaging break up ever. It didn’t end there. We kept having sex behind new guys back. And sending messages back and forth. Things got out of hand. It turned into a psychological war. Because I sought revenge. I triangulated her with other better looking women. Said terrible things to her. And she had a complete melt down. So did I.

I have actually had to practice no contact with the ex. The most addictive relationship I have ever experienced. She drained me and became the narcissist. Everything became about her. She turned into a completely different person. It’s like we switched. I became weak. I eventually started pretending that I was completely over it and giving her nothing. The truth is, I plot revenge every single day for when she re-emerges. I’ve been seeing a therapist for 6 months now. Who started out diagnosing me with PTSD, then after learning more gave me a soft BPD diagnosis. I don’t tell her what I think of my disorder because I prefer her to draw her own conclusions. Although I can understand how she came to that conclusion based on the conversations we had. I never self harmed. I do need huge quantities of validation and am unable to generate it internally.

I pretty much have a new girlfriend. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. She’s a really nice person. I feel like I really don’t care about her though. Realistically, she’s better in every way than my ex. I look out and some of my friends have hotter girlfriends. I feel like I’m going to use this girl as a spring board. I can’t be alone though and need someone while I find someone better. Ugh Why am I so messed up?

Jonn555 wrote:I pretty much have a new girlfriend. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. She’s a really nice person. I feel like I really don’t care about her though. Realistically, she’s better in every way than my ex. I look out and some of my friends have hotter girlfriends. I feel like I’m going to use this girl as a spring board. I can’t be alone though and need someone while I find someone better. Ugh Why am I so messed up?

Show her this thread.

Sounds like a typical case of lacking identity and seeking outside validation, and feeling you're only as good as the person you're with so if you continue to strive for better then that makes you "better"

Also why are you so messed up? Well, did you suffer any childhood emotional and/or physical abuse? What are your parents like?