Has anybody here come to accept that they aren't special?

A while back I came to realise that I thought I was special (due to intelligence). I came to this realisation by taking a long hard look at my thoughts (most of which I was deeply uncomfortable with) and making the connection that they were all generated by my hidden/subconscious belief that I was special. I realised I was probably a narcissist, and went to visit my therapist. He was not treating me for narcissism but for depression, and it turned out that he almost certainly did know that I was a narcissist ("I did suspect" he said..). In that session we went through the diagnostic criteria and it was evident that I was indeed NPD.

So when I realised that I thought I was special, I immediately realised the obvious truth that I wasn't, and within two hours of obsessing about it I started having many unusual experiences, and painful realisations and regrets. I started to develop a new side of my intuition (eg. sympathy) and found myself no longer holding grudges I had held onto for a long time. I felt that I saw people as they were for the first time, in a sensitive way seeing their vulnerability; their faces looked different to me, with big eyes and pink cheeks. I realised I had always felt a sinister danger whenever I looked at people, even ones I liked. Music started sounding different to me, with a depth and detail it didn't usually have. It was like being on MDMA. These effects lasted strongly for two weeks but are still around in a subtle way.

I could go on for a long time about these things, but I wanted to know if anybody else has come to actually believe they aren't special, after thinking that they were. And if not, what has been blocking or stopping you; or if you have even tried.

It's been a kind of lonely road for me, especially since even my therapist didn't seem to have much faith in me before. This new way of connecting with people I have discovered has been helping me a lot however.

Yes, actually today it happened to me.
I realized I've seen myself as a GOD until today so I came here to see if anyone else had that same experience to and to learn about what might be coming my way and your post was very interesting.

I feel really happy having made this discovery because I've never been able to feel true gratitude when getting compliments from people as I've always seen myself to entitled to all the praise in the world.

It has also made me feel depressed.

But this might be a big shift for me.

Very excited about what might come from this.

That's interesting.

That one isn't god doesn't mean that one isn't special, unique, important.

I think i had to go through some way like that.

Another aspect I find interesting is that before this realization I was not satisfied and had an unsatisfied feeling in the background at all times.

On top of my career about 10 years ago my NPD was at it's peak/worst and I was very satisfied because the outer world reflected my belief in being a god but when my career faded I always felt it wasn't enough and that I was entitled to more.

But I also now realized than I'm actually not entitled to anything at all. No success, no love, no praise, no nothing.

I AM WORTHY of all those things as a human being but NOT ENTITLED to any of it.

That's a huge difference to me.

I'm used to be a disappointed god but I'm now an amazing human being.

With me there's an absolute conviction that I am special. And watching people back away from me when I invariably get the better of them, only adds to that conviction. This thing is permenant. It's pre programmed. It's hard wired.

-- Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:08 pm --

With me there's an absolute conviction that I am special. And watching people back away from me when I invariably get the better of them, only adds to that conviction. This thing is permenant. It's pre programmed. It's hard wired.

NoLongeraGOD wrote:I'm used to be a disappointed god but I'm now an amazing human being.

That's nice

MeAgain wrote:With me there's an absolute conviction that I am special.

Me too

Philonoe wrote:

NoLongeraGOD wrote:I'm used to be a disappointed god but I'm now an amazing human being.

That's nice

Yes, it actually is

I've learned how to do effective self-talk through the years so I ask myself questions and get answers from what seem to be my subconscious/unconscious.

I asked myself if I was entitled to some specific thing(can't remember what it was) and I got the answer: Yes.

So I asked - Why am I entitled to this?

And the answer was - Because I'm a god

I then asked myself(inspired by Noah Elkrief) - Am I 100% sure that that thought is true? (me being a god)

And then I deliberately put doubts to that fact as the answer like - "I'm not sure, if I was a god I'd probablt have never faltered in my career? And wouldn't I be worshipped by everyone? And wouldn't I be all powerful? And would I ever feel sad?" etc.

And I go on questioning again "So AM I then sure that thought is a 100% true? (me being a god)" and the answer that comes then is "No, probably not."

And that's how I became human again

Very simple but extremely effective for me.

Not sure if you know about a now deceased psychologist called Morty Lefkoe who figured out that our beliefs about anything are only there if we're 100% convinced of them without a doubt. If you then deliberately plant doubt about those beliefs accuracy they loosen up and go away or at least lessens a lot in power.

That's what has inspired me to think like this.

Well considering humanity is a steaming trash heap, it’s pretty hard for me not to feel special or rather better than the heap. I don’t really need to be a god, just a pair of wings and a bow and arrow that shoots lightning would due just fine.

I believe at my core that I'm special. I know part of it is biological—narcissism is the most heritable personality trait, according to research, and my dad certainly has signs of it.

I was also always treated specially as a kid, not just by my parents but by people around us. (Or maybe this is just my warped perception as a result of NPD... The whole thing is so confusing.) They talked about how smart, charming, cute, etc. I was.

So who's to say I'm wrong?

I also simultaneously believe that I'm unworthy of love, affection, or other people's sexual interest.

So yeah, whatever I have does a seriously crazy-making number on my head...

covertunsure wrote:I believe at my core that I'm special. I know part of it is biological—narcissism is the most heritable personality trait, according to research, and my dad certainly has signs of it.

I was also always treated specially as a kid, not just by my parents but by people around us. (Or maybe this is just my warped perception as a result of NPD... The whole thing is so confusing.) They talked about how smart, charming, cute, etc. I was.

So who's to say I'm wrong?

I also simultaneously believe that I'm unworthy of love, affection, or other people's sexual interest.

So yeah, whatever I have does a seriously crazy-making number on my head...

I haven't seen any of these traits in my family personally.

As for the treated like I'm special I had the exact same as you. By parents, grandparents etc.

I think they did us a great disservice by doing it even though it was out of love of course.

"I also simultaneously believe that I'm unworthy of love, affection, or other people's sexual interest."

So where do you think that twist comes from? I've always felt entitled to everything I wanted. When I've had it I've felt great and my "I'm a god" feeling was reinforced and when I haven't had it I've felt varying levels of miserable/depressed.