Hunter or prey?

With regards to romance, do you prefer to chase or be chased?

Do you feel like this is a personality thing or a person thing? I’m BPD and neither but I’ve noticed NPD’s are keen on this. Meet someone and have sex - it’s best right then and there - hoping to never see them again. Meet someone and go on dates, weekends away, meet the family, get married, have kids, and watch $#%^ tv together. I prefer both.

-- Fri May 11, 2018 6:41 pm --

Do you feel like this is a personality thing or a person thing? I’m BPD and neither but I’ve noticed NPD’s are keen on this. Meet someone and have sex - it’s best right then and there - hoping to never see them again. Meet someone and go on dates, weekends away, meet the family, get married, have kids, and watch $#%^ tv together. I prefer both.

Mumatthebeach wrote:I’m BPD and neither but I’ve noticed NPD’s are keen on this. Meet someone and have sex - it’s best right then and there - hoping to never see them again.

Well, I don't know about other NPDs, but I don't do this. I'm kind of particular about who I let touch me. Yeah, I've had a few one night stands - and I never wanted to see them again. But those are more the exception.

I don’t know how to answer this really.

I’m extremely poor at approaching women.

Consequently I’m reliant on either women approaching me or meeting them through alternative means. I do alright with the opposite sex because while I suck at initiating contact I do the next stages very well.

It’s closer to manning than a chase. The concept of chase makes me think of some sort of sport actually. I guess I chase rather than being chased but it’s an extremely subtle chase.

I have always chased but I won’t lie I like an aggressive female too. I’ve had a few over the years.

Quoth wrote:It’s closer to manning than a chase.

^I got stuck right here. What do you mean by "manning"?

I'm thinking of "manned" and "unmanned" flights......is that what you mean by manning? You've equipped the process with your person?

Or maybe more like an operator....like manning the pumps?

The way you describe yourself you almost sound like an accidental romantic.

ZombieZ wrote:I have always chased but I won’t lie I like an aggressive female too. I’ve had a few over the years.

That chick in the video looked pretty aggressive. Just teasing, Z.

Mmm, I suppose identification with hunter is my first instinct but having someone need, crave and chase back is where things end so perhaps that's the end goal. Maybe I chase so flip the dynamic to what I really want.

I think if we're talking purely about relationship dynamics I want there to be sparring for control rather than have control or not (maybe? I'm not sure I don't like not being in control so I contradict myself here).

The thing is, once they give up themselves I don't like it. Using a narc framework, maybe I devalue after that. I won, got what I wanted, and got bored. Ideally one wouldn't be 'conquered' by the other so we'd be on equal terms. That's my idealised fantasy long term relationship.

Contrast wrote:I think if we're talking purely about relationship dynamics I want there to be sparring for control rather than have control or not (maybe? I'm not sure I don't like not being in control so I contradict myself here).

The thing is, once they give up themselves I don't like it. Using a narc framework, maybe I devalue after that. I won, got what I wanted, and got bored. Ideally one wouldn't be 'conquered' by the other so we'd be on equal terms. That's my idealised fantasy long term relationship.

This is exactly what I was trying to describe in the "Sex" thread (prior to derailment), but you've articulated it way better than I did.

Not sure how to make the dynamic work in a durable relationship, though. It seems there is either perpetual chase or inevitable devaluation.

It's when you see relationships as a zero sum game, then it becomes about black and white thinking and about winning or control, then the devaluation is inevitable, since you don't want to associate with a looser. In other words, it is self-defeating in a roundabout way. Better way to approach might be to grow and walk together, or at least that is how I see it possibly working long term if one wants that.

Kimera wrote:^I got stuck right here. What do you mean by "manning"?

I'm thinking of "manned" and "unmanned" flights......is that what you mean by manning? You've equipped the process with your person?

Or maybe more like an operator....like manning the pumps?

The way you describe yourself you almost sound like an accidental romantic.

Sorry this ones a side effect of my ‘rural’ upbringing.

Manning is the process through which a falconer or austringer acclimatises a raptor. It’s an extremely subtle and orchestrated form of persuasion.