Hunter or prey?

ZombieZ wrote:LOl sparkly is that a cute nickname for an ex?

I call him a Sparkly because he oozes charisma and charm. It was meant to be more cheeky than cute. As an aside, I'm pretty sure my therapist suspects Sparkly is a sociopath.

ZombieZ wrote: I don’t really get the dynamic you guys are talking about to be honest this push pull thing. My general approach is if I’m interested and I think she is interested I pursue her if I don’t get some feedback that I like I move on, kind of like who the hell does she think she is I can do better anyway. If she’s playing hard to get but I am getting some good vibes off her than that is different

So you never made a concerted effort to 'break through the resistance' to get someone you were interested in?

Concerted effort to break through resistance yes.. if we just met and I feel she is acting like an A-hole I will just assume she is and I would have no desire to pursue her at all.

Kimera wrote:

Eight wrote:But to have a back-and-forth of dominance as well as reliance, and sweetness, and strength, and vulnerability, and protection, and fierceness, and more - where both parties get to do any piece of it at any given time - not to conquer the other, but in healthy competition and mutual dependence towards bettering each other - that is bliss. And it fosters the growth of both people.

It sounds lovely, Eight. I don't know anyone irl who has a relationship that sounds as symbiotic as yours. Don't ever let him go.
Maybe I've surrounded myself with disordered people - but even my friends who I'm sure are not disordered have not been able to find the kind of relationship you've described.

I had quite a few relationships that weren't like this before I found this relationship, Kimera. This is the result of knowing myself (now) pretty well, both the good and the bad and the ugly, and learning how to adjust to and be with another person without giving myself away or requiring him to change for me. I had to practice that - I wrecked myself and others more than once, before I agreed that what I was doing wasn't working. It takes time - why does everything of value take so much time? And it takes the ability to adjust and be flexible, something those with PD's aren't known for. I ruined several early relationships by insisting on things being my way. Or losing interest in the other person when the early sparks calmed down to embers - my desire for excitement wasn't balanced by finding satisfaction in peace as well.

I was advised to just live with my husband. But we married instead. There's a feeling of commitment that settles the issue. It counters both of our tendencies to want to be top dog - the feeling of being a team is a good one for both of us and puts a framework around us that, within it, allows us to explore ourselves more fully than if we were concerned that the other might skip out the door at any moment. There's something to be said for willingly grounding yourself. And to hunt, and be hunted, within the confines of a committed relationship. It seems like a paradox to find that freedom exists within limitations.

Kimera wrote:Sparkly not only didn't appreciate my cat's affection, he thought my cat disliked him intensely and was snuggling with him deliberately to keep him away from me. He believed he was in competition with my cat

I dated someone years ago who was jealous of my dogs. He actually felt like the attention that I gave to them, in his presence, somehow reduced the attention that I gave to him - as if there was a fixed quantity of caring, and I was giving a disproportionate share of a limited commodity to a dog. I tried to tell him that there was enough for everyone, be they dog or man. I still saw his competition with, and jealousy of, my dogs. It wasn't pretty, and I knew right there that there wouldn't be enough caring in the world to fill that guy's empty place inside.

Eight wrote:This is the result of knowing myself (now) pretty well, both the good and the bad and the ugly, and learning how to adjust to and be with another person without giving myself away or requiring him to change for me.

Of course, knowing yourself well is a prerequisite for any healthy relationship. This is where pwPDs are doomed to fail. Lack of awareness, lack of ability to see one's self clearly. Unless your partner is exceedingly patient and comes equipped with extra thick skin, it's all going to fall apart eventually.

Awareness helps, but how much? Remains to be seen. My brain is wired this way; the PD is not a mask that can be removed at will, but an exoskeleton that is fused to my whole being. Neuroplasticity is real, though, and changes in the brain and in the personality are possible. I'm just not sure how much.

I think for me to attempt a normal relationship I would need my partner to know about the PD, and be willing to work with me on the $#%^ that comes with it. Which means I would need to trust someone enough to share that information.....

I think for me to attempt a normal relationship I would need my partner to know about the PD, and be willing to work with me on the $#%^ that comes with it. Which means I would need to trust someone enough to share that information.....

I have this problem too. I don't have a pd but generally

Lots of people shouldn't be trusted, maybe most people. I mean not trusted with the more sensitive or private aspects of yourself. That's what good boundaries are for.

I think pwPDs are poor choosers of people who are trustworthy. They're there but they're rare. Seems like some people, given the difficulty of finding trustworthy people, opt for not trusting anyone at all.

Is one reason for that because pwPDs don't actually trust themselves?

I’m not the person to be giving relationship advice, actually the only reason im in therapy at all is I’m pretty much in the same boat but I would have to say that the fact you are self aware and willing to work on things puts you at an advantage over most other people with pds

Eight wrote:Lots of people shouldn't be trusted, maybe most people. I mean not trusted with the more sensitive or private aspects of yourself. That's what good boundaries are for.

I think pwPDs are poor choosers of people who are trustworthy. They're there but they're rare. Seems like some people, given the difficulty of finding trustworthy people, opt for not trusting anyone at all.

Is one reason for that because pwPDs don't actually trust themselves?

Yes,i feel nons or more healthy in relationships individuals are not fed up of getting hurt so don't mind trying more.
Is not that big deal for them .most people they knew in their lives where trust worthy.so if they meet one different is ok.
When i joined the forum someone told me something similar

Eight wrote:I think pwPDs are poor choosers of people who are trustworthy.

Are people with PDs poor choosers, or do trustworthy people intuitively steer clear of pwPDs?

Eight wrote:Is one reason for that because pwPDs don't actually trust themselves?

Hmm, that got some synapses firing. This question may be a good topic on its own.

I'm mulling over the question but would love to hear more about your thoughts on this, Eight. Sounds like you've got some hypotheses.

Contrast wrote:Extraversion traits are easy. How do we fix conscientiousness?

I don't believe you can fix any of them, they are different temperaments. At least it is the idea.