Am I a Narcissist?

I'm a 21 year old male who needs help. I believe the trauma I received as a child from my mother turned me into a narcissist. (im pretty certain im a narc please read)

I remember at a very young age (2-3 years old) the physical abuse itself I don't think was that bad (Mainly threats and screaming / hit across the face when she was very angry) but I was always punished for reasons which didn't make sense at all but I was very young to recall. I remember a very brief stage before the Narc wound that I would try my absolute best to please my mother but everything I did she would still lash out at me. It was the pain of being rejected and neglected. and I didnt have enough to time to recover from being hurt. (e.g if it would happen weekly instead of every couple of days I think I might have been ok) The defining hit she gave one time I cried as always, but I felt extreme rage and then when she left the room I felt different. Very strange I felt the same but something didnt feel right from that point on. I felt empty and just dead on the inside, containing this anger within. I thought to myself One day when i'm stronger than you I will give you the amount of pain you caused me thats what my life purpose is. This Is what my 3 year old self thought I couldn't really understand but those are the strong emotions I felt basically I want revenge. there was never communication between my mother and I unless it was around other people she would be affectionate towards me. So all the 'love' and affection I felt was all fake.
She also was openly suicidal and I remember her crying on her knees in front of me (being suicidal). I felt guilty, bad and ashamed, I didn't know what to do. But one thing she would do when after she'd hurt me she would cry and say sorry and told me how special I am. I would get this overwhelming spine chilling buzz across my body when I was told How special I was when my mother hugged me. I endured all this pain but it was worth it because I’m special.

Going into school I was very shy and quiet. I was always a loner. I remember around age 5-6 in Year 1 / Grade 1 in school all the other kids in class would get along and talk to each other I couldn't understand It didn't make sense, I didn't know how to integrate myself with the other kids. when moving on from this point I felt I needed to stay at this age because I still felt like I was behind everyone else in terms of social and emotional development. I felt empty. The only time I felt alive was when I got affection or validation, I was Hyper aware of the environment for it and this feeling is what drives me. When there's none there I just feel dead.

I think the only reason I had 'friends' back then was because I was a very good looking kid so despite my anti-social behaviour I had kids that gave me attention. It was through this I eventually could have my own source of supply, so school was bearable. I felt an enormous amount of buzz when some kids would fight to play with me. I felt wanted.

I've been a covert narc for so long feeding of peoples guilt and playing the victim but now starting to emerge as grandiose narc (I believe the divide between covert and grandiose is all down to Looks)



Ive never had a GF before. When I talk to girls i like and I have this feeling she might love me, something takes over me and I give an extremely demonic psycho stare which I cant hold back no matter how hard I try, very intimidating and ruins all attraction a girl would've had for me. This does not happen when I talk to women I don't like.
During this phase Im prone to feeling abandoned If a girl diverts attention from me instantly I loose interest and boil with rage. She has to give me attention constantly or I’ll need to be able to have enough supply in the tank to deal with such a blow.

I can fake a good personality its not hard when you have supply available. Depending on how I feel my personality can change to the situation at hand. Its very easy to act charming you just have to channel the energy of being under threat like your life depends on it into the situation. Emotions come out easily. And it becomes effortless to charm.

I’ve been to many therapists who don’t think I’m a narc and just think I’m good guy and need to 'go out more', but they don't understand I’ve had the fake friends going out etc. its energy depleting unless i'm constantly in the spotlight. I hate the dynamic with therapist and how they feel superior to you, your opening up all your thoughts to them which they could use against you. its always a lose lose situation and the way they make money off it is enough to make me not go.

I’m sick of wearing my ego on my sleeve and being vulnerable for attack 24/7, I feel so much pain. I have to hide behind this mask 24/7 and If the real me shows through somehow everything around me just runs from me but im the one that’s scared im the victim.

I think my barrier to love and normalcy is understanding the childhood trauma and somehow overcoming it.

At least you recognize the problem areas.

No one here would know any better than a therapist who's seen you in real time, but if you can relate to the conversations going on in here, then why don't you just stay.

Post honestly, and reread what you write, say, every month. Rereading posts is something i've never done, and have thought about doing, but i'm so all over the place that sometimes i can't even relate to things i said in the past.

Anyway, sorry no one replied to this earlier. Feel free to come back and figure out the meaning of life with us.

Maybe so, maybe not.

A better question than "am a a narcissist?" might be "do I have issues with empathy, stability of image, grandiosity, and attention seeking?" Think about that for yourself.

Contrary to what the other poster said, many therapist are quite incompetent when it comes to the diagnosis and treatment of NPD and other personality disorders/traits. So, if you think your current therapist isn't hearing you and your concerns accurately, maybe voice those opinions to him/her first, then jump ship and find another one, if your concerns are still not heard.

Just my thoughts.

According to the OP, he has already been to many therapists. Jumping ship is exactly what he's already done. I was simply saying people in the real world can help more so than people online.

Great post, other wise.

I guess that’s true! And if narcissism really is the problem jumping from therapist to therapist can probably end up making things worse.

I guess one question is, do you view these things (self-centeredness, grandiosity, low empathy, etc.) as bad or anxiety provoking? As flaws/problems rather than strengths? One way or the other, this may be good to chat about with your therapist.

Also...
Do you know if any of your current or past therapists are trained in DBT or Schema therapy? Or otherwise have experience with NPD? If so, they may have some good points. But if not, you may want to mention these methods or look to see if a therapist in your area provides these services, as they’ll often be much better at picking up on PD traits. Having said that, I do hope things pan out with your current therapist.

Hi JRM4

You didn't say anything to make me think you're a Narcissist.
Do you abuse people? Do you think you are special?

Seems like an attachment issue. Our mother teaches us how to love others, and ourselves. Our attachment with our mother as a baby and young child gives us a blueprint for bonding throughout the rest of our lives.

Many of us developed a poor attachment with our mother. In fact, I don't think people treat babies nicely in our culture. Your mother was very abusive and I'm so sorry for that.

You seem too honest with yourself to be a Narcissist. Thinking you're one, and seeking therapists, isn't something a Narcissist would do. I think you just suffer from low self-esteem, confusion and lack of trust.

Anyway, I've read that people who had a poor attachment with their mother can learn to love and bond, from having a loving relationship. I hope you will experience this and learn about yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Please message me for anything.