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Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

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Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby black_batwings » Mon Mar 19, 2018 6:36 pm

Hi,


I was wondering if any other daughter of a narc mom experiences this exact same thing.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been using a specific game to upset me to the point of a total mental meltdown. These “crashes” happened many times, and every time, once again, I thought “oh well,, don’t take it too hard, this time is will be different.” It obviously played out the same way again: us arguing, she insulting me, me going haywire and losing it completely. It usually took me a few days to recover from an incident like this, sometimes I called in sick.

It’s only during the past few years that I started to understand the reasons behind this game, since I figured her out as being extremely narcissistic.


It all goes like this.


Our relationship functions in phases (or used to function, since I broke almost all contact with her). First she contacts me being very nice and extremely interested in my life (usually she doesn’t give a sh#t about my life). Then she suggests a meet-up or says she will join me for an event that is important to me, like a dance show I participated in, or my birthday. Or she invites me over and tells me she would cook for me. She is the nicest, most normal mom you can imagine. She talks in detail about the upcoming meeting or event. What she will wear, what she will cook, what she will buy. Of course I’m happy that finally my mom is part of my life!

Then she cancels the event, sometimes even on the same day. She uses some lame excuse like a mild medical issue like a cold or she even has the guts to tell me that she can’t leave the house because she is waiting for the mailman and therefore can’t meet me for my birthday.

I go insane, fall into a rage, can’t understand what’s going on, feel hurt, discarded like a piece of garbage. She yells and me, calls me ungrateful and what not. Then we go silent for months, until she contacts me again like nothing ever happened.

This game repeated over and over again. Somehow she always managed to trap me once more and play me all over again. It’s only during recent past that I simply ignore her invitations and false suggestions. Now she became almost silent, like I don’t exist.

Anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with it? How can I ever fully accept that my mom hates me and my only existence is to be used a toy for her sadistic moves?
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Mumatthebeach » Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:35 pm

Hey, lots of love to you! My mom is a narc and does not do this mainly because I live and have always tried to live as far away from her as possible! And I didn’t even plan it! So, here it is - your mom loves you deep down in the mess that she is. If she is a narc, then her wires are all crossed and she doesn’t feel it like nons do. So, when she cancels, she might be really worried about the mailman, etc, in her mind, or she might be subconsciouly unable to bond with you, so she tries but last minute she just can’t, or she is just a sadistic crazy person.

What can you do to set boundaries and get piece of mind? I learned as a kid that when my
mom rages at me, I rage back louder and then go no contact. Then I ask her specifically for what I need from her when I reestablish contact again. She has no idea what I’m talking about but goes along with it as she wants her daughter and granddaughters in her life. It really does help to do everything on skype or over the phone. I always ask for practical things and I avoid emotional stuff as she just starts and ends by yelling, so she’s not a good go to. We usually talk about the weather - she loves it.

Finally, are you sure your mom is a narc and not a psychopath?
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Kimera » Sat Apr 07, 2018 2:13 am

Nons see behavior like this as a "tactic", as your thread title suggests. I don't know your mom, so this may or may not be relevant.

When I do stuff like this -- cancel plans at last minute, it's because of something going on with me. My ability or willingness to share myself in that moment. Yes, I am callous because I'm not considering the impact on others. But my intent isn't to mess with others - it's to protect myself.
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Eight » Sat Apr 07, 2018 2:32 am

Kimera, do you do this repeatedly with the same people, and with various types of commitments?
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Kimera » Sat Apr 07, 2018 2:56 am

Eight wrote:Kimera, do you do this repeatedly with the same people, and with various types of commitments?

Over time with the same people - but in between I'll accept invitations and actually show up.

Type of commitments.....I hadn't thought about it before. I've blown off engagement parties, weddings, birthday parties, retirement parties......

Last year my mother stopped talking to me because I didn't make it to her significant other's milestone birthday party. And I have a really good relationship with him. I just didn't want to go.

I'm making a concerted effort to change this now. If I make a commitment, I'm all in.
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Eight » Sat Apr 07, 2018 3:33 am

I am similar, Kimera. Though the things I would cancel on were usually bigger social events; I don't enjoy those. I rarely cancelled on 1:1 events, though I did that too if I just couldn't do it or I didn't like the person's company.

What worked for me was to tell the truth to myself. Think about what kinds of things I was willing to attend, and what things I always avoided... and who I wanted to be with, and who I avoided.

Then I started saying "No". I just didn't accept things that didn't fit my idea of what I'm willing to put myself out for, and those things that I'd found have a low-enjoyment factor for me.

I lost some friends. But I took the time to explain to those who were most important to me - most accepted what I had to say, though few seemed to genuinely understand. No matter.

When I had breathing space of this sort, I found that the few things I actually accepted and committed too, didn't feel so onerous. Because they now felt like a choice I'd made and not some empty obligation.

I rarely cancel now. Because of that, the few times that I do, are excused by others because I don't have a pattern of cancelling any longer.
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Re: Cancelling events as a narc tactic from Mom

Postby Kimera » Sat Apr 07, 2018 12:12 pm

I assume it’s part of the disorder, chronically overestimating your ability to deliver on something, including a social commitment.

Awareness helps but the tendency is still there.
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