Questions about Family situations from Nons

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Hi all,

I'm new here and still learning- please feel free to move this to the 'family page' if this is needed. Just thought I might get some good info here.

I believe my Dad has got narcissistic tendencies, and undoubtedly other mental health disorders too.
We walk on egg shells around him as any perceived slight could trigger his full wrath. This can be anything from being abusive, to his favourite punishment, “The Silent Treatment.” He can also be highly sarcastic and nasty, and if he know you have a sensitive spot will really go for it.
The silent treatment really does not work on me anymore, as I moved out ten years ago and can really take him or leave him. I think that because he does not have any control over me he basically is on his better behaviour around me.
This year, he was angry because early on Christmas Eve, my mum decided to go to the shops early, around 8am and believed he was still asleep. Later, when they discussed this, Dad went totally mental when Mum said, “You were still asleep when I went to the shops.”
This made Dad very angry, because in fact, he was “dozing.” (Not asleep, just ‘dozing.’)
Because of this, Dad hasn’t spoken to mum for days. When the rest of our (oblivious) family arrived for Christmas lunch, dad said hello but didn’t look up from his book. He didn’t sit at the table with us, instead reading at the couch. During Christmas lunch, he interrupted us all to come and get a breadroll from the table, making a big performance about putting butter on it before taking it and returning to the couch to eat alone. The rest of the family was obviously very uncomfortable but didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t bought anyone gifts, but accepted many gifts off multiple family members without even saying thank you.
This behaviour is all basically because my mother dared to use what he perceived to be the wrong term to describe the correct level of his wakefulness.
I am not an expert in any mental disorders, and I am sure that he is eligible for many!!
I don’t think he would meet all of the characteristics for narcissism, and please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I feel he meets some.
I am quite sure he has depression, and probably ptsd. He is ex-military, and was in a horrific motor bike accident when I was very young. He has extensive health issues as a result. He has a gambling addiction too. While these things are not easy, I believe his personality
Theres really nothing anyone can do, as I don’t think he is open to any sort of support. My concern is more for my mum, as she is stuck with this crazy irrational tyrant.
When he is not in his bizarre bad moods, he can actually be very pleasant and helpful. These bad moods strike suddenly, without warning and for no logical reason. He has lots of issues at work, and is always complaining about how stupid this or that co-worker is and what he has to deal with.
My younger brother is properly psychologically messed up too, and obviously this sort of upbringing has had an impact. He is making really silly life choices and has zero interpersonal skills. It’s so sad, seeing this all play out and being reasonably helpless.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far  If you have any input I’m happy to hear it!

Hi Butterfly, Sorry for what you're going through. Sounds like a narcissistic curmudgeon. I think the real way to tell a NPD narcissist is by how utterly depleted and dazed/confused/flustered their closest family members are.

Wishing you a good year ahead!

Hi and thank you word shaker for you response!

There is a lot of things going on with him at the moment and I have decided to see a counsellor myself for some strategies to cope with this stuff. Unfortunately, I can't make either my mum or dad seek help although it would be highly beneficial. The counsellor I saw said based on my descriptions he could match having borderline personality disorder, not narcissism. I am fairly hung up on having a label, because it will help me to have something to research and understand. Unfortunately, without him getting assessed properly I'll never know. I am just worried that a disaster is imminent as he seems very unhinged at the moment.

I hope you have a great year ahead too

butterflysj wrote:Hi all,

he was angry because early on Christmas Eve, my mum decided to go to the shops early, around 8am and believed he was still asleep. Later, when they discussed this, Dad went totally mental when Mum said, “You were still asleep when I went to the shops.

I would become more upset if an earlier incident had upset me, and then when it was discussed I was told I was doing something that I did not think I was doing, ***and*** I was being told my supposed actions were being used to justify the incident.

A question arises here which you could put to you father. If he is asleep or appears to be asleep is it OK to wake him up? Where importantly, because he appears, to you, to be angry 'sometimes', you are not wanting to experience him being angry with you. Could he understand what is being explained to him or is just too irrational to understand that?

After all, if your parents are still married just how irrational can he be? Can you talk to him or is it just impossible? Much depends on how you talk to him, where blaming him must surely provoke him.

Hi Im new on the forum & wondered if anyone can advise...
We have a 17y/o daughter who for several years now we have noticed she doesn't show empathy or express concern or interest for others in the family. She is totally self focused and does not appear to consider how her wants / demands might affect others be it plans or inconvenience.
Ive noticed other make reference to walking on egg shells and this is now the saddening norm in our home.
Most conversations somehow turn onto how she 'needs' something or how we her parents have 'failed' to deliver on passing suggestions.
What is also extremely concerning is how her recall of situations frequently differs hugely from what really happened -thankfully im not a single parent as if I was I would be questioning my sanity.
She appears not to have the ability to reflect on situations and offer an apology which worries me and has done for some time as she truly believes she is always the one in the right.
She refuses to do anything at all from walk the dog, washing up, clean her room or lies that she has done things which blatantly has not been done eg feeding the dog whilst we went away.
Occasionally she has thrown cushions or small items like pens when the blind anger strikes but today it has escalated to smashing a plate and saying at least it wasn't aimed at you! (we have never thrown anything in anger)
There is no chance she would consider counselling (we offered this a number of years ago and as she doesn't have an issued its who we have made her? it was blankly refused) at the age of 17 what else can we do.

Any help or advice would be hugely appreciated as we are worried what will happen next - as far as we know in college shes progressing well but does seem to rotate around different groups of friends which we are wondering if this may be linked to similar self focused/importance behaviour.

Look forward to hearing from you

Hi, Charlie,
You may receive the following standard types of disclaimers:
- 17 is too young to class disorders
- 17 is peak for end of adolescent egocentrism and beginning of a different form of early adulthood egocentrism https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentrism

I am in a similar situation. But our daughter was gentle, kind and considerate, waking one day in the full blown stage you describe. "No, I'm not cleaning my room/feeding the cat/washing dishes/taking the dirty dishes out from under the bed/whatever. You shoudn't have gone away for the weekend if you wanted the cat fed.You adopted the cat 15 years ago, not me."

You may want to go to individual counseling for yourself. At this period, it is important that you not stop steering the ship through the storm. There is a beautiful day waiting, but you don't want to sink the ship or have anyone jump off because they think their chances are better in the pounding surf than on your ship.

I cant figure out how to respond to replies but the quote from word shaker is exactly the words and condition I'm looking for help with ..dazed and confused.. I am!

Hello

This is my first post ever this site is great there’s a lot of good information I realized this week that my daughter has narcissistic traits and very well could be in NPD she is 23 years old has lived on her own for five years is a full-time college student and employee she works very hard and she let you know it every day but that’s not it she can talk about how great she is all she wants but when she disappoint you and feels on a commitment and you show your disappointment she emotionally verbally abuses attacks it’s horrible it’s demeaning she chops down your character she does this to me my husband and her two brothers she’s absolutely brutal and cruel simply because you called her out on something- she snaps to the point of having a tantrum

When she was a teenager we thought it was anger management issue - we would ground her and she would call the police - we would set boundaries she went to court to get into a foster home - when she found Out she couldn’t use her phone in foster care she decided not to go the day she moved out was the day peace came into my life

She has minimal friends either they aren’t going anywhere in their lives and don’t live up to her standards she talks down people it’s horrible the rest of the family acknowledges these traits

We help her financially when we can and treat her to trips here and there but quite honestly I’m done I am caring for my elderly parents I don’t need to be treated like a dog when I work 60+ hours a week and do whatever I can to help and listen to her constant complaints about work managers and her constant ailments which are all cured by the weekend

I’m tired I don’t know what to do I am going to counseling To help with depression we have told her when she wants to find help we will be there - after her explosive rants simply because we asked for a simple apology and be accountable for her actions - she tells us to grow up but if the shoe was on the other foot you would never hear the end of it

Getting so old

This is my first time to this forum, great so far.

My mother has not been formally diagnosed as NPD but she exhibits all of the traits.

I am trying to get some feedback on how to handle a situation where my mother forgets my sons birthdays. I am confused about what I should do. Should I remind her of their birthdays or just let it be? She lives a state away, only sees them a few times a year, never calls, I always have to call her to get the boys on phone with her.

Should I let her find out later that she forgot her grandsons birthdays? Is it I my responsibility as a parent to remind her? She even forgets my birthday on occasion.

Has any one run into this and if so, what do you do?

Thank you and advance