Questions about Family situations from Nons

My mother is kinda same with my dad. She is 63 years old even not that old to be taken care of but she is making my fathers life hell whenever he wants to go out for any reason. Her therapist says JUST DONT BUY IT.

You have gotta live your own life and you do not have to feel guilty because you spare some of your time for yourself.

I also did several exercises talking to my inner child and telling my inner child that she cannot be responsible of the healing of your parents. Yes you can be an adult care taker for your parent but you cannot be the healer.

Best,

Roxie

Hi guys, I'm looking for some advice here on handling a family situation.

My mother has no formal diagnosis (because she does not want one), but she clearly, according to more than one person, meets at least 8 out of the 9 required traits for NPD. She also meets quite a few of the criteria for ASPD, although not quite enough of them to reach a diagnosis there. She also has a pretty wide sadistic streak. I think that she's a pretty strong candidate to be called a malignant narcissist. I didn't have a word for what was different about her from other mothers until about two months ago, but I've known something was different for a really long time. She spent most of my childhood gaslighting, manipulating, and isolating me. I've done enough work on myself that I know this is because of the way SHE grew up, but that doesn't mean that I need to let her abuse me. The cycle stops with me.

Anyway, when I discovered the name for how, exactly, my mom was different from other moms, I also discovered a lot more specifics about the ways our relationship had been abusive. I didn't really know it was abusive, I guess, before that, I just knew it wasn't something I could deal with and I built some boundaries to protect myself. Once I figured it out, though, I talked to my brother, partially to confirm that I'm not entirely off my rocker here and partially because I really feel like she's lovebombing my brother's new wife. This girl is young and smart and talented, and she has a malignant narcissist for a mother as well, and she's not as aware of it as I am, and she's eating up my mother's flattery like nobody's business. So I guess I have two questions. The first is, to what extent do I need to do anything about that? I told my brother what I saw happening. I like my sister-in-law, but they've been married less than a year and I've known her less than two, and while I'm not a narcissist, I WAS raised by one, and sitting down with a relative stranger and being like, "Hey, let me tell you about years of abuse!" doesn't sound like something I want to do. This is not something we do in my family, you know? But at the same time, I know my mother is capable of some terrible things and I don't want to throw this girl to the wolves, so to speak.

Second thing is that she and my brother will be having a baby soon. My brother is not a malignant narcissist, not by a long shot. He's not sadistic, for one thing. But he does have some narcissistic traits, and his whole life everyone's told him he's JUST like my mom, SO much like my mom, and now that I'm telling HIM about some of the abuse that has happened, he's worried that he will treat his child the same way, and that he will be a bad father.

I told him that I didn't think that he had the most damaging traits that our mom has (namely the sadism, and while he definitely has limited empathy, he does have some. I don't really think that she does.) I also told him that the fact that he is self-aware and that he is concerned are huge, and that if he's worried about it, he should do his own research, both on NPD and on what his kid is going to need from him, make himself the best version of himself that he can, to be really self-aware and honest with himself about who he is and what he can and can't give this kid. From there out, I told him to make sure that he has people in his life who love his kid and can give her the kinds of connections he won't be able to, and as long as he's doing all that, having a parent, even a parent with a personality disorder, who knows his or her strengths and shortcomings is probably better than having one who doesn't know, and kids are resilient. Oh, and I told him to monitor her time with her grandmothers. So I guess my second question is this: Was that good advice? Is there something else I should have told him? Is there something I should add?

It seems like you don't believe your brother and his wife are capable of making their own assessment of the situation. Why are you the only one who has insight into what's going on?

Well, primarily it's just that he asked me for my input, and I really wasn't sure what to tell him. I was asking for his observations because at that point I was still pretty sure I might have been imagining the whole thing and I wanted to know what he saw. He agreed that she behaves very strangely with his wife, but said he didn't know what to do about it and asked me for input. I have no idea so I'm passing the question along. Also, I live geographically closer to my mother, and I'm definitely her preferred target. He's only experienced her more negative behaviors a few times. He described it as seeming as though she were a different person, but the behaviors she displayed were how she has always responded to me, to my father, to her sisters, and to her parents, but not typically to him.

Your brother gets the golden child treatment, I wonder?

In answer to your question regarding whether to tell your sis-in-law about her MIL, I think you should stay out of it. If your SIL asks about your mom's errant behavior, then that may be the time to say something, but only until then. Telling her point-blank now would probably not register in her mind, plus doing so could backfire on you.

Your second question about whether this was good advice to tell your bro about his mom's abusive behavior or not...depends on how your bro views his mother. His view may be very different from yours. You've said your piece, so refrain from over-doing it by adding more or repeating yourself. Unasked-for advice or input often goes unheeded. I understand the desire to warn others about a bad egg and head off the stress, but no lesson is learned well until they find how bad the egg stinks themselves.

Agree with the thought that there is a fuzzy line where enough has been said, and saying it more is pointless (even counter productive). Just from personal experience ...

If someone really does have a PD there is no magic wand that will change that overnight, so saying it more won't help.

Likewise, as RH mentioned, if someone else can't see a PD when present, there is no magic wand that will get them to see it. It probably took you time to see what you are seeing, it will take them time (if ever) to do the same.

The advice seems fine if requested, but that itch to want to 'fix' it all now is understandable, but it just doesn't work that way

Thank you everyone. That makes a lot of sense, and it was honestly my first instinct anyway. Nothing really awful is happening right this moment, and nobody is in immediate danger. I'm just really really new to all of this and I wasn't trusting my instincts. I'll remain available to talk with them if they bring it up because they've noticed things themselves but otherwise I'll just keep doing my thing and let them do theirs. Again, thank you for your input.