NPD Leveraging/Faking BPD

Yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about , this rollercoaster of emotions that I feel is missing in my "normal" relationships.

i get that too.is like you experienced extacy and you are condemned to live a flat life never be able to reach that emotion. (i am thinking that sounds a little narcisistic. but i feel it in passion and not as superfial things as narcissits want)

@hebi how do you feel about your exes now?
i am jealous of her intense love life. xD
also that last line was so adorable. omg i wish i had ot too.
what changed and you got more happy relationship? did you go in therapy?

julllia wrote:

Yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about , this rollercoaster of emotions that I feel is missing in my "normal" relationships.

i get that too.is like you experienced extacy and you are condemned to live a flat life never be able to reach that emotion. (i am thinking that sounds a little narcisistic. but i feel it in passion and not as superfial things as narcissits want)

It reminds me of addiction. Or also of bipolar disorder, where people very rarely want to get rid of their bipolarity simply because the [hypo]manic stages feel so good. I can relate in the way that when I stopped with drugs for quite a long while I felt everything to be extremely flat. I mean I still do as my emotions are excessively numbed anyways, but it was even more than that and it took a while to get reaccustmed to normality.
Hope it doesnt sound denigrating, but I suppose this is also a measurement of how mature you want [your relationships] to be. From my pov a mature relationship has to be rather "boring", because its only that boringness that gives enough space for real trust, intimacy and a long-term commitment.

shanzeek wrote:
Yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about , this rollercoaster of emotions that I feel is missing in my "normal" relationships.

At the beginning it was still a rollercoaster because of my own problems lol We would get in physical altercations and we were both on drugs, getting ###$ up all the time, so we’ve really evolved together. So now, he is kind of like my partner in crime. To a lesser degree, I still get in intense friendships that can be this same unhealthy whirlwind, but now, he’s always got my back with those lol.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? Are you currently seeking a potentially committed relationship? Or do you just want to casually date? Because those $#%^ storms can be fun for temporary thrills.

julllia wrote:
@hebi how do you feel about your exes now?
i am jealous of her intense love life. xD
also that last line was so adorable. omg i wish i had ot too.
what changed and you got more happy relationship? did you go in therapy?

I hardly think about them lol I hated them for forever. Wished suffering for them lol But now, I hope they can also be happy I suppose. Sometimes I laugh feeling like things ended with me having the upper hand, or how I know they probably describe me as their psycho ex gf to any new girls they date.
Yes, I was hospitalized and then in therapy for a year before trying to date again, stayed in therapy, and I think my meds help a bit with some of my symptoms as well.

Akuma wrote: but I suppose this is also a measurement of how mature you want [your relationships] to be. From my pov a mature relationship has to be rather "boring", because its only that boringness that gives enough space for real trust, intimacy and a long-term commitment.

What?? But us passionately working on building our credit so we can buy a house is just... so... stimulating lol

It’s kind of fun too though, doing things I haven’t been able to do with anyone else, like we’re trying to plan our elopement in another country right now. I didn’t think I would ever do that in my life, so it’s kind of exciting.

Akuma you are right. This is supposed to be love that comes after passion ,they tell me all then time. But i ###$ up the first stage.
Also i want that first feeling . i want the passion .

This is why i think i am avoidant and not borderline.i can't imagine myself ending in hospital. I block it before it happens,i am very controlled and turn it in ,instead of making a scene, that bothers me also. I wish i could make a scene as crazy as that sounds because that is a bad and destructive idea.
Don't get me wrong. I don't know how to express this. Because i am jealous of borderlines that can be so passionate that end up in hospitals. But this statement is so bad and unhealthy. Obviously is better to have a stable life and relationship ,like hebi has now ,sounds more ideal. And i want that.
For some reason younger i didn't care but when i read psychology i realized i want the stable and long lasting.and i might did the opposite as defense younger, that made things worse emotionally.
But generally the intensity of emotions i see in borderlines are so inspiring and thrilling and addictive.
I was wondering how old shazneek is. She seems young if you are 23 or something. It changes everything.

I wasn’t in the hospital for anything that fun or exciting julllia lol I had just become very passionate about ending my own suffering.

I had one period that felt that everyday and never did it. And thought i was a coward that i couldn't do it and i wish i could to escape .but seriously. Not for attention. I honestly wanted it. i don't know how i never did it whe i felt like that constantly. I Was really upset that i couldn't do it.

-- Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:33 pm --

I mean if someone says: go die. I don't give a $#%^ about him.it doesn't upset me nor care.
I honestly wanted to do it to escape or stop feeling bad and unbearable. End suffering like you say.
But i never did. And i was angry that i couldn't do it

I think society puts a lot of pressure on attaining things at a certain age. But everyone is different. As crazy as it sounds, I was actually “engaged” to a much older man at the age of 14... and that didn’t seem weird to me at the time, now it does. I thought I should be an adult and looking for my potential husband at 18, and I’m only 26 now, but I realize how really incapable of that I would’ve been at that age. I think I definitely needed all of those crazy ass dysfunctional relationships before hand. Because I know how those are, and now I realize that I don’t want that particular thing anymore, and I want my boring stable one lol

-- Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:41 am --

I know I’m getting totally off topic now, but honestly I’ve done both julllia. I’ve done “gestures” because I needed and wanted someone else to see the pain I was in, because no one seemed to ever notice. But, I’ve also had my serious times, when I made all of the preparations without anyone initially knowing what was going on, that was when I needed to escape. Honestly, I love analyzing suicide, the whys and the hows and the what ifs. But... let’s not venture off too far from the topic.

I never cared about society's standards. I just felt i couldn't escape or hopeless or that i can't feel any joy or any point . so maybe is more depression.
I think i realized it recently because i read psychology.i don't know how .
But i can't understand why younger i liked unstable situations and preferred them. Like i was asking for something bad

-- Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:44 pm --

I know i am less dramatic in actions. But i relate. Like they do what i feel lol

Well, biologically speaking, the prefrontal cortex is one of the slowest regions of our brains to mature. It fully matures at around 25. It control things like impulse control and emotional regulation and such.

Also is weird . is abuse if you were 14. And upsetting. I just realized what you said.
What was the reaction of parents?

-- Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:50 pm --

At 14 you are a child. Is upsetting.