I am a narcissist and I suffer from panic attacks

Hi everyone, I'm L. and I'm a 20 years old lesbian girl with NPD.
I find the best feeling in the world to be the one I feel when I can make someone fall for me.
On that matter I really don't make distinctions: boys, girls, friends. When I feel like I need it, I can't stop myself from charming them. The moment I realize they're into me is a blast. I love that moment.
The problem comes after: when I'm sure that a certain person is into me, I start feeling trapped, and it becomes worse and worse to the point when I can't be around them anymore without having a panic attack. In the end I find myself hating that person and I find the idea of them disgusting.
Has enyone else here experienced something similar?
Sorry if I made mistakes, english is not my first language.

Pretty normal for NPD.

I'm not diagnosed, but I experience exactly the same. The best feeling is (for me) women that are into me, but when I actually get them, I start to realize their flaws and I discard them and start to hate them ragefully.

This sounds like a pretty typical devaluation cycle of an NPD. However, I propose something a little different might be happening to you.

Self awareness as an NPD is a special thing (pun intended). What happens a lot of times is that the self aware NPD is cognizant of their own objectification and manipulation of other people to ascertain NSupply. By being aware of the behavior the NPD should feel shame or guilt, but, as we know about the NPD, that shame and guilt is funneled through the super ego. There's a dissonance here that causes anxiety, friction, and even panic. You wish you weren't behaving this way, you wish you weren't hurting people but your brain is pushing you to avoid these natural feelings.

The anxiety and panic is expected. The NPD will typically begin to withdraw and push people away over time eventually ending up almost completely isolated; good for the rest of humanity, bad for the NPD.

or maybe deep down you prefer to reject them first before they can reject you? or is that more borderline? because once you have them, now you can lost it any minute if you are vulnerable.and you have to reject them first.
you can't wear the fake charm mask forever is tiring

Are you covert or overt?

I think for coverts the panic could come from the interpersonal closeness 'shattering' their thin false selves, and then the "real you" would be revealed, as I understand it, coverts keep people at a distance and their relationships are often unsuccessful.

Dunno why this would happen to someone with full-blown NPD though.

Ubinix800 wrote:Are you covert or overt?

I don't actually don't know what those words mean, can you explain it to me?

ArtisticBee wrote:

Ubinix800 wrote:Are you covert or overt?

I don't actually don't know what those words mean, can you explain it to me?

Theres a few studies now that indicate there are two basic subtypes of NPD, the grandiose and the covert subtype. The former is grandiose, extroverted, high-self-esteem, often higher aggression, intersubjectively cold - the covert subtype is socially avoidant, low-self-esteem, depressive, lower aggression, and can be intersubjectively more warm.
Opinions with researchers vary quite a bit tho, some accept the dichotomy, and interprete the data in such a way thta these are totally distinct types, while others hold that its a spectrum and everyone can practicaly have a bit of everything.

Have you ever considered you have co-morbid BPD?

Sounds like fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy. Many people struggle with this, especially people with avoidant attachment style.

The problem comes after: when I'm sure that a certain person is into me, I start feeling trapped, and it becomes worse and worse to the point when I can't be around them anymore without having a panic attack. In the end I find myself hating that person and I find the idea of them disgusting.

This an extreme version of "fault finding". People with avoidant attachment style do this but they do not normally hate their ex partner. They just lose interest. I have this same problem. I do not end up hating my partner and I find no reason to devalue and discard her, I just become more and more convinced that she is not the right one for me or there is something wrong with the circumstances etc. When I have lost her, I start missing her again terribly, and try to win her back. I feel terrible remorse and guilt of my behavior and try to win her back by apologizing my hurtful behavior. This is less extreme version of hoovering. This causes a lot of pain to the other person, and I do not blame her for walking away for good. I won´t be angry, I just feel terrible sadness.

Because of my own childhood conditioning, I tend to attract unsafe people (usually with strong narcissistic traits) so I am never sure if the other person is actually safe or not.

I experience this with everyone I've met. I don't get panic attacks, but I just get disgusted with the person. The problem is that I find people too needy and clingy.

I don't think you have a problem at all. The "trapped" feeling is that people like you too much, and then suffocate you with their constant nagging.

Try to find friends with NPD. They will understand you 100%