switching from BPD to covert Narcissistic pd?

I'm new to this forum (:

I had the realization tonight that I'm a covert narcissist, and I have not ever been more suicidal - it's interesting because up until today I thought I healed from BPD and I was experiencing a lot of happiness and delusional thoughts of being this like enlightened spiritual angel that faced all my demons and I'm just so special and so much better than all the other dumb humans that don't know the truth, u know covert narcissistic type thoughts.

but I don't even have any friends lol, and it's like just when I thought I healed my self well now I'm realizing that I'm still super dysfunctional and can't have a normal relationship that isn't co dependent or have friends like a normal human. so I literally am avoiding trying to make friends because I know deep down I'm not healthy or sane and thank god I don't have kids because if I was a mom I would ruin their lives and I know that's the truth.

and it's like, does this $#%^ ever end? like ever? can I just be ######6 normal please? if I can't be normal I'm going to kill my self because I'm really done like this isn't a life

I know the feel, I still find it hard to believe I have Covert N; I got 40/50 on the test...

turqu0ise wrote:and it's like, does this $#%^ ever end? like ever? can I just be ######6 normal please? if I can't be normal I'm going to kill my self because I'm really done like this isn't a life

The condition is manageable, and maybe even treatable, but the latter will take a very long time even if the person is willing to "try to heal". I've been in the deflated stage for so long now that my false-self is probably breaking apart or something...

What I try to tell myself is that I (and others) developed this for a good reason, and at #######5 as it is to live with, I would be worse off without it.

"Many of the people Dx.ed with AvPD w/ BPD features are actually hypersensitive/covert N's"

turqu0ise wrote:I'm new to this forum (:

I had the realization tonight that I'm a covert narcissist, and I have not ever been more suicidal - it's interesting because up until today I thought I healed from BPD and I was experiencing a lot of happiness and delusional thoughts of being this like enlightened spiritual angel that faced all my demons and I'm just so special and so much better than all the other dumb humans that don't know the truth, u know covert narcissistic type thoughts.

And what makes you think that your idea that you have covert narcissism is any more valid than your idea that you healed yourself from BPD?

you could be as well just a bpd that is having a crisis. what@akuma said.

can you be covert narc if you have never ever have inflated ego???

i have the impression that a lot of people doing it here.feeling like changing pd.and i can relate in feelings xD
and i have this crazy mentality too.so excuse my stupidity here. i know very well is better to not have anything and be healthy. but anyway i am going to describe my thoughts.
first off all i think i have nothing from pd like if i go to a psychologist he would not find anything or i just have depression or social anxiety.
but i confuse bpd and avpd and npd when is not grandiose types and intense.like i could feel any of those. i can not undersrand the difference.
and i get very upset and angry in the thought i could be or have traits of covert narcissism. way better to be grandiose narc with confidence, than covert is the worse. i hate it.
i prefer to be bpd because i want to express feelings but i can't and i think with bpd i could be more expressive.but maybe more destructive.
but i think i go closer to avoidance and i get mad with it too . because i think i am coward and i can't express what i want.
if i said that to a psychologist i know he would completely dismiss my thoughts and think i am stupid or something . i know.

i forgot to say i could as well want to be aspd because i am jealous they are fearless but i adore feelings like love or empathy and i am not willing to give this up.
i can''t edit above my post and i know is irrelevant with this post theme. sorry but i have to say it

julllia wrote:i forgot to say i could as well want to be aspd because i am jealous they are fearless but i adore feelings like love or empathy and i am not willing to give this up.
i can''t edit above my post and i know is irrelevant with this post theme. sorry but i have to say it

I know what u mean. I used to feel this way but I'm starting to get that the damage they cause to those weaker than me, like a friend i have whose narc parents got in his head so deep they convinced him to take drugs that disabled him to help with the psychological effects of their abuse (depression, psychosis etc) and they are happy he is disabled. they make fun of him, especially his dad. it's really sick. so keep in mind the "power" we are jealous of in our narc/psychopath exes.....this is how they get it. by preying on the weak. it's disgusting and the respect i used to have is slowly dying the more i'm coming to understand this. I don't want to be an enabler of their $#%^ any more. it makes me want to vomit

Auxiliary11 wrote:"Many of the people Dx.ed with AvPD w/ BPD features are actually hypersensitive/covert N's"

this makes sense. the C PTSD therapy I'm using on my self is essentially rewiring the brain to correct the lies and manipulation that our parents used to program us with false beliefs about our selves. and coming the the realization I am a covert N is making me think that......maybe all I need to do is correct all the false beliefs that I am worthless, evil, co dependent, etc......maybe I can reprogram those beliefs? by doing things that I used to think were impossible without being co dependent? this is how i'm coping with the idea that I am a (self-diagnosed) covert N

Akuma wrote:And what makes you think that your idea that you have covert narcissism is any more valid than your idea that you healed yourself from BPD?

u are right. I'm noticing how BPD my entire post is lol. by healed I mean......(in most cases) I can stop my negative thoughts from turning paranoid. I used to not be able to do that. the reason I think I am a covert N is I feel empty without having a narc or psychopathic male in my life, but I'm choosing to isolate so I'm not currently co dependent on one. and, I have delusions of being more special and spiritual and intelligent than other humans but I think I just killed those delusions by creating this post lol. it hit my ego hard. and i'm starting to think that my purpose on this earth isn't to be special.....it's to heal from the damage of being raised by narcissistic parents. it's not something new, a lot of other people are doing this, i'm not "special"....and its ok. because it is still beautiful to think that there is hope in healing my own self (:

julllia wrote:you could be as well just a bpd that is having a crisis. what@akuma said.

can you be covert narc if you have never ever have inflated ego???

i think that is the point with covert narcissism. that is why as a covert narc u are a perfect match for overt narcs. this usually happens because your narc parents were dependent on u for n supply so they programmed u with beliefs that u are nothing without them in your life. so u never get an inflated ego. u can only feel what it is like to have one by being in a relationship with a narc. but i know for me......i get delusional and out of touch with reality and start thinking spiritual thoughts. that is my type of inflated ego. and I tell my self how much better of a person i am than my ex narc bfs/parents. and point out all their flaws. that is my ego coming into play and getting inflated. i can still be disgusted and angry at them, but i think it's unhealthy for me to compare my self to them and be self-righteous.....that is ego

How long ago did you recover from BPD? Or were you just in remission? Because what you're describing sounds like unstable self-image, which yes, can contain grandiosity.