Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Taken from wikipedia:
"It has also been suggested that narcissists have two layers of rage. The first layer of rage can be thought of as a constant anger (towards someone else), with the second layer being a self-aimed wrath." This sounds very familiar.

I feel I'm in the same situation as you, I get these thoughts as well, not even just "saying I have these thoughts for attention" or whatever, but real borderline-eske ones. It may seem unusual to an outsider that we get these because we don't usually seem to be overtly depressed or emotionally unstable. Most of the time we seem kind of non-nonchalant and chill actually. I mean I truly thought I had BPD for the longest time, but I don't think BPD is as linked to negative self-esteem as it is in CNPD, so there's a distinction.

My version of having this seems to stem from some, vague yet deep-rooted underlying self-esteem issue; things I deeply hate about myself, things I can't accept about myself, or have anyone else imply them about me (i.e. defensiveness) because it's too threatening to my self-concept. If that makes sense? We usually like what's on the surface, not so much the "thing" we are underneath.

Before I even found out about CNPD I always had thought narcissism was all about mega ego inflation and very high self-esteem, but then I started reading about it and discovered there was two types, and it's the covert that secretly hates who, and what they are, so they develop some sort of self-protective second skin to live through instead.

After reading through the forum for a while, one or two users suggested we may have been confused with borderlines at one point, and I think this might be true, you know, unstable on the inside but protective narcissism on the outside.

Ubinix, your post struck a chord with me. I also was convinced I had BPD. My therapists have said I could have traits of that and NPD, but didn't go so far as to dx me with either and I definitely have STRONG narcissistic traits.

My version of having this seems to stem from some, vague yet deep-rooted underlying self-esteem issue; things I deeply hate about myself, things I can't accept about myself, or have anyone else imply them about me (i.e. defensiveness) because it's too threatening to my self-concept. If that makes sense? We usually like what's on the surface, not so much the "thing" we are underneath.

This resonated with me. When you talk about "things [you] can't accept about yourself," could you give me an example?

In my case, it's looks predominantly. I can't accept that I'm not this gorgeous movie star-level looking person that I wish I were, that I won't ever get the kind of admiration and attention that I so desperately want.

I have a ridiculously hard time just being "me" because I'm 125% convinced I won't be good enough. Good looking enough, more specifically—to attract anyone and everyone I want. Anything short of that will send me into a rage and invoke my self/other-directed wrath, I'm quite convinced (based on history). Whenever I've approached people before and gotten immediately rejected or gotten slightly involved and THEN got rejected, I withdrew into days or weeks of self-pity and resolved never to let that happen again.

I think the conviction to be invulnerable, to not show myself, gets stronger by the day. To the point where I adopt a mask of total numbness that then gets me even LESS of the attention and admiration I want.

I'm convinced my mind wants to drive me to the point of insanity and suicide. It's probably almost there.

In my case, it's looks predominantly. I can't accept that I'm not this gorgeous movie star-level looking person that I wish I were, that I won't ever get the kind of admiration and attention that I so desperately want.

I mean I have these fantasies too, but it's not really a part of who I am, it's just a way to bolster my apparently withering self-esteem. Even though I scored in the 90s range for CNPD, I think "compensatory narcissist" is more accurate of who I am.

Taken from Personality disorders in modern life:

"For the compensating narcissist, imagination provides a means of both protecting
the underlying vulnerable self and warding off shame. In effect, were it not for
the presence of a grandiose self, these individuals would resemble the avoidant personality,
who feels shamed because of the pathetic and defective person they believe
themselves to be."

Used to think I had AvPD, and I have traits on PAPD as well, but this described me better.

Dunno why I would have this however, my upbringing was fine.

covertunsure wrote:

Spaced wrote:I am also the covert type and I've recently been diagnosed with depression. I've already been sick for years with a chronic illness. Sometimes I do wonder what is the point of being alive if I can't enjoy the world and get the sort of attention I want. Even when I do go out, age and other factors means I'm not getting attention from the kind of women I'd want attention from. So I'm left to stew in a world that's partly coping fantasies, partly incessant feelings of boredom, emptiness and dissatisfaction. Occasionally I have intrusive thoughts but I think that's fairly normal anyway.

Do you crave or feel entitled to attention from every stranger or only from those you find attractive? Or some other criteria?

I feel entitled to attention and feeling attractive to every woman and gay guy. It's crazy-making.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm feeling down and having negative thoughts and fantasies I get a weird kick out of them. I think I deliberately try to sustain those thoughts and feelings, and when I notice my mood lifting I feel slightly irritated by it, and may even search for some music or something that might feed the negativity and help it return.

I can definitely relate. I think it's an excuse not to change and to continue my pattern of self-indulgence and self-pity.

I don't know if I consciously feel entitled to attention, but it irritates me if I don't get appreciative glances from just about every female I encounter. My default state of mind is that all women find me attractive, and when I don't get those signals it makes me uncomfortable and can put me on a downer.