Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Bump because I've been feeling awful and suicidal this evening. It always seems to stem from not getting the narcissistic supply, admiration, or whatever you call it--stares and looks from people, in this case at a networking event. Anytime I'm around human beings, basically, my self esteem and feeling of attractiveness fluctuates wildly up and down between euphoric feelings of invincibility and total worthlessness, based on how I feel I'm being received and how many people are looking at me, based on my attractiveness.

I know I've talked about this in the forum but it somehow never changes. I don't change. I do the same $#%^ I've rand over and somehow expect a different result. And I feel like people purposefully don't want to give me what I want, their attention. That makes it so much worse because it's me against the world.

And I realized. If it hasn't changed yet, if I haven't stopped being a toddler and taken responsibility for my life and feelings, at my age, I probably won't ever.

I'll never attain the standards of perfect admiration that I so desperately want in order to validate myself.

The event was on the 22nd floor of a building on the rooftop and I fantasize about throwing myself off. But I can never summon the courage.

Covert narcissism,or whatever permutation or combination I have, is a total nightmare. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Hiya, sorry to hear you've been feeling suicidal covertunsure.

I too identify as a covert narc. I was in a very bad place for about 3 years after i became self-aware. I had been in therapy for 6 years only to find how deep my problems were. I subscribed to Exit-International and found out the best methods how to commit suicide pain-free. I made a really detailed plan, but never carried it out, mostly because of doubt/lack of courage/the odd good days.

This year has been my best maybe in 10 years or so. I got an internship at a local paper (studying journalism) and doing something useful has really upped my self esteem. I havent done drugs the whole year, which is a really something for me.

Of course i have some really really bad days and weeks, which make me wonder if i can survive. But somehow ive made it this far without acting self-destructively, and im really happy.

I hope you find something that gives you hope and meaning, at least a little bit. You prolly know this, but by saying "ill never get better" youre also giving yourself a excuse to not even try. Not trying to be condescending by saying that, i said the exact same thing for a long time.

Hope all the best for you.

I’m not diagnosed NPD, closest thing I have to a diagnosis is ASPD from a court ordered psych evaluation. However I think that is wrong I always have and I’m trying to get a new diagnosis now. With that said I suspect I’m more of a covert narc and I do have suicidal and homicidal thoughts they are pretty intense. I have been dealing with them all my life and I can kind of handle them now better than I used to. I’m on an anti depressant which helps, intense exercise helps too

I don't quite know if what I have are suicidal "thoughts", but I do
often have "flashes", mental images, of myself committing suicide,
usually with a rifle or rope. They usually come in a sudden "panic"
when thoughts of horrible suffering experienced by children or animals
come into my mind, and yes, also, my own depressing situation.
I've also pondered the easiest and quickest way to do it and discussed the
physiology of this a little with others. (I'd want as little emotional
trauma and physical suffering as possible, and wouldn't want to fail and cripple myself.)

But I think I'm unlikely to commit suicide because:

1. It would hurt my family, and be a lousy thing to do to them. They've
done a lot for me. Laying that on them would be cruel and ungrateful.

2. I'm a coward. It might hurt.

3. I believe in an afterlife, or a good enough possibility of one, that it
might lead to hell or a form of existence much worse than the one I'm
in now.

That said, I do find thinking about suicide if only superficially and briefly, strangely comforting. It helps me sleep at night.

I remember when I was 20 years old, working in a hotel, and how low I was feeling then. (Looking back over the years, I've felt low often.) I used to have the thought, like a mantra, "I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't exist."

Strangely, the mere thought of my personal non-existence seemed to ease
things for me.

Thanks for your responses, all. Are each of you covert pwNPD? What causes these suicidal thoughts in each of you and, do you think, in general in pwNPD?

It's funny, everyone told me as a kid, and some continue to tell me, that I have so much potential. I was always told (or spoken about) how smart I was, charismatic, that I'd "never hurt a fly," that I was handsome (especially before acne ravaged my face in adolescence), etc. But I've totally failed to measure up and have gone the other way mentally. It's very bizarre.

How are you doing now Covertunsure?

Hard to say what you can do against suicidal thoughts. Differs from person to person. What have you already tried? Medication? Talk therapy?

I fight these suicidal thoughts by riding my bike, but it doesn't work always, if the depression hits too hard I just feel paralyzed and not able to do anything. In those situations where it hits hard I don't know what to do either.
Sometimes I am able to stop those thoughts by stopping the trigger thoughts immediately and focus on other stuff. But again, that doesn't work always. If I wait too long, it will drag me down.

I just hope they will bring ketamine out soon, I know it is not a miracle solution, but at least it can counterattack if the depression hits you very hard, since it operates immediately and doesn't take weeks to work like current anti-depressants. It is not a miracle solution, but I think it can be very helpfull in an emergency situations where suicidal thoughts get too strong.

Jean33 wrote:How are you doing now Covertunsure?

Hard to say what you can do against suicidal thoughts. Differs from person to person. What have you already tried? Medication? Talk therapy?

I fight these suicidal thoughts by riding my bike, but it doesn't work always, if the depression hits too hard I just feel paralyzed and not able to do anything. In those situations where it hits hard I don't know what to do either.
Sometimes I am able to stop those thoughts by stopping the trigger thoughts immediately and focus on other stuff. But again, that doesn't work always. If I wait too long, it will drag me down.

I just hope they will bring ketamine out soon, I know it is not a miracle solution, but at least it can counterattack if the depression hits you very hard, since it operates immediately and doesn't take weeks to work like current anti-depressants. It is not a miracle solution, but I think it can be very helpfull in an emergency situations where suicidal thoughts get too strong.

Thank you for checking in, Jean.

I'm ok, every moment is different depending on how much attention I get when out and about and how attractive I feel. That is my obsession, sadly. When someone doesn't or "refuses" to look at me, despite (and probably made worse by) my constantly and creepily staring at them, I get ever angrier and more agitated, then search for yet more proof that people are evil and that I'm not as attractive as I wish I were--because otherwise clearly more people would be checking me out.

Today on the train, for instance, I was getting angrier and angrier because no one was looking at me, which then made me go into one of my emotionally numb/empty states, which then only perpetuated the pattern. In particular there were a few attractive people whose attention I desperately craved as higher-order sources of narcissistic supply. I HATED how much control and power they had over me in withholding attention from me.

Like some kind of mathematical function, my mood is the dependent variable and how much attention/how many people are looking at me is the independent variable, with a direct correlation. It's horrible to be at the mercy of and feel beholden to total and complete strangers, yet I feel unable to "unlink" my self-esteem from it.

My life is a hopeless and helpless never-ending Groundhog Day. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

I am also the covert type and I've recently been diagnosed with depression. I've already been sick for years with a chronic illness. Sometimes I do wonder what is the point of being alive if I can't enjoy the world and get the sort of attention I want. Even when I do go out, age and other factors means I'm not getting attention from the kind of women I'd want attention from. So I'm left to stew in a world that's partly coping fantasies, partly incessant feelings of boredom, emptiness and dissatisfaction. Occasionally I have intrusive thoughts but I think that's fairly normal anyway.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm feeling down and having negative thoughts and fantasies I get a weird kick out of them. I think I deliberately try to sustain those thoughts and feelings, and when I notice my mood lifting I feel slightly irritated by it, and may even search for some music or something that might feed the negativity and help it return.

I've never self-harmed, I find it really bizarre behaviour.

Funnily enough I think I'm actually too narcissistic to ever commit suicide. Removing myself from existence is probably the most un-narcissistic thing I could do. I once watched a video of a young teenage girl who live-streamed her suicide by hanging in her back yard. Her body hung there in silence as the evening grew darker and the world around her carried on oblivious. It was utterly depressing but also so incredibly pointless and wasteful.

I'm a covert narc, not diagnosed yet.

covertunsure wrote:Do any other covert narcs feel suicidal often? Ever?

I very rarely feel suicidal, and can decide when it happens. It goes like this:
1. I feel suicidal in a very vague sort of way. It feels like my true self (for a lack of better definition) is too powerless and tired to want to keep on living. The ideation never progresses any further (planning how to execute the suicide, and so on), probably due to its ego-dystonic nature.
2. When I'm sober, I keep having fantasies of murdering other people. These sensations are like daydreaming, and I'm not disturbed by them anymore. I was a bit worried when they first started, though. These ideations are very ego-syntonic indeed, because other people are not recognizing (or they are pretending they don't) my brilliance. In a sense they are torturing me, and I would be simply carrying out a preemptive strike. Completely justified, right 'O?

covertunsure wrote:If so, what triggers your suicidal ideation, and have you ever attempted suicide?

This only happens when I smoke cannabis. It helps regulate my feelings, and at these times I actually feel like a normal human being. No suicide attempts have ever occurred.

covertunsure wrote:What eliminates your suicidal urges and makes you feel better?

When my high progresses, these effects lessen and disappear after a while. The next day I usually feel better than normally, so I'm not doing all this out of pure masochism either.

covertunsure wrote:Does any covert narc self-harm or is that strictly the domain of borderlines?

No, I don't believe pwCNPDs actually do this, because it would be pointless IMO. There are way more efficient ways to get attention. However, if the awareness increases, and narcissistic defences disappear without any other defences emerging (is this even possible?), I guess self-harm or suicide might be an option.

Spaced wrote:I am also the covert type and I've recently been diagnosed with depression. I've already been sick for years with a chronic illness. Sometimes I do wonder what is the point of being alive if I can't enjoy the world and get the sort of attention I want. Even when I do go out, age and other factors means I'm not getting attention from the kind of women I'd want attention from. So I'm left to stew in a world that's partly coping fantasies, partly incessant feelings of boredom, emptiness and dissatisfaction. Occasionally I have intrusive thoughts but I think that's fairly normal anyway.

Do you crave or feel entitled to attention from every stranger or only from those you find attractive? Or some other criteria?

I feel entitled to attention and feeling attractive to every woman and gay guy. It's crazy-making.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm feeling down and having negative thoughts and fantasies I get a weird kick out of them. I think I deliberately try to sustain those thoughts and feelings, and when I notice my mood lifting I feel slightly irritated by it, and may even search for some music or something that might feed the negativity and help it return.

I can definitely relate. I think it's an excuse not to change and to continue my pattern of self-indulgence and self-pity.