Discussing Moderation For NPD forum.

BoardUser wrote:we don't need what the *ordinary* forums need. We are special, and therefore we don't need a mod.

\

QFT.

In another thread @bitty wrote:

bitty wrote:Thanks, reality; I try to be honest, but I have to leave stuff out for fear of triggering people. I became less ratty and thin skinned when I started antidepressants, about fifteen years ago. Is it the same for your spouse?

She came to mind during this thread. Wouldn't she make a good mod? She's more cautious.

Is that something you'd want to do, @bitty? If you're already interacting somewhat reserved and sensitive to others' impressions, wouldn't that be ideal for simple moderator tasks? You're already leading by example?

Or, would you feel you're impeding someone by, for example, merging a duplicate thread or throttling someone who is trolling, or unproductively triggered?

I don't think we need a moderator. But, what you said in that other thread reminded me of this thread.

I would have less trouble with housekeeping and more trouble with how I think that "role" could change my voice. I would be afraid of the designation tainting my communications and making me more reserved.

What if you were moderator (holding the designation and "green color") and if you had doubts about whether some housekeeping should occur, you could ask me my thoughts. Or, ping mods who've done things for awhile (even let them do it)?

Oh gosh, who'd've thunk, but yeah, bitty would make a good mod candidate-- if she wants the job, huh?

What do you say, bitty?

realityhere wrote:What do you say, bitty?

She should be waking any moment now, to this quandary we've created for her....

I believe the rules are, if a nominee doesn't decline within 2 hours after being seconded... fini.

Thank you, but no thanks, I wouldn't like it at all, plus I'm still working pretty much full time, but I'm on holiday at the moment.

The stuff that I leave out pretty much consumes my mind 24/7; even when it's not at the forefront, it's there at base, affecting everything. So I'm not in a state of sensible, cautious neutrality, exactly, I just co-exist with that stuff.

It means that my mind's not really free to concentrate on anything else in the long run. But thanks anyway.

FWIW: Given the recent (and growing) "tone" of the forum I have rethought my comments in this thread (and elsewhere). I thought it might be useful to revisit this topic.

I found a thread from 2013 (started by our very own @bitty) where the same problem had been discussed. @OneRinger has also said that this is an ongoing problem, going so far as to suggest that it is intended (we are "useful idiots," something I can identify with at the moment). I'm curious if that's true and we don't really have an NPD forum like the other disorder forums.

The following are my revised views:

1. In the past I have said I didn't understand why new non threads were sometimes moved to the Friends & Family forum. I felt sorry for the posters who might not understand why some nons can participate here.

I now see the desirability of that strategy, I regret criticizing it, and I don't envy those who have to choose which ones to relocate. (If it were me, I would still feel bad that the thread starter might feel mistreated.).

2. I said we were doing fine without a moderator.

I can see now that the above point would be better served by a resident mod who understands the desired "tone" of this forum.

I feel guilty about contributing to this condition. I enjoy talking to nons about what I understand about myself. However, I'm to the point now where I'm afraid to reply to any nons because they never leave. It's like, if you engage them they think this is their place(!). A hangout, and then it looks like a place to vent.

In my ideal world they would go to one of the non forums first for the initial "level set" with other, more knowledgeable nons. (E.g., work through the "N didn't make you leave your husband" discussions) and then come here if they have specific questions (without the venting.). And then return to the non forum to contribute to a better understanding among nons supporting nons.

I feel bad about this because I do enjoy talking about the disorder. But, this is getting bad. I don't believe much of this would be tolerated in the other disorder forums. I don't understand why this is different.

3. I think this forum should have the large pink warning like the other disorder forums, dedicating the forum to those with the disorder.

I would lay out the following expectations:
--->>>

- A reminder that the forum exists for people with the disorder, it's not a "hangout" for nons. Especially not a "victim" (venting, hyperbole) forum.

- 1-2 non threads are desireable to spur discussion which wouldn't occur among Ns by themselves. Thread starters should have clear, constructive questions and opinions, a goal, and return to the non forums when done.

- If a non starts a thread which doesn't serve the tone of this forum, it may be moved to the non forums at the mod's sole discretion. If a non sincerely desires to start a thread (assured that it won't be moved) they should PM the mod in advance to reserve "space" (so to speak) amongst what may be competing thread starters who are all subject to being moved (or, merge thread starters into one).

- Because most nons who have been negatively effected by pwNPD typically suffer from co-dependency issues (e.g., borderlines and narcissists often attract each other; anyone needing "rescue" such as avoidants and co-dependents), and these issues can be triggering to Ns when they are unrecognized by the non, it is expected that nons first spend time in the non forums, discussing their experience and questions in order to receive "front line" assistance from nons who understand the disorder at a basic level, and provide mutual support to one another.

- After receiving preliminary support in the non forums, if a non desires direct discussion with pwNPD, they may participate here with the understanding that this is a disorder.

- After obtaining what they seek, it is advised that they return to the non forums to contribute to the mutual support they received.
<<<---

4. If there is something peculiar about recovery from involvement with a pwNPD to justify their participation in a forum other than the non forums, a "... of NPD" sub-forum should be created under the non-forums.

5. I no longer support the idea of a non as a moderator.

they don't care
if you can halfass it and it hardly effects you why try hader?

If it ain't broke; don't try to fix it! If we get trolling, just suck them in. Trolls are narcissists! A couple of them got sent to prison in England recently. Another commited suicide after she was found out and told everyone she was entitled to do it!

Some monthes ago, bitty made a thread on that topic : this forum

This is my comment

Philonoe wrote:Thank you bitty for opening this thread to all people.

- Discussions here are interesting to me. Some internal dynamics can exist in anyone. Some relationships or family dynamics interest me.

- I like much when each one speaks about oneself and what he/she feels personally , be pwNPD or not.

- I feel overwhelmed by partners. I understand that they are overwhelming but sometimes I feel that they take too much space here. I wish there was specific space for emotional abuse in psychforum.

- I don't like all comments implying that the world is shared between evil narcissists and good nons, like for instance "is he a narcissist"? or "narcissists can't love".

- if some day you change the structure of the forum, I would be interested by a subforum about acons ("adult children of narcissists")

I didn't change my mind.

I'm a non who has read the NPD forum for almost a year now, and have found info shared by those with the disorder helpful in understanding my N sister.

I can understand that some pwNPD are put off by nons, particularly those who are partners or SO's of pwNPD. because they often describe their partners as evil/ bad, yet are still drawn to them because of their co-dependency. Such nons tend to emote in strong black/ white thinking because of their close and intimate proximity to their disordered partners.

It seems different with nons who have disordered relatives/friends, because they can usually put distance into those relationships. The intimacy level is not the same as in a marital or SO/ lover r'ship. Their inquiries about a disordered relative/ friend are not as pointed, for lack of a better word.

I've tried recently to get a mod to transfer a non's post involving an affair with a NPD lover to the SOF&F forum and it didn't move there for some reason. Possibly because the NPD forum doesn't have its own mod?

Like TTL mentioned, I think it's a good idea to put some kind of sticky note at the top of the forum that acts like a warning to nons that if they come on board with a post, to do so with respect to the facts that pwNPD are humans as well and have suffered early trauma that brought out their disorder, and if unaware may not understand their own behavior towards others themselves. Something to that effect anyway-- an aware pwNPD can certainly write such a note with sensitivity to both pwNPD and nons dealing with partner/SO relationships.