Giving up

Hello everyone,

I'm a 38 year old woman. I've started meditating, being mindful, pointing out my own horrid thoughts. I'm putting the work in to stop being such a nervous wreck. I think I may have pathological narcissism of the vulnerable type, and i'm sure that relates to my predicament.

For the first time in my life, I've been happy. I've stopped judging everyone around me. But that's only when i'm feeling self-sufficient. I can deal with perceived or actual slights, I can have compassion for everyone, whatever. Life is good, I can just do my thing. It's the closest to normal.

When I feel the slightest bit "vulnerable" or "weak" or "needy" or whatever, all the neurosis and stuff comes back. I go back to becoming hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware to the "reactions" to strangers, I go back to assuming the worse about every other human being in regards to their opinions about me. Everything, whether it be a car driving away when I walk by it or a man "ignoring" me in the street becomes an assault on my soul. I start doing weird things in hopes of receiving validation from strangers, in the hopes of "unbruising" my ego. And meanwhile, in it all, I'm sweating and nervous.

Here's my issue: eventually the self-hatred and "rejection" (so much worse if its an actual rejection) reaches a peek and I collapse. Sometimes I just have to go to the ground because i'm so depleted, and i'm anxious at the same time. Negative thought after negative thought. These moments are the closest I get to suicidal ideation. I'm anxious and depressed at the same time, I hate everyone and I hate myself. They aren't panic attacks, maybe they're anxiety attacks?

Please, can I get some help please? I am so close to living a normal life. I don't know what these things are, and I want them to stop. Why does a vague feeling of vulnerability or nervousness or whatever have to lead to these "narcissistic nervous breakdowns"? I don't even know what they're called.

Therapy is sort of helpful, but otherwise I am at a loss.

Is there a cure and how do I do it?

Thank you in advance!

I have N traits and used to be much worse, and I have a lot in common with you though not as extreme in response or not anymore. Time has helped me. I had to nurture that fragile part of myself with the positive healthy attention I never got. This helped me a great deal as it replaced the negatives in my head with positives that were normal healthy and not extreme. I use self soothing techniques like calming self talk, rocking, curling up in fetal position and talking myself through things without attacking someone else but with addressing my feelings in a soothing manner where it's about how I feel and feeling less bad or wrong while not making enemies in my mind of things that triggered the event. That part can be hard so I have to be mindful but when I an doing self soothing and nurturing stuff I am far more focused on being a healthy living parent to the vulnerable, scared, hurt child in me. I swear it has helped a lot and I haven't even been doing it that long.

Wow, it took a lot of courage to open up like that, TruthTooEight. I don't really have any answers for you, but I hope to read more of your posts!

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. The mindfulness and meditation is definitely a plus. Those things are part of my self healing regime. I actually have been using DBT skills I learned in classes for BPD when I was hospitalized with major depression in 1996. They work on N traits too. I also find meditation on the chakras (especially the solar plexus chakra, which is the weakest in narcissists--overts overcompensate for it's weakness by acting arrogant & grandiose) really helps a lot.

Don't dismiss your sensitivity and vulnerability though. Ns are very sensitive, but we built a false self to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Of course, it doesn't work, and cNPDs are alway feeling hurt. It's hard to do, but you must embrace your vulnerability, only using it to access your TS instead of projecting it outward and dwelling on your own paranoia/feeling like a victim.

It's hard to explain how that works but I'll try. We rejected vulnerability at an early age but it's actually the key to heal from NPD. Using things that elicit emotions like empathy, sadness (not fear and rage) works. I use things like music and writing. I also do the self-talk thing, where I talk to my TS and try to give her the validation and love she never received as a child. The poster ahead of me mentioned rocking. There's all sorts of weird things that can work on nurturing the TS which is still a young child. Someone else mentioned teddy bears and even a baby bottle! For me it involves holding myself and rocking myself during self talk. This almost always brings tears and that's a great thing because crying releases all the rage and toxic emotions that make us N. I'm starting to remember things that happened to me as a child and trying to reparent my TS and so far it seems to be working. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy because it isn't. Sometimes I need to take breaks from it. I just mentioned on another thread how wonderful Brene Brown's videos on vulnerability and shame are. They are on Youtube. You should definitely watch them.

It does sound like you are getting better. It's not going to happen overnight. You are going to run into pitfalls. Don't give up!

CNs are renowned for volunteering as a way of feeding our egos. I used to do it when I was younger. I just don't have the time these days. I'm counter dependent. So there isn't the slightest possibility I could do meditation. I just take medication. Listed below. The link below is about Audrey Hepburn's ideas on volunteering. She was a CN.

http://www.academia.edu/8503311/Humanit ... nd_Hepburn

Thank you everyone for your kind responses!

What sorts of things should I be telling my inner child?

TruthTooEight wrote:Here's my issue: eventually the self-hatred and "rejection" (so much worse if its an actual rejection) reaches a peek and I collapse. Sometimes I just have to go to the ground because i'm so depleted, and i'm anxious at the same time. Negative thought after negative thought. These moments are the closest I get to suicidal ideation. I'm anxious and depressed at the same time, I hate everyone and I hate myself. They aren't panic attacks, maybe they're anxiety attacks?

Please, can I get some help please? I am so close to living a normal life. I don't know what these things are, and I want them to stop. Why does a vague feeling of vulnerability or nervousness or whatever have to lead to these "narcissistic nervous breakdowns"? I don't even know what they're called.

i get my supply from being the good person, the helper, always offering to help whenever i can. Sure i turn around and mock and make fun of those i help and share their personal details but i get what i need out of it so who cares, right? i mainly just share it with my significant other anyway and we laugh at these people i help together. To everyone else though i'll honk my own horn "i helped this person today who was having a crisis".

maybe you could curb your feelings of rejection and stuff by helping other people? just a though. works for me.

do you think that this is what I am about. Just helping myself? Making fun of people?
Oh my God, I am so confused by who is what to whom?

How is that helping me? How does that help you? If I am "helping" who is helping whom and how?

Camomile tea, lavender scent and St John's Wort all help. And the Rescuer products. They come in yellow tins and sprays at the chemists. Confused is sexy! As the Borderlines would say. A good ego feed is the best remedy after all!

Is whatever's in the spray, keep the borderlines away?