Pretty Sure I Have NPD, and Suffering

I realize this is a very long post. That said, I would really, really appreciate, immensely, if someone would read this and respond. I mean, I took a long time writing it up, and I am really struggling here. I have nowhere else to go, really, no one else to talk to. No one else to ask about this.

First of all, I am quite convinced my father is a narcissist, and I fear his behavior perhaps rubbed onto me. You cannot tell my dad he is wrong. He will lash out in intense anger. He thinks he's brilliant and anytime he claims to be humble, it always seems shallow. He would never admit he has an issue. He is a "Christian" and uses this to excuse being a huge bigot. Towards anyone not white, towards LGBT people, towards women, towards the mentally ill. (I myself am transgender and bisexual.) Because of all this, I grew up experiencing intense shame. I believe this could contribute to me possibly having NPD.

I should also add that, for personal reasons, I am not able to seek psychological help or a diagnosis at this time. Obviously, nobody on here can diagnose me, but it'd help to know at the very least if anyone thinks I'm on the right track with my suspicions. Also, I am suffering, and I think I needed someplace to vent my feelings. I feel very isolated. I can't tell my friends how I truly feel often, because... well, I think some things most people would consider pretty horrible.

Where to begin? Well, I think the first major symptom of NPD that aroused my suspicions is the part about fantasizing. I fantasize about fame constantly. I am a writer. It's my passion, and I fantasize constantly about fame and being seen as the greatest author who ever lived. I truly believe that the story I have to tell is the greatest in the world, and nobody could convince me otherwise, because I view myself as so superior in terms of intelligence. On one hand, I can understand it's possible this might not happen, but at the same time, I'm so convinced it will someday. My fantasizes are elaborate. I also fantasize about being a famous singer (I like to sing, although it's not as much of a passion of mine,) incredible artist (again, I like it, but my main passion is writing,) amazingly beautiful, and as silly as this next one sounds, even a famous blogger. I realize I probably won't be seen as the greatest author of all time, but I know that I really am, and just the idea that others won't agree makes me hate, well, anyone who wouldn't view me like that. I can admit flaws in my writing, in my singing, and so on, but I do believe that someday I will become the greatest ever. I can't, however, see flaws in my story itself, and its character. That is perfect to me. I manage to keep improving it, somehow, but if anyone pointed out supposed flaws in it, I would call them wrong. I never notice flaws, necessarily, just expand upon it and make it better. That's how I view it.

I judge others instantly. I truly feel that I can read others like a book. I know exactly what they're thinking, and I tend to assume the worst. They're thinking something stupid, something about me that's wrong because I'm clearly superior, something like that. I hate this in myself. Not even because I experience remorse, or anything. I just don't, because I know I'm right. I hate it because it's exhausting. I'm constantly thinking about how inferior others are and how much I hate them. I'm always angry because I'm not given all the attention I want, and in exactly the manner I would want it given. I have expectations for others that I know are unrealistic, but it frustrates me and causes me to hate others regardless when they don't meet them. I basically want everyone to think like me, I think any opinion other than my own is wrong, but at the same time, I wouldn't want anyone to be equal to me. If I noticed anyone admittedly better than me at about anything, or anything I'm passionate about, at least (writing in particular,) I experience two major things. The first is extreme envy. The other is that I deserve their company, and deserve them to tell me I'm great. I almost view people like objects in that way. I feel like it's not really a problem for me to view others like this, because I am just so fantastic. People should be honored that I would even talk to them is how I view it. That people don't view it like that more and really think about it like that angers me.

I view myself as a natural leader. I used to be in a friend group and I really was the leader, pretty much. Everyone kinda admitted it. I was probably what most would call bossy, but nobody seemed to care, and I really was good at it. Everyone really did just like me. I viewed my way, my opinions, my ideas, as the best and right ones. Always. Speaking of leadership, I've frankly thought before that the world would technically be better if I ruled it. I have the perfect morals and always know what's right. Hypothetically, I know that I could never reach this status and it would probably give me stress I wouldn't even want, but at the same time, the fact I couldn't reach this status pisses me off. The idea that if, hypothetically, I wanted to become ruler of the world, people wouldn't elect me, makes me feel angry. It's a hypothetical and yet it makes me hate people because I know they would reject me.

I mentioned envy earlier and should add that I often think others envy me. I'm devastated when they don't, and feel incredibly validated when they do. I also often think people are in love with me. If someone says they have found someone they're interested in, I will almost instantly assume it is me, and feel angry if it isn't me, even though I wouldn't actually want to strike up a relationship with any of them. If pretty much anyone, any of my friends, likes someone more than me, thinks someone is better than me, I experience intense anger and envy. I have to think of all the ways they're inferior and remind myself that I am really the best.

While I don't think I lack empathy completely, I certainly experience it less than the average person supposedly does. I used to think most people thought like me (and consequently, I tend to view everyone as competition,) but since I've realized I might have NPD, I've realized that probably isn't the case. Even if it's not NPD, I can finally admit to myself that there's something technically... different with the way I think. Honestly, I tend to feel surprised and uncomfortable when I truly do experience strong empathy, because it's so foreign to me. Often when others are suffering, talking about their interests, the center of attention isn't me, generally, really, I feel annoyed. I just wish the focus were on me primarily. I tend to try and justify this by telling myself others are lying or overreacting about their problems, anyway, their interests aren't as great as mine, etc.

There are only two people I think I could say I honestly, truly love. I still view myself as above them, but it doesn't matter to me as much with them as it does other people. I feel kind of like I'm wholly superior to all other people, whereas these two people I love are equal with me on many levels. I'm just superior to them on some levels, and that's enough for me. I like knowing some people who I feel are mostly equal to me, because they're just more interesting to talk with. Also, I can express my true feelings to them better, particularly feelings about narcissism. They never really judge me and always love and validate me. If they started to criticize me, I must admit I would probably be very angry with them, and while I'm not sure I could say I would hate them, I might think some things that would be considered pretty hateful. I would want them to go back as before. In fairness, though, who likes being criticized? And of course I like friends to be similar to me. People can grow apart due to others changing. I wouldn't see the issue.

As you might have gathered from the last paragraph, I am incredibly easily hurt by criticism of any kind. It makes me feel angry towards others, although I usually keep it bottled up. I've always felt like this but never said it, because I just somehow knew I wasn't supposed to. I mean, other people don't act like this. I wouldn't want anyone acting like this to me. I knew that if I expressed my true feelings like this, I wouldn't have any friends.

I don't technically, currently, have any superior or accomplishments, but I expect others to treat me like I do. I'm so sure that I will eventually have superior accomplishments someday, and I also dream about others feeling inferior to me when I finally achieve fame. Especially regretting how they treated me. So many people have treated me poorly. On that note, I often go back and forth between thankfulness for my friends and intense anger that I deserve better. Awhile back a friend of mine said he noticed I do this and that it is exhausting to deal with (this, along with some other stuff he said, was what made me realize I might have NPD.)

I don't really care about hurting others. I just always think I'm right. I don't really experience remorse. There have maybe been a few times I felt bad hurting the feelings of someone I like. When it comes to someone I disagree with or don't like, though, I don't care. I know some people that I seriously hurt the feelings of. I don't really care about their feelings, because they annoyed me. I'm actually kinda glad I hurt them. My only fear is that they could potentially use it against me and call me out when I'm famous someday, and other people would think I'm bad. I don't worry about it too much because I figure nobody would believe them (and in fairness, these people weren't exactly saints themselves.) But it would stress me out and annoy me, and I'd rather never deal with it. I don't actually care about their feelings, though.

I have toyed with the emotions of others. Quite a few people have fallen in love with me and this has stroked my ego immensely. I generally loved it, even though I didn't reciprocate their feelings. I had a few people act... obsessively over me, one person frankly sexually harassed me, and yeah, those parts weren't fun. But I felt very validated to have people in love with me, and honestly, rejecting them somehow made it feel even better, and just toying with their emotions a bit. It's actually one of the few things I feel somewhat bad about, but at the same time, I've been thinking about doing it again with some people. Just thinking about doing it makes me feel excited, and when I notice the people I thought of doing it with seeming less interested, I feel angry and like I don't even want to bother with them anymore. I'm not interested in them as people much. I find one of them kinda annoying, actually. I just want them to validate me.

I could probably go on, honestly, but I think this gives a pretty good idea. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask (I mean, so long as it's still relevant to NPD and all, obviously...) I want to lastly add why this causes me to suffer, though. Well, it's very exhausting. That might sound like the worst kind of sob story. "Oh, it's so exhausting to hate everyone and feel superior all the time!" But it's really true. It sounds silly but it's genuinely painful. People leave or dislike me because of it, and I can't stand that. It gets tiring to have this on my mind so often, how much I hate others. It's exhausting to have to dig for reasons to prove myself as superior. It's exhausting to view everyone else as competition. I think I'm actually kind of afraid of others. Especially afraid others will notice who I really am, criticize me, and I just can't stand it. It hurts so much. I can't seem to figure out why nobody seems to have sympathy for people with NPD. I only ever seem to see them called inhuman and monsters and always abusers. I'm not always the best person to be around, I'll admit. I can be frustrating to hang around. But I'm not an abuser. I acted in some abusive behaviors towards some people when I was younger, in all honesty, but I have learned from that and even if I'm tempted to act cruel, I have the ability to hold myself back. And it hurts me. Maybe I'm not really making sacrifices for others. I just don't want myself to be criticized. But hey, as long as I'm not acting cruel to anyone and am technically acting in a way that means I'm careful not to hurt anyone, why should it really matter that it's technically for selfish motives? I don't feel much remorse for some of the abusive behaviors because it was towards people who annoyed me, anyway (and in all honesty, at least one of them was kind of abusive themselves.) I feel like because I am this way, I am isolated, unable to express my true feelings. It is just a very lonely feeling. And if I truly have NPD, everyone demonizes people with NPD so much. I don't understand it at all. Even if I don't have NPD, people with NPD can't help being mentally ill. I can see people wanting to avoid them, fine, but do we have to act like its their fault and demonize them?

Well, again, I realize this was really long. If you actually read all this, though, I am very appreciative. And if you responded I would be even more appreciative. Thanks.

Robert Lutece wrote:
First of all, I am quite convinced my father is a narcissist, and I fear his behavior perhaps rubbed onto me. You cannot tell my dad he is wrong. He will lash out in intense anger. He thinks he's brilliant and anytime he claims to be humble, it always seems shallow. He would never admit he has an issue. He is a "Christian" and uses this to excuse being a huge bigot. Towards anyone not white, towards LGBT people, towards women, towards the mentally ill. (I myself am transgender and bisexual.) Because of all this, I grew up experiencing intense shame. I believe this could contribute to me possibly having NPD.

Do we have the same father? My dad is also a religious nut job, hates LGBT, Muslims, etc. Often talks about how "sick" and "pleasure seeking" the world is, feigns humility but is the biggest pleasure-seeker I have ever known. Also gets extremely angry if he thinks he is insulted. He also often says that emotions are useless, etc. etc. I don't necessarily think he is full-blown NPD, but I do see strong narcissistic traits in him.

About grandiose fantasies: from what I understand, grandiose daydreaming is not uncommon at all. It becomes pathological when you think that is what you ARE.

I know this is easier said than done, but you have nothing to be ashamed about with your gender identity and your orientation. It really is the world that is at fault here, not you.

It's not for me to say. But when you do get therapy, ask the therapist about a possible histrionic/borderline/narcissist combination. And stay away from the parents! You can do the NPI test online and locate yourself on the N Spectrum. Also try the NPA test. Good luck!!

Try this also

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit ... er_test.mv

Robert Lutece wrote:First of all, I am quite convinced my father is a narcissist, and I fear his behavior perhaps rubbed onto me. You cannot tell my dad he is wrong. He will lash out in intense anger. He thinks he's brilliant and anytime he claims to be humble, it always seems shallow. He would never admit he has an issue. He is a "Christian" and uses this to excuse being a huge bigot. Towards anyone not white, towards LGBT people, towards women, towards the mentally ill. (I myself am transgender and bisexual.) Because of all this, I grew up experiencing intense shame. I believe this could contribute to me possibly having NPD.

It could be, but this seems more like paranoid PD.

Where to begin? Well, I think the first major symptom of NPD that aroused my suspicions is the part about fantasizing. I fantasize about fame constantly. I am a writer. It's my passion, and I fantasize constantly about fame and being seen as the greatest author who ever lived. I truly believe that the story I have to tell is the greatest in the world, and nobody could convince me otherwise, because I view myself as so superior in terms of intelligence. On one hand, I can understand it's possible this might not happen, but at the same time, I'm so convinced it will someday. My fantasizes are elaborate. I also fantasize about being a famous singer (I like to sing, although it's not as much of a passion of mine,) incredible artist (again, I like it, but my main passion is writing,) amazingly beautiful, and as silly as this next one sounds, even a famous blogger. I realize I probably won't be seen as the greatest author of all time, but I know that I really am, and just the idea that others won't agree makes me hate, well, anyone who wouldn't view me like that. I can admit flaws in my writing, in my singing, and so on, but I do believe that someday I will become the greatest ever. I can't, however, see flaws in my story itself, and its character. That is perfect to me. I manage to keep improving it, somehow, but if anyone pointed out supposed flaws in it, I would call them wrong. I never notice flaws, necessarily, just expand upon it and make it better. That's how I view it.

Well, while this can be a bit narcissistic, what DSM refers goes a little beyound that. It is like you are so preocuppied with your writing, that you have no time for your family or job, when it gets to this level this is a sympton of NPD. Daydreaming alone is more like AvPD.

I judge others instantly. I truly feel that I can read others like a book. I know exactly what they're thinking, and I tend to assume the worst. They're thinking something stupid, something about me that's wrong because I'm clearly superior, something like that. I hate this in myself. Not even because I experience remorse, or anything. I just don't, because I know I'm right. I hate it because it's exhausting. I'm constantly thinking about how inferior others are and how much I hate them. I'm always angry because I'm not given all the attention I want, and in exactly the manner I would want it given. I have expectations for others that I know are unrealistic, but it frustrates me and causes me to hate others regardless when they don't meet them. I basically want everyone to think like me, I think any opinion other than my own is wrong, but at the same time, I wouldn't want anyone to be equal to me. If I noticed anyone admittedly better than me at about anything, or anything I'm passionate about, at least (writing in particular,) I experience two major things. The first is extreme envy. The other is that I deserve their company, and deserve them to tell me I'm great. I almost view people like objects in that way. I feel like it's not really a problem for me to view others like this, because I am just so fantastic. People should be honored that I would even talk to them is how I view it. That people don't view it like that more and really think about it like that angers me.

Again this seens a bit more like paranoid PD, however this is difficult.

As you might have gathered from the last paragraph, I am incredibly easily hurt by criticism of any kind. It makes me feel angry towards others, although I usually keep it bottled up. I've always felt like this but never said it, because I just somehow knew I wasn't supposed to. I mean, other people don't act like this. I wouldn't want anyone acting like this to me. I knew that if I expressed my true feelings like this, I wouldn't have any friends.

Do you get hurt or angry? The first is more tipical of avoidants, and the later of paranoids, nevertheless narcissists will most of the time just deny the criticism atributing it to jealous others.


Well, I just pinpointed something, I think you would really benefit from therapy.

To expand upon my grandiose fantasies, there is a lot about them I do believe. For example, I do truly believe I am creating the best story possible. Obviously there's aspects of my fantasies I know I don't have. I'm not a celebrity or anything... but as far as I'm concerned, there should be a "yet" there. I am very convinced anything in my fantasies that I don't currently have I will eventually. I would consider my life worthless if I didn't achieve all of my elaborate fantasies. Just the thought of it possibly not happening makes me feel depressed. I know it's technically a possibility, but at the same time, I just cannot believe it.

Oh, thankfully I am okay with my gender identity and sexual orientation. I am now, at least. It took me awhile, and I was consumed with shame when I was younger, and intense fear of hell I suspect derived from OCD didn't help.

I sure would love to stay away from my parents, but unfortunately I am still living with them and have no other options at this point in time. I plan on cutting them out of my life as soon as I possibly can, though. They're toxic, especially my dad.

I have already taken the NPI test, actually, and I scored very high. Thanks for your link, Solstice, I took that and it was interesting. I scored very high for narcissism, but also for borderline and schizotypical, which kind of surprised me. I scored very high for histrionic which surprised me somewhat less, but I always felt like potential symptoms of histrionic in me also existed in NPD, and that it would fit me better. I scored very high for obsessive-compulsive which doesn't surprise me at all. I scored very high for dependent which I can see. I got high for paranoid and schizoid. Paranoid I can see, schizoid I wouldn't have guessed so much. Antisocial I got moderate for, but I'm not eighteen so I'd disregard that. I scored high for avoidant.

My fantasies can affect my interactions with others, as I tend to expect people to treat me according to the view of myself in fantasies. I can experience intense anger at obligations, the need to do work, as I essentially feel like I am above it and should be instead working at all costs, whenever I can, towards achieving my goals. When I'm interacting with others, it pretty much has to be about my interests (usually my writing, but sometimes other interests,) or else I feel bored and annoyed.

Honestly I kind of feel all three when I'm criticized: angry, hurt, and like others are jealous. Sometimes I feel like people are too dumb to be jealous, though, but that they should be. It just depends on the person, really.

Something I thought I might add: I lie often and think of myself as a fantastic liar. If anyone claims to know how I'm actually thinking, I tend to assume they're lying. I'm honestly kind of proud about how good at lying I am.

I really would love to seek therapy. :/ I probably can in a couple of years or so. That said, thanks to everyone who has read and posted.

Can I remind people that psychiatrists have always considered narcissism to be a overlay condition and not a separate condition in its own right. So prior to 1980 they may have, for instance, diagnosed someone as having Borderline Personality Disorder with high narcissism.