by heracles » Sat May 12, 2012 12:34 am
On another forum, I mentioned that I was narcissistic. A member responded, probably to be kind, said I probably wasn’t. Well, maybe not in the technical sense as defined by clinical or some other psychological system, but I’m pretty sure I am in the usual, “dictionary definition” of the word. I am vain, and have been since childhood. But my problem, maybe since my twenties, I’ve been conflicted about my looks. And looking good is deeply ingrained in my sense of self and self-esteem. It’s not all of it, but an integral part. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Now that I’m losing my looks, my sense of identity and what I have the possibility of being and doing, confidently and happily, is threatened. That’s my best analysis of the source of my depression and anxiety at this stage in my life. So maybe I don’t have body dysmorphia. Maybe it’s narcissism. Here are some comments on this thread.
Butterfly Faerie
Yes, I think I have tended to overeact to criticism. I can be very touchy, defensive, paranoid. I think I’ve tried to work on this, and not over-react, but how well I’ve been doing, I don’t know.
Do I “use others” to reach goals? Doesn’t everybody? Certainly I’ve sought out people’s help, but I think I also try to help others. So maybe I can be a little calculating---hey, I have to survive, don’t I---but I think I’ve been kind and helpful to others as well.
Do I exaggerate my own importance? Well, maybe I am important, and maybe my true importance won't be fully realized until I die. I don’t want to try to beat my head against a wall trying to get others to acknowledge my importance, if indeed it is above normal, but see no reason to put on a pretense of false humility. Maybe I’m important, maybe I’m not. It’s an open question.
Do I entertain unrealistic fantasies about achievements, power, beauty, intelligence or romance? Absolutely! I’ve done this for years. Power fantasies especially. They help me get to sleep many a night. Is it really so bad to dream? Who doesn’t?
"Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment". Absolutely “no” to this. On the contrary, I expect most people to treat me in a pleasantly dismissive way, as I usually perceive them doing. I don’t want favorable treatment, but I don’t like people or governments unjustly standing in my way. "Give me what I deserve! It's my right!" (I hear ya Lucinda.) I think I’m also considerate of other people’s freedoms and rights, and am conscientious about observing them.
Telling a (supposed) narcissist “Because you are obviously such an intelligent and sensitive person, I’m sure that, working together, we can get you past your current difficulties”, is very condescending and insulting. It positively drips with sarcasm. Should someone, however impeccable their “credentials”, with this much contempt for narcissists, be treating them?
I DO have empathy and compassion for others, very much so. I’m usually very polite. Yes, I’ve gotten into arguments with family members where we’ve had “words”, and they with me, I would think just about everybody has. I don’t consider myself “abusive” at all.
Thank you, Tyciol, for coming to our defense!
Maybe my narcissism (if that’s what I really have) is healthy. But since it seems to revolve very strongly around my physical appearance, as I age, it is becoming a problem for me. So I do need to adjust it. I don’t know how I’m going to do that or even if it’s my only problem. If the atheists and materialists are right, and death is just a dreamless sleep, maybe I can comfort myself with the knowledge that this heartache will all one day be over. On the other hand……
Undenied
I like these definitions much better. They don’t seem quite as judgemental.
I agree the very concept of narcissism is wide ranging and varying, yet, all who use the word, seem to agree they’re talking about essentially the same mindset.
Good point about the paradox of the narcissist being both self-centered and feeling worthless. That’s me to a T. At times I’m insufferably pleased with myself. At others, I’m ashamed of and hate myself. It’s a roller coaster ride.
I am secretly very jealous of young and good looking people. I envy and crave their youth and beauty so much it sickens me. I almost wish psychic vampirism were a reality (though I know it isn’t and can never be), as I’d feed off them if I could. I don’t hate them. Though I wish I'd spent it better, I’ve had my day in the sun. I’m not pleased with myself about this jealousy, but it’s very visceral and hard to control.
Yes, I’m a perfectionist. If I fall short of my ideals, physical or characterological, real or imagined, I feel terrible, ashamed.
Conclusions
Yes, I am fairly sure I am a narcissist. On the whole, I fit the profile. But I don’t know where I fit between the moderate and extreme range. I’m not the abusive, callous, histrionic, amoral cad that several people on this forum have been victims of. (I do wonder, BTW, if there were “two” in the “tango” of these relationships.) I think I’m pretty considerate, empathetic, and mild-mannered, all the while being rather self-absorbed and, non-violently, and ethically of course, calculating. I suppose I’m complex. Even my level of narcissism, whether healthy or not, I suspect is a major source of the intense anxiety I've been having since last fall. (It’s off and on, sometimes it’s not so bad, but it can come in unexpected surges). So, I need to come up with some “psychological devices” to deal with and cope with it.
The inner life of the secret schizoid is incommunicable.