NPD men in relationships with BPD women

Kiskiskis wrote:

anxietykiller wrote: I guess you can see I use sex as power, as well.

Do you? they do not really talk about this BPD forum.
Dark and introverted.

I also use it to power. Just as it would be more acceptable than overpower and manipulate intellectually.
OT

Eh I was kind of being facetious. I guess I use sex to my benefit(fulfill my need for acceptance and love even if momentarily?). I assume, though, if its fulfilling a need of mine that it is in a sense my power? I don't know if that makes sense. I don't like being in control, I like being controlled. I guess I use my body to find men who will control me. N's gravitate toward a chick like me, and I gravitate towards them.

Sorry, I took it literally. But there is ofter some truth in jokes too.
You don't like being in control! Well I do.

anxietykiller wrote:. Yes I get it. But being borderline I'd be lying if I said taking advantage of our high degree of vulnerability and emotionality didn't..... rub me the wrong way. However, I am in your sandbox over here in NPD land.

Thank you for the compliment. I guess you can see I use sex as power, as well.

My holidays were pretty good. I spent it with really good friends. Not like the cold environment at my families. How were yours? I figured you were busy with the holidays. Take your time getting back to me.

Killer,

This is just as much your sandbox as it is any NPD's. In fact your perspective may actually be more valuable because you give us the contrasting view from the BPD side. Without that there'd just be a bunch of narcs here stroking each other off lol. Seriously though we need more women like you contributing so don't feel as though this thread is about taking advantage of BPD'S, it's an open dialog so that both sides can learn and share their experiences.

That said, like Harkness, you too will be getting an alternate perspective. You should be able to walk away knowing what the men you fall for are doing to you so in the future you have the upper hand. My last post outlines some of those tactics. Harkness even agreed this what we do. Sex is a byproduct, it's the power we seek because through power we get both sex and supply. I may be speaking out of place because I am not NPD, but power is the name of the game. And why not, we make peace with what we are and move on. I have expressed in several threads that BPD's/NPD's/ASPD's are best suited to intermingle with each other because we mitigate the damage that we can cause to Non's who really never had a shot a healthy relationship with us to begin with. I know that's a cynical view, but I think there is some sense to it.

sach wrote:

VirginiaEsquire wrote:It's the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my life.

why the hell do you guys put up with crazy bpd antics? i just pulled the worst possible things with my narc and he STILL WANTED TO STAY IN TOUCH.
/
why? is it like playing with fire or playing chicken?

Sach,

If there is a level of self awareness, then the BPD partner is the perfect host. We are dually parasitic with BPD's (if there is such a thing). I'd say symbiotic but that would imply a healthy relationship. BPD's are givers and NPD's are takers. BPD's provide the NPD with endless supply, and NPD's provide the BPD with that familiar sense of impending abandonment. The BPD can act out all they want and the NPD's natural reaction is to distance himself. Now the BPD has to give more to ensure the NPD does not abandon.... Supply and demand beautifully f*cking illustrated lol.

Is it like playing with fire... Sorta, but honestly few Non's would put up with the bull sh*t that N's put out.... BPD's on the other hand.... All day long. Almost like nature intended it in some twisted way.

Harkness wrote:.I know exactly what you mean. But I feel like we've reached a natural conclusion. I'm done with it.

Harkness,

Why now do you feel it's reached it's natural conclusion, how long have you two been on and off? What about this time is different. Is it her calling it quits or you? Seems to me that if nothing else you could keep in on the "carousel" given the advantage you have. Is she rebounding?

synthetic emotion wrote:

sach wrote:

VirginiaEsquire wrote:It's the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my life.

why the hell do you guys put up with crazy bpd antics? i just pulled the worst possible things with my narc and he STILL WANTED TO STAY IN TOUCH.
/
why? is it like playing with fire or playing chicken?

Sach,

If there is a level of self awareness, then the BPD partner is the perfect host. We are dually parasitic with BPD's (if there is such a thing). I'd say symbiotic but that would imply a healthy relationship. BPD's are givers and NPD's are takers. BPD's provide the NPD with endless supply, and NPD's provide the BPD with that familiar sense of impending abandonment. The BPD can act out all they want and the NPD's natural reaction is to distance himself. Now the BPD has to give more to ensure the NPD does not abandon.... Supply and demand beautifully f*cking illustrated lol.

Is it like playing with fire... Sorta, but honestly few Non's would put up with the bull sh*t that N's put out.... BPD's on the other hand.... All day long. Almost like nature intended it in some twisted way.

the difference i think is that i want to end the cycle, i want a healthy or at least a healthier relationship. i understand how it's complentary. hell, my parents are the worst combo- the same combo- a narcissist father and a bpd mother.

they got separated ( he refuesd to divorced for years) when i was 12. they still talk to this day. my father is a carciature, i had no idea what he was suffering from until i learned about narcissism. he's incapable of true love, he only loved me when i did things he liked and because i was beautiful and he enjoyed basking in the glow of it. lame. as for my mother she stupidly talks to him again but then again, he's the only one who will tolerate her.

i guess it's a win/win for both, but a huge ultimate loss since they'er both really sad and sick people/.

Sach,

It's funny you said that... My dad only gives a sh*t about me too because I look like him lol. He's N too lol. I think BPD's do want the cycles to end but N's often don't believe there is anything wrong to begin with. I know there is something wrong, but my view of the world is so cynical and inferior that I honestly feel that being ASPD (although very contained) gives me an advantage. I'm not without emotion, but I've come to a lot of realizations with therapy. I think of it as a trade off, I give up a lot of emotional highs in exchange for not experiencing the lows that come from true intamacy. Funny thing, it was a sadistic relationship with a BPD that gave me the introspection to seek therapy.

synthetic emotion wrote:Sach,

It's funny you said that... My dad only gives a sh*t about me too because I look like him lol. He's N too lol. I think BPD's do want the cycles to end but N's often don't believe there is anything wrong to begin with. I know there is something wrong, but my view of the world is so cynical and inferior that I honestly feel that being ASPD (although very contained) gives me an advantage. I'm not without emotion, but I've come to a lot of realizations with therapy. I think of it as a trade off, I give up a lot of emotional highs in exchange for not experiencing the lows that come from true intamacy. Funny thing, it was a sadistic relationship with a BPD that gave me the introspection to seek therapy.

hmmm, my narc kept on saying it was a bad idea and how we do the same cycle again and again. he did see soemthing wrong with it. the problem was i could never get back to the idealization phase with him, i know he could with me at times, he would say "i really had fun with with you" while i would shrug. i just never trusted him again not to pull the same crap to see him in positive light again. he was always black through out, i just felt guilty so i would try to get along with him again but i never ever saw him as "perfect" or "wonderful" again because he woudln't meet my needs. the supply had run dry. all the got was negative attention, that man got so much abuse from me. i have no idea how he took it.

what was he holding on to? i mean i did get to him, that much i know. he said he really liked the "intimacy" we had. is that a huge thing for a narc? intimacy? would he even know what that word meant?

sach wrote:hmmm, my narc kept on saying it was a bad idea and how we do the same cycle again and again. he did see soemthing wrong with it. the problem was i could never get back to the idealization phase with him, i know he could with me at times, he would say "i really had fun with with you" while i would shrug. i just never trusted him again not to pull the same crap to see him in positive light again. he was always black through out, i just felt guilty so i would try to get along with him again but i never ever saw him as "perfect" or "wonderful" again because he woudln't meet my needs. the supply had run dry. all the got was negative attention, that man got so much abuse from me. i have no idea how he took it.

what was he holding on to? i mean i did get to him, that much i know. he said he really liked the "intimacy" we had. is that a huge thing for a narc? intimacy? would he even know what that word meant?

You may be one of the stronger ones Sach. I cannot comment specifically on the NPD's reaction as I am ASPD. Both N's and BPD's posses far more capability to invest emotionally than I do. I am not trying to offend anyone or "trigger" any members but I will share a bit of my story. Let me also say that I am in therapy and trying to curb my appetites Unlike the N's my primary interest was not supply but pain. That was my thing. My BPDex never stopped idealizing me for two reasons. I immediately established that her love was worthless. She opened up about her past (naively), past relationships, sex partners, etc. I used that against her. No matter how much she idealized me I made it clear in my actions and words that her adulation meant nothing to not only me but any man. The second thing I did was establish myself a superior in every way. Not only was her love worthless, even it
It had value it was not good enough for me. My purposes....(try not to judge).. I got my rocks off by seeing her suffer. When she suffered she felt the need to have sex to prove her value, but the effect of what I had done was so deep at that point that all it did was make her feel more worthless because I would immediately leave. Then she would suffer more and feel the need to give sex over and over. So in a sense my "supply" was not validation like the N's but the sadistic
Thrill that came from her pain. This pain only augmented the sensation we both had during sex. It was pretty sick, I know that now. I am trying to come to grips with feeling some sort of guilt for it. I eventually became board, my appetites grew for others and I let my game slip. She was all but broken by then and some poor guy picked her up. Heaven help him. This
Was about 6 months ago now and she is still contacting me regardless of this other guy. I think I took her to the edge and now she needs a "tormentor" to give her a sense of normality. I won't lie... I am temped at times to go back. What holds me at bay is that she is with some other guy and in my mind I am disgusted by that. Like she is now been sullied and is unwashed. Scary thing... One day that guy will be gone like all the others and she will come right back... They always do. Perhaps you can shed some like on why that is Sach. After what I pulled. Mind you
She and I have been doing the dance for almost a decade and every time I take a bit more.... And she
Keeps giving?

synthetic emotion wrote:

sach wrote:hmmm, my narc kept on saying it was a bad idea and how we do the same cycle again and again. he did see soemthing wrong with it. the problem was i could never get back to the idealization phase with him, i know he could with me at times, he would say "i really had fun with with you" while i would shrug. i just never trusted him again not to pull the same crap to see him in positive light again. he was always black through out, i just felt guilty so i would try to get along with him again but i never ever saw him as "perfect" or "wonderful" again because he woudln't meet my needs. the supply had run dry. all the got was negative attention, that man got so much abuse from me. i have no idea how he took it.

what was he holding on to? i mean i did get to him, that much i know. he said he really liked the "intimacy" we had. is that a huge thing for a narc? intimacy? would he even know what that word meant?

You may be one of the stronger ones Sach. I cannot comment specifically on the NPD's reaction as I am ASPD. Both N's and BPD's posses far more capability to invest emotionally than I do. I am not trying to offend anyone or "trigger" any members but I will share a bit of my story. Let me also say that I am in therapy and trying to curb my appetites Unlike the N's my primary interest was not supply but pain. That was my thing. My BPDex never stopped idealizing me for two reasons. I immediately established that her love was worthless. She opened up about her past (naively), past relationships, sex partners, etc. I used that against her. No matter how much she idealized me I made it clear in my actions and words that her adulation meant nothing to not only me but any man. The second thing I did was establish myself a superior in every way. Not only was her love worthless, even it
It had value it was not good enough for me. My purposes....(try not to judge).. I got my rocks off by seeing her suffer. When she suffered she felt the need to have sex to prove her value, but the effect of what I had done was so deep at that point that all it did was make her feel more worthless because I would immediately leave. Then she would suffer more and feel the need to give sex over and over. So in a sense my "supply" was not validation like the N's but the sadistic
Thrill that came from her pain. This pain only augmented the sensation we both had during sex. It was pretty sick, I know that now. I am trying to come to grips with feeling some sort of guilt for it. I eventually became board, my appetites grew for others and I let my game slip. She was all but broken by then and some poor guy picked her up. Heaven help him. This
Was about 6 months ago now and she is still contacting me regardless of this other guy. I think I took her to the edge and now she needs a "tormentor" to give her a sense of normality. I won't lie... I am temped at times to go back. What holds me at bay is that she is with some other guy and in my mind I am disgusted by that. Like she is now been sullied and is unwashed. Scary thing... One day that guy will be gone like all the others and she will come right back... They always do. Perhaps you can shed some like on why that is Sach. After what I pulled. Mind you
She and I have been doing the dance for almost a decade and every time I take a bit more.... And she
Keeps giving?

well, she probably thinks she deserves that kind of treatment at some messed up level, it really depends on how damaged you really are inside- i know that i'm damaged but i also know that i can get vindictive and shut things down if needed. i'm cruel in some ways. well a decade of that kind of crap is going to be especially damaging to someone. i think she probably let it happen because she probably was infliecting damage to herself becuase of self hatred. she wanted to be punished and you were her punisher. another terrible thing about bpd is that abandonment and hurt is part of the code, we want to be abandoned and hurt, and then we can't bear to be alone so we seek for contact again and forgiveness. it's pretty much trying to get love from a stone, from an unavailable source. in your bpd case, she probably had a worse childhood than mine, from the sounds of it. she probably equates not just distance and abandonment but actual pain as love.

ten years ago i might have been ok with a guy coming over and ######6 me and leaving...it was because it was also what i wanted. i wanted emotionless, no strings tie, anonymous sex. i thought that was what i wanted because it wouldn't hurt me because i woudlnt' get attached. but as we all know now, the abandonment creates attachment, it's not the sex per se. it's the rejection. it also depends on the bpd. we have different levels of tolerance. as i mentioned in another forum, when my high school boyfriend of two years abandoned me without even notice, i had to find out from a friend that he just got a new girlfriend and vanished...i got upset for a day or two but by the end of the week, he was out of my head, gone....because he had gone too far. he was painted black. it was like he never existed. i dont'remember how i felt about him now....most normal people remember bonds. anyway, it's unfortunate your bpd coudlnt' do that....to walk away when it got too damaging but again, that's a personal self esteem thing. we just all need to value ourselves a bit more...