NPD men in relationships with BPD women

RedLotus wrote:I know that I have to work on me, not him. I cannot change him, no matter how much I long for it.

Yeah I get that. As you and The Narcissist pointed out he is getting his supply, so why should he change?

On the other hand, if you change significantly your behavior and attitude about yourself and him, he may change. He certainly won't change otherwise. I'm not saying he will, but it isn't inconceivable that he would respond in some way to changes on your side. Or is he really a fixed, immovable impenetrable block?

freyja wrote:On the other hand, if you change significantly your behavior and attitude about yourself and him, he may change. He certainly won't change otherwise. I'm not saying he will, but it isn't inconceivable that he would respond in some way to changes on your side. Or is he really a fixed, immovable impenetrable block?

I have been changing my behavior and attitudes for over a year now, and he does make the appearance of changing and wanting what I want in our relationship...then I will discover another lie, another girl, another business trip that I never knew about sigh... All while we were promising to be fully committed to complete honesty in our marriage.

I am at the point now that even if he swore on his life that he would never lie again and that he has told me the truth about all of his indescretions and lies during our relationship, I would never believe him. I guess that is my real problem. I am ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I keep saying I need to figure out why he stays, when I really don't give a sh*t anymore, because no matter what I will never believe he will ever tell me the whole truth about anything. I will never trust him.

Me staying married to him is the only supply he needs from me.

synthetic emotion wrote: How long did it last? Who was the dominant partner?

This was three years ago before I knew I had NPD. We broke up Dec 25, 2011. (Yes Christmas day! On the way back from going to morning church)
It lasted 10 months.

I pretty much dictated everything from start to finish. I think she tried to get back control by paying guilt trips on me saying she was in so much tremendous pain being with me.
I would respond, "If you are in that much pain I think we should break up." And she never got anywhere.
Sometimes she would talk about killing herself, I would say "If you decided to do that I am not going to stop you." My x-wife had a few attempts and I wasn't going to deal with that again. So I meant what I said and she knew it. Sometimes she would slap herself in the face and I would just look at her amused.

One day she had it and threw the ring I gave her at me and told me to get out of the house 1st thing in the morning.
When morning came she said she couldn't sleep all night and was terrified of being alone. And begged me to stay. without asking She grabbed the ring from on top of my desk and put it back on her finger. The relationship dragged on for a few more months.

During the middle months of our relationship we both started walking on eggshells around each-other. She didn't want to be lectured about anything, I had a bad habit of pointing out things I thought she was doing wrong so that she could improve. I thought I was doing her a service. (its an NPD thing...) I finally figured out that it really bothered her when I sad anything something that was even mildly critical. So I stopped saying things that were critical.

I tried to be very careful how I phrased things, what expressions I made with my face and even what thoughts I was thinking. It didn't matter what I said or did anymore she still assumed that behind everything was a cutting remark about her. And give me an earful of "Your thinking bad thought about me again!" I tried saying "No! I wasn't! Not at all!" It was the truth but she would never believe me.
So I would just walk away and shut myself up in my room and lock the door, but earplugs in and avoid her for a while. I was living at her home but in an earlier deal I forced her to let me have one of the rooms all to my self so I could flee and cool off when I needed to.
The first several months we sleep in the same bed every night (that was quite nice while it lasted ) but the last few months I usually retreated to my room and locked the door.

What was the attraction?

I spoke her language (Japanese). She said I looked like Jesus, I don't think so. (When I had long hair and was weighted 30 pounds less I sort of did...) I was an emotional wreck from my very recent divorce so she took mercy on me and wanted to help me become a whole person again.
Initially I was hired to be her interpreter/translator after a few days and after hearing my story she told me that was interested in me and offered to be my girlfriend.

She was several years older but still quite good looking and she had money. I felt it must be fate and jumped at the idea. A month later we were living together.

How and why did it end?

As it went on I got more and more tired of her constant paranoia. I would have to convince her nearly every night that I wasn't planning on dumping her and going back to my x-wife. This really got old and was the largest reason why I started sleeping in a different room so I didn't have to listen to this every night.

I spent a lot of time with her from Dec 23rd and ended not getting any sleep for 2 days. By Christmas morning I was very edgy and knew I could be set off easily. I told her no more talking about her fears for a while. I needed to calm down.
Driving home she start talking again and I said "I need to drive in peace right now, DO NOT open your mouth until we get home."
She choose to do her passive-aggressive mumbling not loud enough that I can hear what she was saying but enough that I could tell she was saying something. Even on a good day this drives me nuts, its a real pet-peeve of mine.
I lost it. pulled off to the side of the road. I back-handed slapped her on the shoulder, and yelled at her "Are You trying to get us killed!?! I driving on the freeway!"

This is the last time I saw her, and she took the next fight back to Japan and she is terrified even to talk to me via e-mail now.

To The Narcissist,

Looking back, what did you learn about yourself in that relationship? And re the why question, do you think there is more to why the relationship ended than that she became terrified? At what point did you know in your heart that it was over? For me this is quite often before the actual end.

disfunctional + disfunctional = very disfunctional
but than again who would date an npd or borderline
funny thing is you can read it
most ppl can
it's never suddle
not the npd (real not selfdiagnoses)
not bpd
they deserve etch other

freyja wrote:Looking back, what did you learn about yourself in that relationship? And re the why question, do you think there is more to why the relationship ended than that she became terrified? At what point did you know in your heart that it was over? For me this is quite often before the actual end.

My heart was over the relationship a few months AFTER the relationship was over. Not certain but I think this was the case for her too. We had our problems but without that event at the end I don't think the relationship would have ended anytime soon.

I learned I need to keep my mouth shut more often. I was too honest about my feelings about my x-wife, she didn't need to know what I felt about her, we were not getting back together and that's all she needed or wanted to know. Also my opinions are often best left un-said.
And I learned how terrible it is for someone who has BPD. She was in a lot of pain and most of that was not from me.

sub_missing wrote:

Harkness wrote:

Pennylanes1 wrote: hi harkness.

Stop flirting with me.

I think that deep down all the women with BPD in this forum have a secret crush on you.

You personify the noble version of the N that we wish he would exhibit towards us as well

I agree with this statement

^ is someone bored tonight or what?

green m+m wrote:^ is someone bored tonight or what?

Very insightful.

Aren't you insightful enough to know this is an old thread and that poster is gone?