NPD men in relationships with BPD women

purple tulips wrote:Sach, as we mentioned before this was only a 3 month interaction right? By month 9 or 10 usually they start waving other chicks in front of us (just my experience). As long as he doesnt think you are "hooked" he will continue to play bf material. Its when you are hooked the games really begin. (Opinion based on my experience, this is not fact)

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:
the only thing he has going for him is that when he does have a girlfriend or a alternative source of supply, we stop talking. so maybe he doesn't cheat.

That might be the answer. If he stops talking to you when he has a GF, it suggests that he isn't the cheating type. But, knowing the narc mind, it also suggests that he goes where the supply is. The only time I feel tempted (entitled) to cheat is when my GF is withholding the affection I want. It's possible he slept with someone else during a lull in your relationship. Did you ever withhold sex? That would do it for me. Except i wouldn't keep it a secret. But I wouldn't feel like I cheated either. I'd feel entitled.

sach wrote:

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:
as for cheating, he was never obvious about it. there was no evidence, i just never saw him very often towards the end so it wasn't anything but it was more the idea of deception and our shared history. i just had a feeling. he also never texts, so if he got one i was pretty sure it was from a girl. last time, it wsa pretty obvious when he woudln't let me near his phone. although who would want a crazy ex near their phone? it was gaslighting. he didn't present himself as upstanding and moral but i'm sure he ddint' want to come off as a creep. he kept on saying he didn't cheat and only dated one girl at a time. pffffffft.

Do you think he might have been telling the truth? Do you think it's at least possible that he wasn't cheating?

well, there was evidence with the used condoms, he tried to pass them off as his friend who was crashing there. he was sleeping with another chick when he saw he occasionally ( i was fine with fwb at the time), he kept on saying tht he wasnt with anyone. i wanted to know for health reasons which i think is fair...there was long hair that wasn't mine in his hair brush. all that could be explained away but no, there were no overt obvious ones, i never caught him let's say...

he still says he never cheated on me when we were together. i don't know. that was the problem, is the problem of gaslighting. it's not fun that he cheated but if he had admitted to it, at least it'll be something, my perceptions would have been right. i could trust myself. when someone gaslights it messes with their heads...as you narcs know. i still think he did. knwoing the nature of narcs and all the little pieces of evidence, why wouldn't he? what was there to stop him? the only thing he has going for him is that when he does have a girlfriend or a alternative source of supply, we stop talking. so maybe he doesn't cheat.

see it's not even about him or narcissms per se, it's about me and my faith in myself, perceptions and self esteem.

i don't think it was ever really about him, he was a prop for my issues. he could have been anyone...

-- Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:27 am --

purple tulips wrote:Sach, as we mentioned before this was only a 3 month interaction right? By month 9 or 10 usually they start waving other chicks in front of us (just my experience). As long as he doesnt think you are "hooked" he will continue to play bf material. Its when you are hooked the games really begin. (Opinion based on my experience, this is not fact)

well he never even makes it to the 9 month mark. he's ohly had like 3 long term relationships that have lasted longer than 4 months. i asked him. huge warning red flag but i was the chick who had never had a relatiobship. i never told him this. ha

-- Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:33 am --

purple tulips wrote:Sach, as we mentioned before this was only a 3 month interaction right? By month 9 or 10 usually they start waving other chicks in front of us (just my experience). As long as he doesnt think you are "hooked" he will continue to play bf material. Its when you are hooked the games really begin. (Opinion based on my experience, this is not fact)

i didn't know he was a narc, i thought he might have had commitment issues and was arrogant but i didn't know it was a pathology. if i did i would have continued to play it differently. it had broken down precisely when i stopped playing games and began revealing my real feelings and insecurities. if i had continued to play it off like it was a casual whatever relationship and that he was adorable but didn't matter to me, i think we would have been fine.

as to if i i want a relationship that could never be real is a different matter. why date someone who's going to hurt you as soon as you pronounce you care unless you really didn't...then it's game on.

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:
the only thing he has going for him is that when he does have a girlfriend or a alternative source of supply, we stop talking. so maybe he doesn't cheat.

But, knowing the narc mind, it also suggests that he goes where the supply is.

Kiskiskis wrote:

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:
the only thing he has going for him is that when he does have a girlfriend or a alternative source of supply, we stop talking. so maybe he doesn't cheat.

But, knowing the narc mind, it also suggests that he goes where the supply is.

Its just this.
My ex did this.
He can talk to you, if he has no other better source.
It does not have anything else into it. You are being exploited.
I am quite sure he cheated - too much weird stuff. But he will never admit it. Why would he?

sach wrote:haha, i became poor supply, i never did idealize him again. he was split black, i couldn't even pretend that i saw him anything other than someone below me. it was the most bizarre thing, he would spend so much time trying to win me over, every time. it became a game, i guess that was the game and the ego trip. let's break the ice maiden, who will hate me again every time.

that's pretty odd, most people form attachments to other people. i wouldn't just talk to the brighter shinier packaged guy if i was married to someone for ten years. the new person might be objectively better but i would have ties. that's the whole point of relationships. otherwise it's just economics and exchange/barter relationships.

is that what a narc relationship is? just a break down of someone's objective traits, like let's say a new teddy bear? you have one that's been around for four years that has been your source of comfort but the new teddy bear talks when you pull a string and has a shiny hat and outfit that comes along with it. therefore, you dump the new teddy bear for the old one, regardless of your relationship with the old teddy bear? And since the new teddy bear's value decreases with time and deflates in value, you have to constantly replace that teddy bear, trying to get the best market value for your dollar?

how's that analogy?

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:haha, i became poor supply, i never did idealize him again. he was split black, i couldn't even pretend that i saw him anything other than someone below me. it was the most bizarre thing, he would spend so much time trying to win me over, every time. it became a game, i guess that was the game and the ego trip. let's break the ice maiden, who will hate me again every time.

that's pretty odd, most people form attachments to other people. i wouldn't just talk to the brighter shinier packaged guy if i was married to someone for ten years. the new person might be objectively better but i would have ties. that's the whole point of relationships. otherwise it's just economics and exchange/barter relationships.

is that what a narc relationship is? just a break down of someone's objective traits, like let's say a new teddy bear? you have one that's been around for four years that has been your source of comfort but the new teddy bear talks when you pull a string and has a shiny hat and outfit that comes along with it. therefore, you dump the new teddy bear for the old one, regardless of your relationship with the old teddy bear? And since the new teddy bear's value decreases with time and deflates in value, you have to constantly replace that teddy bear, trying to get the best market value for your dollar?

how's that analogy?

you guys are great as friends, but i could never date one again, now thati know what this is...

sach wrote:

makes sense, whoever subjugates more. i guess you guys would take a more submissive, easier to control girl over a hotter better girl?

Harkness wrote:

sach wrote:

makes sense, whoever subjugates more. i guess you guys would take a more submissive, easier to control girl over a hotter better girl?

I actually have no need to control a girl, even though I'm very sensitive to power dynamics (I don't allow women to have any power over me). If I'm not getting what I want in a relationship I don't try to salvage it or control her, I just walk and find a new one. I think that trying to control a girl is too try-hard. If she wants to walk I wont try to stop her.

sach wrote:
you're a moderate narc. i'm going to assume you didn't really hurt your bpd too much....