NPD men in relationships with BPD women

That IS interesting! The BPD's would have you believe something very different? Then let me ask you this, ego aside, who has naturally has the upper hand in that relationship, the NPD, or the BPD? The BPD seems to think that the NPD's walk Away with getting more out of the relationship even if it is toxic. The BPD stories in have read also express that their relationships with NPD men were their most memorable and that they loved them more than the other non men in their lives. Thoughts?

synthetic emotion wrote:That IS interesting! The BPD's would have you believe something very different? Then let me ask you this, ego aside, who has naturally has the upper hand in that relationship, the NPD, or the BPD? The BPD seems to think that the NPD's walk Away with getting more out of the relationship even if it is toxic. The BPD stories in have read also express that their relationships with NPD men were their most memorable and that they loved them more than the other non men in their lives. Thoughts?

I think because the BPDs experience emotions more freely and strongly than the NPD, it probably impacts them more in the long run when the relationship ends. I don't really feel like I've gotten more out of the relationship. It still hurts when it ends. And I also tend to agree with the BPDs that the "love" that comes along with the relationship, or let's just say the emotions that it generates in me (since that whole "Can Narcissists love?" question remains unanswered) are stronger than the emotions generated in me by Nons. Looking back through my life, the few women who I have felt extremely strong feelings for are women I now realize exhibited very strong Cluster B traits of either the BPD or HPD variety.

My relationship with my ex was a paradox. We had something in common on a very deep level, yet we were miles apart. The issue of dominance was a problem for us because each of us were used to being the dominant partner in a relationship and neither of us were willing to step down. I think she was used to being with weaker men. She did submit to my authority, but reluctantly. And when things didn't go her way she threw tantrums like a child.

The upshot is that we were always in a power struggle; always playing games. It's hard to have a relationship like that.

quote "When the BPD feels unloved and pulls, the NPD feels controlled and pushes. When the BPD feels rejected and pushes, the NPD feels hurt and distances, or ignores."

holy how would there even be time for a relationship in here anywhere with all of the pushing and pulling. I can really relate to this and think it's a great description. I have a question though. When the bpd feels rejected and pushes...and the npd feels hurt and distances or ignores (and by all accounts ignore means "doesn't think about the bpd and she is gone from the mind of the npd pretty much) then the relationship is over. The only time the relationship can get another chance is if the definition of ignore changes to "the bpd is on the mind of the npd and ignore is used to manipulate the bpd to pull again"

I am not saying that the ignore is bad but I am saying that it is deliberate and it is a way manipulate (again not bad) I actually prefer it if it helps these two communicate especially since communication is a little difficult to say the least.

piercett wrote:"When the BPD feels unloved and pulls, the NPD feels controlled and pushes. When the BPD feels rejected and pushes, the NPD feels hurt and distances, or ignores."

This sums it up.

oh I can't take credit for that it was Virginia Esquire who wrote it!

Harkness wrote:My relationship with my ex was a paradox. We had something in common on a very deep level, yet we were miles apart. The issue of dominance was a problem for us because each of us were used to being the dominant partner in a relationship and neither of us were willing to step down. I think she was used to being with weaker men. She did submit to my authority, but reluctantly. And when things didn't go her way she threw tantrums like a child.

The upshot is that we were always in a power struggle; always playing games. It's hard to have a relationship like that.

Harkness,

Came across this, and I am sure many of you have as well:
http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

"In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge."

This seems counter intuitive to me as the NPD is the taker (correct me if I am wrong) and the BPD is the giver. Moreover from the posts I have read on the BPD board it seems the narc come out like bandits in this situation? Almost like a food chain.... Narc prey on borberlines? I am trying to understand the power dynamic if there is any disernsble balance of power at all

synthetic emotion wrote:
Harkness,

Came across this, and I am sure many of you have as well:
http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

"In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge."

This seems counter intuitive to me as the NPD is the taker (correct me if I am wrong) and the BPD is the giver. Moreover from the posts I have read on the BPD board it seems the narc come out like bandits in this situation? Almost like a food chain.... Narc prey on borberlines? I am trying to understand the power dynamic if there is any disernsble balance of power at all

Ya, this quote doesn't make sense to me either. I can only reference my own relationship, but I was way better at that 'game' than she was: I didn't have an emotional investment like she did. Now it was certainly a struggle and it was at times very frustrating, but the most it ever cost me was aggravation. She had a complete breakdown (two of them, actually).

Harkness wrote:

synthetic emotion wrote:
Harkness,

Came across this, and I am sure many of you have as well:
http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

"In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge."

This seems counter intuitive to me as the NPD is the taker (correct me if I am wrong) and the BPD is the giver. Moreover from the posts I have read on the BPD board it seems the narc come out like bandits in this situation? Almost like a food chain.... Narc prey on borberlines? I am trying to understand the power dynamic if there is any disernsble balance of power at all

Ya, this quote doesn't make sense to me either. I can only reference my own relationship, but I was way better at that 'game' than she was: I didn't have an emotional investment like she did. Now it was certainly a struggle and it was at times very frustrating, but the most it ever cost me was aggravation. She had a complete breakdown (two of them, actually).

I agree, it seems tome that the nature of your condition would naturally "armor" you to the BPD's tantrums. Moreover it seems like a natural fit for both. A giver and a taker. Not to demean anyone's relationship. I can realate with my own experience although I was probably far more harsh than you. There was never a time where I felt I was not in the drivers seat. In the ra instances where I felt "generous" with my praise or emotion were time times she was most cocky and misbehaved. Almost as though her preference was for tension and angst. I never gave her tantrum any credence. In almost every instance I walked away without a second thought. For me I felt that if I stayed and engaged that I would be validating and reinforcing her bad behavior. I even said that directly to her. "Keep yelling and I am just going to leave". Always monotone and always with a smirk. Hr response was always "yeah because you don't give a f*ck about my feelings"..... To which I responded "pretty much", again monotone and with a smile. For me though it was never a relationship, at least not an exclusive one. She was the girl on the side. If I left her because she was acting up I went to see someone else. Funny thing though... If she had not acted the way she did I might have actually considered her as a potential partner. As it stood though with her being BPD that was never a very realistic option and so she was almost immediately relegated to a back up. I remember the first night I met her. She straight asked me to go to her apartment during the first phone conversation. You can imagine what happened that night. Right away I thought to myself "I'm slick.... but I'm not this slick" lol. If it was this easy for me I knew it was this east for God knows how many others before me. Right then and there I said to myself "OH... She's one of those girls". From that point forward her position on my life was cemented. She never had a shot to be anything more than what she showed me the first night we met. Then came the crazy... N offense to any BPD readers. I have my issues but I am also able to either mask them or suppress them. This person was a side show, but damn was she fun. Point is.... She lacked any self control and therefore had no chance of controlling me. I hold that many of these "untreated" BPD individuals make very good mistresses. Another thing that served me well is that I completely kept her separate from my personal life. What little she knew about me was fabricated. She never had any recourse to chase me down. When I walked away I ceased to exist. Upon retrospect that probably fed into the abandonment thing which honestly was unintentional on my part. I just did it make sure this person had not access to me. Access was only one way. Honestly it was a safe call. Any others with similar experiences?

synthetic emotion wrote:
Another thing that served me well is that I completely kept her separate from my personal life. What little she knew about me was fabricated. She never had any recourse to chase me down. When I walked away I ceased to exist. Upon retrospect that probably fed into the abandonment thing which honestly was unintentional on my part. I just did it make sure this person had not access to me. Access was only one way. Honestly it was a safe call. Any others with similar experiences?

I did the exact same thing! She still knows almost nothing of substance about me, and I gave her only basic contact info. When I changed my number I didn't give it to her. We never spent time at my place. She has no ability to chase me down.