NPD men in relationships with BPD women

wwatermelon wrote:Wow I think you have hit the nail on the head with this one.

That kinda sums up your attitude, not just with this thread.

Harkness wrote:I'm able to do what most people wish they would have done after they put up with years of abuse.

Is that your thought of longer relationships
Not that Iam surprised.

Kiskiskis wrote:

wwatermelon wrote:Wow I think you have hit the nail on the head with this one.

That kinda sums up your attitude, not just with this thread.

Well, tell me if I have a wrong attitude. I'm open to corrections.

wwatermelon wrote:

Kiskiskis wrote:

wwatermelon wrote:Wow I think you have hit the nail on the head with this one.

That kinda sums up your attitude, not just with this thread.

Well, tell me if I have a wrong attitude. I'm open to corrections.

Sometimes it's like getting this big elaborate cake and you don't even know where to start cutting

synthetic emotion wrote:Read sub_missings post.... Beautifully illustrated. That's is text book. Thanks for sharing that sub_missing, I could not have demonstrated an better example. BTW pennylanes it sounds like you have been reading Sam Vaknin on narcissism. Good stuff. I am not sure what edification you are looking for here. If you are trying to best or best the narc or just understand his mind set? They are what they are. He gave you something and you gave him something. Really when all is said and done the Narc gets the better end of the deal. Sub_missing, what do you think? You are more qualified than most to comment on pennys post.

Wow! Thanx synthetic emotion!

Um,, although i don't feel the most qualified person to comment, i guess i do agree that the pwBPD can discard someone as much easily as a narc, but only if something really extreme has happened and only if there is a potential relationship available. Bs end relationships for another relationship, this is the only reason they will leave someone.
And this is something i have done 3 times in the past. I may be in a relationship and be very loving and genuinely loving someone but i will leave him to start something new if i feel that my needs aren't met. I will be sad for leaving and i might miss the ex but i will start something new very quickly.
And i guess this is what was shocking to my partners, because one day i would be extremely in love with them and if we were having a fight i would beg for them not to leave and make them feel as if though my life depends on them but then the next day i would leave them for a new relationship.
I mean for a B there is rarely an intermediate space where they can be alone and reflect on themselves, they are always in a relationship.

-- Tue May 13, 2014 9:18 pm --

Harkness wrote:

wwatermelon wrote:
But the question is why do things fall apart? It is not because at some point you get bored and need to 'upgrade', even if things were going well? Does she know in the beginning that this will happen? If she doesn't, then it's not a fair play I have to say.

I don't really know why things fall apart in every case. All relationships end. I do have a history of dating women who aren't girlfriend material, but I think that's because I'm not really looking for a GF.

Could i ask you how you define a girl that is girlfriend material?

Because the exN specifically devalued me because as he has told me i couldn't never measure up to be his gf, i have to try really hard, because i lack so many qualities that would qualify me as his gf.

Now, the N was the only one that didn't qualify me as gf material. My two other boyfriends i have had see me as a perfect girlfriend, even though i have BPD, they try to understand me and be there with me when the BPD takes over.

I'm asking because maybe for a N, the qualities of a perfect gf are different from those of a non.

I remember that my N wanted someone who would be really beautiful, compliant, submissive, and someone that would never ask for anything.
The thing is i had those character traits, i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but being a B i was getting bored quite easily and i wanted attention and affection more than usual i guess.. Maybe this is what drove him away, but everything was always on his terms, not just with me but with everyone, when/how much/where we would talk, meet whatever.

Harkness wrote: She did submit to my authority, but reluctantly. And when things didn't go her way she threw tantrums like a child.

or maybe this is exactly what happened!
He even told me once that i can't be his gf if i act like a 5 year old!
but i was only acting like a kid because he had provoked it, in a way i feel like he wanted me to act this way..

sub_missing wrote:
Could i ask you how you define a girl that is girlfriend material?

Well since I've never waned a girlfriend, I don't know what I would want in one.

I guess what I mean is that I go after girls who aren't capable of having relationships themselves. They tend to be the type who hand out their numbers to random guys, have "guy friends," cheat, act disrespectfully, and basically don't inspire respect or loyalty.

I guess I like those girls because I fear intimacy and I don't have to take these relationships seriously. I don't have to feel guilty for dumping them or ignoring them. It's safe.

i guess it is true, the N always gave me the impression that he never really wanted a girlfriend. Not me, nor his previous relationships.
They will perpetually cancel women.

Boom.... What harkness just said TOTALLY!!! The damaged ones love you the most, the best, and equite the least, and in the instances they do require a lot they can be ignored and discarded which only makes them give EVEN MORE love because the fear of abandonment. For me, it was a maximum return on a minimum investment. Anymore I actively look for the girls that have a bad history with their fathers as I have found this to be the best indicator of what they
Will ultimately give in a relationship. Pretty accurate measuring standard thus far

Harkness wrote:

sub_missing wrote:
Could i ask you how you define a girl that is girlfriend material?

Well since I've never waned a girlfriend, I don't know what I would want in one.

I guess what I mean is that I go after girls who aren't capable of having relationships themselves. They tend to be the type who hand out their numbers to random guys, have "guy friends," cheat, act disrespectfully, and basically don't inspire respect or loyalty.

I guess I like those girls because I fear intimacy and I don't have to take these relationships seriously. I don't have to feel guilty for dumping them or ignoring them. It's safe.

Would you feel guilty if you had to dump/ignore a 'good girl'?

Just asking because I was perfect girlfriend material for my narc, set boundaries clearly and required respect from him (I am the textbook version of a good girl - no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no partying, responsible, honest etc. etc.) EVEN THOUGH he stepped over all the boundaries I have set and didn't give me any respect, still regarded me as an 'object'.
My conclusion is that I don't think whether you're girlfriend material or not makes a huge difference in terms of how they will treat you... Am I wrong here?

This narcissist I know, specifically goes for the 'good girls'. (He also tried to flirt with/seduce some of my girlfriends)
Is there any kind of pervert pleasure associated with corrupting good girls? Or was it only because he just craves bigger challenge?

My opinion watermelon, I'm not As narc, I'm ASdpd, but IMO, yes you are right. I think that's true of all PDs though. We don't see partners as equals or even people but rather resources to be harvested to meet our needs "of the moment". The minute those resources demand something in return they cease to be resources and become a drain so we replace them. There is no such thing as a perfect partner even in non relationships. For me the perfect partner will submit to my whims of the moment. It's always going to be one sided.